Living it Large
If you can’t do it, someone has to.
At least in a small way.
A small yet vulgar way.
Har dee har har.
This is the best Bryanboy.com birthday present that I got in a LONG time.
The country’s #1 broadsheet (think newspaper for those of you illiterate bitches), dedicated 3 pages to my glorious and pretentious and fauxbuleux and trashy parrot self.
Alright, I have yet another prospect for my own TV show somewhere in North America (I’m keeping my mouth shut for now… BUT….)
For now, life can’t get any better than this y’all.
Full article can be found at:
(I’m posting the link LATER in the afternoon cause I don’t want people from the land of the brown, the natives and l’exotique NOT to buy today’s issue.)
BUY, BUY, BUY, BUY A COPY OF TODAY’S PHILIPPINE DAILY INQUIRER YOU UPTIGHT THIRD WORLD BITCHES!
It’s gorgeous! It’s madness! It’s fabulous! It’s madness! It’s fabulous madness at fabulous madness! (You gotta love Bubbles!!!!!!!!! Screw you if you don’t know who Bubbles is)
Thank you, Tim Yap, Jenni Epperson, Steve Tirona and the folks at Inquirer.
I LOVE the land of the brown, the natives and l’exotique! Long Live the Fabulous Third World!
What a nice way to start one’s morning.
I love you all!
Pop Your Cherry!
If you’re a Bryanboy.com virgin, let me pop your virtual cherry by reading some of my best (and old) entries. These foul-mouthed (and calorie-free) posts are what made me, the patron saint of pretentious people, fauxbuleux.
With over 2 million people served worldwide in the past year, surely I can’t be wrong.
It’s best to read these posts with a friend or two.
My ego is big, my mouth is foul and my asshole is wrecked.
And that’s the way I like it.
Are they vulgar? Are they entertaining? Are they hilarious? Click any of the links below to indulge in Bryanboy’s infamous verbal diarrhea.
- read | Model Citizen of the Land of the Brown, the L’Exotique and the Natives
- read | Just Because You Can’t Get One it Doesn’t Mean it’s Fake
- read | What an Awful, Awful Day
- read | You Know You’re God, Creator of the Universe, if You Can Get a Birkin Bag in a Day
- read | Go, Go, Go Goyard! Cap-e-tal Sin, We’re the Kids in America
- read | Giving British Gay Boys an Instant Sex Change
- read | We Don’t Have the Same Dior Darling. Mine Is Dior, Yours is eBay
- read | I Shot the Pervert, But I Didn’t Shoot the Cutie
- read | Disaster in St. Tropez
- read | Beauty Will Never Exist Without the Ugly
- read | Attack of the Freeloadin, Golden-Aged, Wrinkly Matrons
- read | Post-Mortem Teenage Angst at 22, Thanks to Friendster
A Token from Fargo, North Dakota
Here’s a token from Josh expressing his "deep-seated" affection and admiration for me, me and me!
As always, you all know where to contact me. Email firstname.lastname@example.org or SMS +63-915-785-1492.
Happy Birthday Bryanboy.com!
Pop open your virtual Cristal and Clicquots bottles and greet my little website a jolly first birthday.
Believe it or not, over 2 million computers worlwide had a taste of my third world arrogance and pretentiousness over the past year.
Thank YOU… each and every one of YOU for spreading the word around.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE you all!
Bring Out the Missoni!
Don’t you just love the rain?
Gray skies, a light breeze, H2O falling from the sky…it’s enough to justify cashmere, wool and mohair.
I don’t care if it’s 24 degrees celsius outside… that’s the closest thing we have to winter you bitches.
Screw Filipino people and their tacky nylon "windbreakers".
Ugh. Please, for the life of god, stop wearing such hideous garments.
Wear your nylon jackets, I’ll wear my cashmere, my wool and my mohair, thank you very much.
Fashion first before comfort.
I don’t care if I sweat inside as long as it’s not visible AND I look FUCKING fabulous on the outside.
(Don’t get me wrong – sweat is NEVER fabulous. A couple of sweat beads on your upper lip is enough to unglamourize an ensemble. Take it from experience. If you’ve got a sweaty upper lip, I’ve got a sweaty body – they don’t call me sweaty betty for nothing. The heat in this cesspit of a third world civilization is PURE torture, I’m telling you.)
