What a fun weekend it was. Let the pictures say it all.

On Saturday, I finally had the chance to u-haul my fat ass to my friend Tina’s apartment. I was bored and thought I’d hang out with some of my friends before going clubbing. As you know, my friend Tina is a local designer – and since I was kinda bored at the time, I went to one of the rooms and found a really nice dress. To shock everyone (well, nothing shocks my friends anymore. hahaha), I decided to wear the dress.

There has been that disgusting drag-wannabe picture of me on those blue tights scattered around the internet. But this one really bites the cake. Meet my 2nd official attempt in drag. LOL. My arms are sooo fat thought. Actually, erase that. I’m SOOOO FAT!!!!! I need a couple more lipodissolve sessions. Ugh!

Both Lindsay Lohan and moi love Gaultier tank tops

After Tina’s place, we all had dinner, Japanese, at Zen, then went off to Club Embassy, as usual.

Sorry if I haven’t updated my blog in the past few days. Been slacking the past few days because of my meds. Ugh! And I still have cough. Terrible.

I’ll keep you posted in a bit. I’ve slept the entire Sunday off and it’s like 1:11AM in the morning. I need to gather my thoughts and my act together.

Love you all!!!

Bryan

Good morning bitches! It’s 4:41AM on a Monday and I just got up.

I’ve been out since Friday afternoon, playing Little Miss Tour Guide to the recepient of the International Award for the Longest Gay Long Distance Relationship Ever.

How did I do? I sucked. Not literally, of course. I’m not a slut.

I failed to show them around places because there’s just absolutely no time… and I don’t know of any places to show them to. I’m a boring old fat hermit who has a sheltered life. If my memory serves me right, I brought them to 3 malls, my favourite cafe, a museum, an oyster bar, a Filipino restaurant, a club, a cafeteria restaurant and then a quickie drive to the railroad slums.

How generic. How boring eh? Well, I hope they did have fun though, in a way. I’m just bad at this "show me your city" thing because I’m clueless. If they had more time, we could’ve explored the city further.

The only thing that I can wish for at this point is that I hope they had a good impression of Manila and not think of it as a crappy third world place with nothing to do etc — which it is, in a way. LOL.

All of that aside, I had a little realization.

It absolutely sucks being around with a fucking couple. It’s the worst feeling in the world. If you could only see them the past weekend when we went shopping, They were just absolutely sweet.

It’s not just that — it’s the priceless bond that they have between them. The fact how they know each other well, how they accept and understand each other, blah blah blah. What a lucky couple. They’re very nice folks so I guess they deserve each other.

What about me though? How come I don’t get any offers?

And there I was, thinking, fucking hell, how come I don’t have a boyfriend after all these miserable years. Am I ugly? Am I undesirable? Am I really that complicated?

Fuck, do I have to sell myself and be a bloody prostitute and force-feed my customers with Rohypnol or any of those date rape pills and make them fall in love with me?

Or am I destined to be lonely forever?

Well, only time can tell. But at this point, all the roads lead to me being an old maid in the future.

Thank god for friends though.  Oh yes, thank god for my friends force-feeding me vanilla ice cream on a cone to help me get past of those weird pangs of loneliness. And materialism. Temporary happiness can indeed be found by dropping by at the Louis Vuitton store. Hah! At least it’s better than sulking.

What an awful, awful day today was.

Don’t laugh – for some strange reason, God decided to punish me over the weekend for all the bad deeds I’ve done to mankind. He gave me a hideous zit on my left cheek. I don’t blame him though, I know I’ve been a really bad girl.

But come to think of it, he gave it to me right when I was suffering from a cough, colds and a chest infection/bronchitis.

Fuck it, it probably wasn’t even God. I bet it was Satan.

So off I went to my aesthetician first thing earlier in the morning. I had my zit injected, I also had an emergency extraction facial just to be sure I’m black/whitehead-free and I also had the usual microdermabrasion session. Gotta stay/gotta be flawless you know. I’ve got a gay couple flying in from Kuala Lumpur to visit Manila and I gotta play Little Miss Tour Guide, something I really despise because there’s absolutely nothing to do in Manila, not to mention the crap weather (heat and rain) and the lack of places to go to. I’ll probably just buy them dinner and a couple of drinks at some bar and let them explore on their own. I told one of the guys that I don’t go out during the day unless it’s life-threatening.

