Good morning bitches! It’s 4:41AM on a Monday and I just got up.
I’ve been out since Friday afternoon, playing Little Miss Tour Guide to the recepient of the International Award for the Longest Gay Long Distance Relationship Ever.
How did I do? I sucked. Not literally, of course. I’m not a slut.
I failed to show them around places because there’s just absolutely no time… and I don’t know of any places to show them to. I’m a boring old fat hermit who has a sheltered life. If my memory serves me right, I brought them to 3 malls, my favourite cafe, a museum, an oyster bar, a Filipino restaurant, a club, a cafeteria restaurant and then a quickie drive to the railroad slums.
How generic. How boring eh? Well, I hope they did have fun though, in a way. I’m just bad at this "show me your city" thing because I’m clueless. If they had more time, we could’ve explored the city further.
The only thing that I can wish for at this point is that I hope they had a good impression of Manila and not think of it as a crappy third world place with nothing to do etc — which it is, in a way. LOL.
All of that aside, I had a little realization.
It absolutely sucks being around with a fucking couple. It’s the worst feeling in the world. If you could only see them the past weekend when we went shopping, They were just absolutely sweet.
It’s not just that — it’s the priceless bond that they have between them. The fact how they know each other well, how they accept and understand each other, blah blah blah. What a lucky couple. They’re very nice folks so I guess they deserve each other.
What about me though? How come I don’t get any offers?
And there I was, thinking, fucking hell, how come I don’t have a boyfriend after all these miserable years. Am I ugly? Am I undesirable? Am I really that complicated?
Fuck, do I have to sell myself and be a bloody prostitute and force-feed my customers with Rohypnol or any of those date rape pills and make them fall in love with me?
Or am I destined to be lonely forever?
Well, only time can tell. But at this point, all the roads lead to me being an old maid in the future.
Thank god for friends though. Oh yes, thank god for my friends force-feeding me vanilla ice cream on a cone to help me get past of those weird pangs of loneliness. And materialism. Temporary happiness can indeed be found by dropping by at the Louis Vuitton store. Hah! At least it’s better than sulking.
What an awful, awful day today was.
Don’t laugh – for some strange reason, God decided to punish me over the weekend for all the bad deeds I’ve done to mankind. He gave me a hideous zit on my left cheek. I don’t blame him though, I know I’ve been a really bad girl.
But come to think of it, he gave it to me right when I was suffering from a cough, colds and a chest infection/bronchitis.
Fuck it, it probably wasn’t even God. I bet it was Satan.
So off I went to my aesthetician first thing earlier in the morning. I had my zit injected, I also had an emergency extraction facial just to be sure I’m black/whitehead-free and I also had the usual microdermabrasion session. Gotta stay/gotta be flawless you know. I’ve got a gay couple flying in from Kuala Lumpur to visit Manila and I gotta play Little Miss Tour Guide, something I really despise because there’s absolutely nothing to do in Manila, not to mention the crap weather (heat and rain) and the lack of places to go to. I’ll probably just buy them dinner and a couple of drinks at some bar and let them explore on their own. I told one of the guys that I don’t go out during the day unless it’s life-threatening.
Anyway, my driver was off today so it was my fat bastard bitch of a sister who drove me to my aesthetician today. On our way back, I told her to stop on the road, in front of a shop, because I want to buy today’s newspapers. She stopped, I went out of the car and went inside the shop to buy newspapers.
I went out of the shop, not even 1 minute later, and she was NOWHERE to be seen.
I was standing there, on the road under the blistering heat, wearing nothing but a sweaty white t-shirt, gray tracksuit pants, white trainers and black chanel sunglasses. It was hot as in hotter than hell. I just had a facial done so my face is all red, I don’t have a cellphone, my handbag or even extra cash with me. Nothing. I felt absolutely naked. I was my "crash moment" (love that new term, thanks Oprah and thanks Hermes). I was so vulnerable that you can sing Mary had a little lamb in front of me and I’ll just die right then and there.
I went back to the shop and asked the lady whether she can send my sister a text message or not. Thank god she was nice. My sister replied back, saying that she’s about 150 meters away from me, all I had to do was to walk straight (it’s just 1 long, main road). Apparently she had to park there otherwise, she’ll block traffic on the road.
That’s fucking bullshit. Bullshit bullshit bullshit.
Guess what I did? Guess what I fucking did?
I HAD TO FUCKING WALK 150 METERS,
IN MY CURRENT STATE OF
VULNERABILITY, WITHOUT A PHONE,
WITHOUT A HANDBAG, WEARING
SKANKY CLOTHES, MY FACE IS ALL
RED, I’M TIRED, THEN ADD THE
NAUSEOUS HEAT. MY SISTER IS A
CRAZY DERANGED BASTARD.
There’s only one thing in this world that you can do to seriously piss me off.
If you want, you can go ahead and steal my handbag, steal my credit cards, my phone, my money, my wallet, my drugs, you can get me fat, make me step on dog’s poo, make me touch some animal’s genitalia, make me eat animal internal organs, heck, you can even rape me, sexually abuse me, molest me, give me a sexually-transmitted disease, mutiliate me, castrate me, whatever.
Do anything you want to do to me and I won’t complain.
As long as you don’t make me WAIT or WALK.
Don’t get me wrong. I do walk. But with the following stipulations:
a) only in temperatures of 65 degrees F (or 18 Celsius) or colder unless I’m on vacation;
b) only if I’m fully dressed up, lip gloss required
c) only if it’s 10-15 meters or less.
The most I’ll walk at any given time is 50 meters and I have to have nice music blaring on my ipod or on the background.
But walking in crap clothes, in crappy hot weather, with a crappy face?
Come on, it’s just as bad as MURDER.
Oooooo my blood boiled earlier, I wanted to strangle my fat cow bitch of a sister.
If only my mum’s cousin didn’t arrive when we got back, she’s probably in the funeral home by now, getting her makeup done.