The Missoni is gorgeous, non?
One last gorgeousness and I’m out.
I Have Seen the Future
… and all I can think of is the past and the present.
Meet Bryanboy’s borderline 80-something (or so she says, but we all know old women lie about their ages) grandma.
Images of liposuction and extreme plastic surgery pumped my scared mind.
I want to be as fabulou as Nan Kempner SANS liver spots, warts, wrinkles, veiny limbs, saggy skin, etc.
She’s spending the night over at our humble abode because my parents and some of my siblings went on a quick vacation. It’s just me, our maids and my grandma and her driver whos here in my house.
I went to Firma earlier, one of my favourite shops in Manila where they sell a wide variety of chic knick-knacks and bought this aquamarine-colored glass beaded necklace. I told her to try it on so I can take a picture of her.
Let’s just say I LOVE my grandma to BITS but that necklace would look FUCKING GOOD on me if I wore it with a plain white tank top and some jeans.
I love you nana!
Prima facie evidence that weight watchers (at least in the UK) is effective. Look at what "snuggles79" achieved in 9 months.
Visit his web page to see his photos:
I wonder if weight watchers can make me skinny, too.
Bryanboy Loves and Random Cheesemax
#1 – Bryanboy loves people from
#2 – I went to Embassy #2 and it looks like my visa will be approved. Unless they see this cheesemax, feel guilty and deny me when I go back.
The good thing about their embassy is how they make sure your documents are in order BEFORE you pay for the visa fee at a bank – yes, they don’t accept payments right there at the embassy. You HAVE to WASTE A COUPLE OF HOURS to go to a bank just to pay for your applicaton. Their reasoning behind this red tape drama is how they WANT to view your documents first before they make you pay the fee. If you paid the fee, all you need to do is to come back (AGAIN) at the embassy, submit your payment receipt and your passport and off your passport goes so they can stamp the visa.
If they have a problem with your documents, they’ll see you home and ask you to comply with their guidelines (therefore you won’t have to pay for the fee) because your application will most likely be declined.
That’s the good thing about this embassy – I guess they’ll only make you pay if they know you’re gonna be approved and if not, then they won’t ask you to pay for the fee, unlike others.
Next step for me?
All I need to do is to come back on Monday, queue for 2 hours, hand them my proof of payment for the visa fee AND THEN wait for 10 "working days" for them to stick a damn stamp on my passport.
Thing is, I’m leaving on NOVEMBER 15th!
Here’s what boggles me even further.
Me: How long is your fastest processing time? I saw on your flyer that you have 3 working days processing (this is the one I had last year) and a next and same-day process.
Her: 10 days
(followed by her closing the door in front of my face)
HOW RUDE IS THAT?
See what I’m telling you about being the mercy of others? It’s a position I hate next to doggie style.
If I didn’t need anything from then I would’ve slapped and spat at her in the face, told her she’s as big as a fucking elephant and she smells like funeral flowers.
I have to play the nice and sweet "oh, ok" game.
Word of warning – I had a different consul this time compared to the one I had last year. My consul back then was a nice and accommodating lady.
This one though was the WORST and RUDEST consul I’ve met in my ENTIRE life. I wanted to ask her a few questions but she was dowright cold.
Anyway, I have a feeling the bitch wore vintage Dior.. Her jacket and skirt had "buckles" in various positions, like the hem of her skirt (diagonally). The print of her skirt suit was AWFUL though.
She really was a complete BITCH – I submitted 2 tourist visa applications because I wanted 2 "single-entry visas". I don’t a double-entry visa because according to their policy, their tourist visas are only limited to a 30 day max. I’m staying 3 weeks in her country, followed by 2 weeks of galoping around a couple more contries and finally, a week back again that rude evil troll’s country so I can take that famous train (or somethin) to yet another country. It’s the perfect journey for a lifetime!
But no, this bitch consul disregarded my 2nd applicaton for the 2nd leg of my trip and acted as if I didn’t submitted anything. She’ll only consider the first application.