Anyway, my driver was off today so it was my fat bastard bitch of a sister who drove me to my aesthetician today. On our way back, I told her to stop on the road, in front of a shop, because I want to buy today’s newspapers. She stopped, I went out of the car and went inside the shop to buy newspapers.

I went out of the shop, not even 1 minute later, and she was NOWHERE to be seen.

I was standing there, on the road under the blistering heat, wearing nothing but a sweaty white t-shirt, gray tracksuit pants, white trainers and black chanel sunglasses. It was hot as in hotter than hell. I just had a facial done so my face is all red, I don’t have a cellphone, my handbag or even extra cash with me. Nothing. I felt absolutely naked. I was my "crash moment" (love that new term, thanks Oprah and thanks Hermes).  I was so vulnerable that you can sing Mary had a little lamb in front of me and I’ll just die right then and there.

I went back to the shop and asked the lady whether she can send my sister a text message or not. Thank god she was nice. My sister replied back, saying that she’s about 150 meters away from me, all I had to do was to walk straight (it’s just 1 long, main road). Apparently she had to park there otherwise, she’ll block traffic on the road.

That’s fucking bullshit. Bullshit bullshit bullshit.

Guess what I did? Guess what I fucking did?

I HAD TO FUCKING WALK 150 METERS,

IN MY CURRENT STATE OF

VULNERABILITY, WITHOUT A PHONE,

WITHOUT A HANDBAG, WEARING

SKANKY CLOTHES, MY FACE IS ALL

RED, I’M TIRED, THEN ADD THE

NAUSEOUS HEAT. MY SISTER IS A

CRAZY DERANGED BASTARD.

There’s only one thing in this world that you can do to seriously piss me off.

If you want, you can go ahead and steal my handbag, steal my credit cards, my phone, my money, my wallet, my drugs, you can get me fat, make me step on dog’s poo, make me touch some animal’s genitalia, make me eat animal internal organs, heck, you can even rape me, sexually abuse me, molest me, give me a sexually-transmitted disease, mutiliate me, castrate me, whatever.

Do anything you want to do to me and I won’t complain.

As long as you don’t make me WAIT or WALK.

Don’t get me wrong. I do walk. But with the following stipulations:

a) only in temperatures of 65 degrees F (or 18 Celsius) or colder unless I’m on vacation;
b) only if I’m fully dressed up, lip gloss required
c) only if it’s 10-15 meters or less.

The most I’ll walk at any given time is 50 meters and I have to have nice music blaring on my ipod or on the background.

But walking in crap clothes, in crappy hot weather, with a crappy face?

Come on, it’s just as bad as MURDER.

Oooooo my blood boiled earlier, I wanted to strangle my fat cow bitch of a sister.

If only my mum’s cousin didn’t arrive when we got back, she’s probably in the funeral home by now, getting her makeup done.

Let me introduce you to Napoleon High School Seniors 2004.

http://scnc.ncs.k12.mi.us/hs/graduation/INDEX.HTM

I’m still sick. My fever’s gone down but I still have that awful, awful cough and chest infection. God knows when it’s gonna clear up. I wish I’ve got SARS so I can like infect each and everyone of you.

Can you imagine, I’ve been cigarette-free for the past 28 hours, to be exact? I have a ton of Marlboro Reds here – oh the temptation of just lighting one then huff and puff galore. But no. I’m determined to just follow my meds and get my cough sorted out.

I’ve been thinking, if I were to go to a yank high school on Monday, where would I belong?

Preppy? Oh fuck no. I am so not clean-cut.

Geeks? Say what now?

Goths? Marilyn Manson is so dark ages ago. I think goths evolved into candy kids whatever, non? I’m so outdated with youth culture.

Jocks? Ha ha. Like I would play any sport. Very funny though.

Go on then. Where would you classify me? Definitely not the PTA. And please don’t say the Gay-Straight Alliance.

I am so gay that even gay guys are scared of me. Which is strange cause I’m not even gay. I’m bisexual.

Enough brain farting for me. I’m off to have my lunch.

Love you lots. Toodles!

This is the Damsel in Distress calling.

After this post, I expect to be sent a couple of thousand well-wishing notes, "hope you feel better soon" emails, and "I hope you die you ditzy, shallow bitch" memos, not to mention a ton of flowers, balloons and fruit baskets — no chocolate please, they’re fattening and they give you pimples.

It’s 3:42AM, got up an hour ago and here I am, sweating like a pig. I think it’s because of my meds. I got really sick Friday night/Saturday morning to the point where I had a doctor come up to see me in my room and inject some meds to make my 103.1 degree Fahrenheit (that’s 39.5 Celsius) go down.