I remember her telling me that she might give a double entry visa but I gotta do your 2nd entry within 30 days.
I DON’T WANT TO DO MY 2nd ENTRY IN 30 DAYS!
Sod it. I WANTED to explain how she was misundertsood (I explained my case eloquently) but the fat girl behind a counter probably couldn’t understand a word of english so I’ll chalk it down to experience.
These embassy people are fucking insensitive.
There you are, a legitimate tourist who will burn your money in their motherland, and then they’re acting all hoity toity in YOUR cuntry (no pun intended – I love my CUNTRY)… UGH!
I’m 100% sure these expats are the ones who leave supermarket carts in the parking lot.
Oh yes. Their faces look familiar.
YOU KNOW WHAT’S EVEN FUNNY?
Her country is one of the most powerful nations of the world but a TON of their citizens are dirt poor, just like Filipinos.
Thank god they don’t have street children though but they have the MOST number of heroin addicts in the world.
I won’t tell you what that country is.
Enough bitching with the embassies. You all probably have NO idea what I’m talking about anwyay, LOL!!!
Here’s my visa tally so far
Destination1 – Approved
Destination2 – Most Likely to be Approved if not Approved already. Problem lies in the delay as to when can I get my passport cause I’ll be submitting the visa fee receipt on Monday – it takes about 10 WORKING days from the payment of the fee for them to process my application… and I’m leaving on NOVEMBER 10!!!!!
Destination 3 – May not have time to apply for this one. I have an appoinment on Friday so I’ll ask whether they require my passport to be in their place as I apply for yet another visa on their embassy.
Destination 4 Nothing.. Absolutely nothin. I haven’t applied yet.
#4 – God I’m freaking out as I’m typing. I’m hallucinating and I can see people standing up, mingling, drinking etc at the corder of my eye. I think it’s the side effects of going for 2 days without sleep and downin a xanax.
#5 – If you’re living in the land of the bown, the natives and l’exotique, be sure to buy a copy of the Philippine Daily Inquirer tommorrow, Saturday. I’m THERE = and I want YOUR feeback.
I love you all!!! Email email@example.com or SMS: +63-915-785-149.
I’m NOT Happy…
at the moment, that is.
Sorry for the lack of updates – I’ve got sooo many things going on in my life.
I’ve NEVER been this stressed. EVER!
At least my skin’s good this week. NO breakouts whatsoever.
Blame it on the facial that I recently had. Har har.
I’ll give you drama.
1. My baby bitch (literally), Daria, is really sick. In fact, she’s been sick for the past 3 days. The vet said she’s got kidney and liver problems, according to her recent blood test. She hasn’t peed since yesterday (Wednesday) – I know my pooch, she’s the crown princess of all things related to urine but for some strange reason, she hasn’t peed at ALL recently. My maid brought her to the vet (again) as I’m writing this for another check-up cause her stomach is REALLY bloated. Poor Daria. hope she gets well soon. Thinking about her makes me want to cry – she brings so much life in this household!
2. Xerox is my best friend these days. You won’t believe the amount of time I’ve spent hanging out with the trusty old xerox machine – the paper cuts on my fingers are prima facie evidence that all I’ve been doing the past few days is handling paperwork.
The embassies do want everything. Income tax returns, business registration documents, bank statements (HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PRODUCE BANK STATEMENTS WHEN 2 OF MY "DAY-TO-DAY" BANK ACCOUNTS… WELL, BANKS, DON’T EVEN SEND PRINTED STATEMENTS CAUSE I JUST VIEW MY TRANSACTIONS ONLINE??????? THANK GOD I HAVE THE ODD, PASSBOOK-BASED SAVINGS ACCOUNT HERE AND THERE AND I’LL JUST USE THAT INSTEAD), credit card statements, photocopies of all my passports’ stamps and visas, etc etc etc. I even asked my driver to fucking go to the National Statistics Office to get a CERTIFIED copy of my birth certificate printed on some fancy schmancy paper. I simply don’t get it – isn’t my passport and my gorgeous self enough to validate my existence?
You gotta love bureaucracy and red tape baby.