Apparently I’ve got fever, sore throat, dry cough and a chest infection of some sort. The doctor prescribed me some cough syrup (Robitussin-DM), Augmentin, which is an antibiotic, Extra Strength Sinutab, and some paracetamol.

Thanks to my meds, I got diarrhea too.

But you know what, I love diarrhea.

I mean, I love having diarrhea, but I don’t love diarrhea as in I’ve got a liquid poo fetish. There are some sickos out there. You know what I mean.

A couple of years ago, I read somewhere that diarrhea can cause dehydration. Surely dehydration can’t be that bad cause like it drains water from your body, which is a good thing – some people get fat from water retention, right?

If I were to do an equation:

Diarrhea = Dehydration = Loss of Water
Loss of Water = Weight Loss
Weight Loss = Nice thing

I mean, one can never lose too much weight, right? Unless you’re anorexic.

Anyway.

Armed with a couple of paracetamol tablets in my handbag, I went to the Preview Magazine party on Friday night. Yes, with fever. Yes, despite the doctor telling me Friday afternoon that I shouldn’t take alcohol and I shouldn’t smoke. But fuck it, you only live once eh? And you know what they say about bad grass. Bad grass never die.

Tons of people at the Preview party on Friday night even if It rained sooo hard. While most complied to the "Modern Indigenous" dress code, some went way, way, overboard with the theme, especially a ton of faggots who end up looking "Mother Indigenous" instead of "Modern Indigenous".

But yes, I settled for plain black and plain Gucci yesterday in addition to a belt that I bought in the last minute. And boy do I look, well, rather large! If you’re fat in Gucci, you’re fat everywhere else!

So yes – prime proof that you can have fun despite being sick.

I got back at around 5AM on Saturday morning and that’s when the doctor injected me some paracetamol. My fever went down and I went to sleep.

The fun didn’t stop there though.

Despite having fever, hideous clear sunglasses (big mistake — but hey, you learn from mistakes eh?), a bad hair day, I took a quick stroll at the park with my sister and her friends and had lunch at our favourite weekend haunt, M Cafe. We also went to the cinema and I finally saw "Monster-in-Law" starring no other than fat-arsed J.Lo and J. Fo (so that’s the Jane Fonda person.). I love the film. You know how I like chick-flicks… and cute guys in chick-flicks. This Michael Vartan person yeah, I think he’s hot. If you know guys who are like that, please send them my way, thank you.

So here I am, suffering the consequences. I’ll get better though. I know I’ll get better. If I don’t, here’s a note to my lawyers: my clothing collection should be sold at Sotheby’s, my handbag collection goes to my sisters, my internal organs are to be donated to those who need them and please make sure I get a manicure, pedicure and armpit waxing from Tips N’ Toes before I get cremated.

It’s 4:46AM and I’ll go back to bed. Good night.

Yesterday afternoon, Thursday, I decided to do some last minute shopping because I still do not have an outfit for the "Preview Magazine" party tonight. As I’ve said previously, the dress code is supposed to be "Modern Indigenous" but I simply cannot find anything "Indigenous" at the stores.

But then again, the only stores I went to earlier were Vuitton, Gucci, Prada then Yves Saint Laurent.

I went to Gucci and bought a couple of things:

1) Black sneakers with leather and velcro straps
2) Black acetate/nylon pants; extremely fitted on the thighs and lower leg.
3) Black cotton long-sleeve top
4) Blue and brown bag
5) Limited-edition bag with studs

I figured later tonight, I’ll probably wear:

1) Dior Homme fitted jacket
2) Gucci black pants
3) Gucci black long-sleeve cotton top
4) Louis Vuitton Limited Edition Mink and alligator bag from last fall that I got at the Louis Vuitton Private Shoppers’ Night last week.

Shopping aside, I went to my cousin Donna’s little fundraising night called "Fly me to Vienna". It’s a 2-hour mini event to benefit independent Filipino artists and contemporary dancers.

I have to admit I’m not a "contemporary dance" person. I’m more of a "shove-cocaine-up-your-nostrils-and-dance-like-a-madman" person. I’m kidding — I’m sober as fuck.

I’m going to my best friend Tina’s house at around lunch time. I need to get a manicure done too. One of my friends will be doing my hair — I need a haircut badly.

Hopefully if there’s still enough time, I’ll probably go shopping for a nice, chunky neckpiece to match the outfit; if I found one I’ll ditch the Dior Homme jacket.

By the way, Rea, the local Brand Manager for Louis Vuitton told me yesterday she’ll email me some pictures from the LV Party last week. Apparently they’re gonna show up in Philippine Tatler. She’ll tell me when. I’m scared!

You know what they say about Tatler magazine – it’s social suicide to get your picture published there.

It means you’re a MatronAir or a senior

citizen publicizing your wrinkles, liver

spots and "wattles", clinging on to dear

god and botox before you go 6 feet

under the ground.

It’s 6:53AM and I’m off to bed. I got infected with a sore throat, cough and phlegm yesterday thanks to my dad. Hopefully I won’t develop a fever in the next 24 hours.

I’ll update later. Wish me luck!

Baboosh.

God what a busy day yesterday was – yesterday cause it’s fuckin 1:42AM here.

A couple of hours after I made yesterday’s post, at exactly 7:30AM, my mother and I went for a Phyto body scrub and full body massage at one of the local spas. It was amazing. Since my usual papparazi weren’t around (otherwise known as my sisters), my mood-ra (mother) took a pic of me. And boy I look so fugly. It didn’t do my all-new Louis Vuitton Pleaty denim handbag justice.

Even a US$1,700 bag looks fugly on someone with bad hair.

What do you expect? I had a full body massage, from head to toe. Even the lady at the spa massaged my ass.

I just love it when a masseuse lathers my butt with oil and goes all hot horny lesbian over em, thinking my butt cheeks are a pair of tits. Oh the pleasures of lesbian sex!

God remind me, I need another lipodissolve session. I look so fat these days. Just a few more inches to go….

I also went to my aesthetician and dermatologist earlier for my usual facials. Nothing new there eh?

Since we’re talking about healthcare, there’s a new dental clinic that opened a couple of yards away from my dermatologist. I decided to go in to get my teeth cleaned cause my current dentist (whom I do my usual bleaching sessions) is on holiday.

Boy oh boy, I found a nasty surprise today. Apparently I need fillings, yes, for the first time ever, done. I’ve got an appointment next week. I like this new dentist. Her name is Cynthia and I think she’s a lesbian. Don’t get me wrong though, my current dentist was nice – she was tall, skinny and she wore Prada – but it’s soo hard to get an appointment with her. Well, it’s easy if you’re spending a ton.

Anyway, I think Cynthia’s fab and I loves her.

Remember how I told you how I got so hooked into this showbiz hoola balloo?

Forget the pending subscription to Star Magazine. I found something better. I’ve been reading this blog, Pink Is The New Blog, recently.

All I can say is, OH MY GAWSH. There – we’re now officially members of the mutual admiration society. *kiddin*

I love Trent. I love all the showbiz goss. It’s just, it’s just, it’s just. Truly Outrageous! Hah ;)

On to other things….

You decide. Is this lady the same as the "Bag Lady Bandit" wanted by the FBI? I told you, there’s just something suspicious with that lady. ;) If you have any information concerning this case, please contact your local FBI
office.

http://www.fbi.gov/mostwant/unkn/baglady.htm

Ciao for now.

Remember me, remember them,

put em together, remember when!

I’d like to reach out to those of you out
there who buy counterfeit goods.

Please, please, please, please do NOT buy fake items, especially the ones from eBay (unless you have prime evidence they’re real, such as ORIGINAL receipts, tags, etc.)

Do you really think the $25 or something "Dior" tank top you saw is real?

I came across this lady’s blog earlier thru another blog thru another blog and saw:

"I say HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
This fella’ also has on the new Dior tank I just bought off ebay from
HONK KONG- where HE IS! Agh! I don’t understand how this slutty little
man has the cash for all that bling but I’m going to find his ass out!"

I presume you’re referring to the "Dior Not War" tank top, yes? Um, we don’t have the same tank top my dear fan. I got my tank top came from Christian Dior Boutique on May 27 while I was on holiday. While you got your foie (or should I say faux? either way, it’s the same) Dior from eBay. My Dior Not War tank top was HK$2,900 which is about US$373 based on today’s exchange rate. Click the graphic below for the full-size version. Capice?

YOU GOT SCAMMED BY THE EBAY SELLER!!!!!

Remember: counterfeit goods harbour terrorism.
Selling or buying them is illegal.

Have you not heard of those FBI raids who arrest ladies who throw "handbag parties"?

Just a friendly reminder from the fashion police in training.

*kisses*