3. I have 19 days before I leave good ol’ Manille for my winter escapade and I’ve only sorted out 1 visa so far. I need to get 3 more tourist visas to my destinations and I only have about 2 weeks LEFT!!!!!! God knows if I get my visas in time. I may have to do some begging (so they’ll process my visa applications FAST) at the embassy.
I doubt they’ll do it though. I’m Mrs. John L. Nobody.
OHHHHH I FUCKING hate it.
The worst position next to "doggie style" is that one of being at the mercy of others.
Will my fabulous looks (yuck – go on then – make faces) and fantastic charm work with my visa interview officers/consul people so that I can fulfill my fall/winter 2005 escapade and return before Christmas?
Ugh! Just tell me I don’t look like this guy/these people. (BTW, I got this pic as it is FROM google. search for "illegal immigrant". No offense to people of the coloured kind. Hello – I’m a certified gook! I know what it’s like to be on BROWN ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION)
These ones are courtesy of the BBC.
Where’s the fun in that?
The best part of travelling is going BACK HOME and all the PRETENTIOUS BRAGGING RIGHTS that come along with it. Let’s face it, anyone who fucking travels changes as soon as they get back.
"Oh darling, I went to so-and-so place, you have to go there!"
"OOOOOOOO The shopping is fantastic!"
"The food is to die for, you should go to so and so restaurant!"
"You have to see X, Y, Z"
Blah blah bullshit.
I love it though.
I’m guilty as charged.
I like to give myself a period of post-vacation bragging fun of about 2 weeks. Brag and blab to everyone I know – within a 2 week timeframe. Any bragging beyond those 2 weeks is pointless.
Funny I said that – I know of several people who keeps going on and on about where they went… even if the fact that the last time they went there was more than a DECADE ago.
Anyway, I’ll keep it "hush-hush" for now as to where I’m going.
I know I’m not supposed to buy plane tickets UNLESS the visas are approved but I’m an impatient mother fucker. I bought all my plane tickets, from one destination to the next, booked my hotels, etc. It will definitely help me budget. I know most fares go up at the last minute – it’s always better to book in advance. Besides, I *NEVER* fly economy. All my flights are on business and they’re fully changeable, refundable, etc. My losses, in the event I get denied, are gonna be miniscule.
Nevertheless, I’ll try my luck.
I mean, if I was meant to be denied, then I’ll be denied. If I was meant to be approved, then I’ll be approved. The world is such a huge place anyway. If I wasn’t meant to go to the places I want to go before Christmas, there’s always the mall.
I’ll update later. Promise.
(Afterall, it’s my blog’s 1 year ANNIVERSARY today.)
I love you all. Email firstname.lastname@example.org or SMS +63-915-785-1492.
It’s About Time
I guess that’s what friends are for.
I know I was pissed at my gal pal Tina since Friday and we finally patched things up yesterday afternoon.
I felt good when she called me first thing yesterday morning - she told me she’s going to my area (southernmost part of Metro Manila) when she lives like way, way up north, in Makati.
I’t's usually me who goes up north every time we see each other so today must be special.
2:30pm came and we found ourselves sitting at a coffee shop in MY local mall talking about Dior, eLuxury, Chanel, Fendi, the possibility of starting my OWN _____ line (it’s still a hush hush so I can’t reveal it), going to India, going to Italy and going to Austria.
We chatted for hours, had vanilla and strawberry shake watchamacallits. The bastard barristas at Seattle’s Best were CLEARLY deaf because I know they asked whether or not I wanted whipped cream – I repeatedly said NO yet they still served our drinks with that fattening white shit.
You know what, I just realized today that it’s actually better NOT to eat at all rather than eating and then purging it all out.
Let’s see how long I can last today without eating anything.
I already had a chewing gum before brushing my teeth…. so nya nyi nya. There goes my breakfast.
Anyway, yesterday was extremely productive.
I even managed to have a facial. Thank god. I had a zit on the side of my forehead I needed to get rid of and it’s better to do so while it’s still early.
I know I don’t usually believe this stuff (and it’s late too), but this is what the stars at the Philippine Tittle Tattle Tattler magazine had to say about me. Sadly, their prediction won’t apply to me cause I don’t have a fucking partner. Oh well, I’ll try next month.
Bryanboy Loves… and Random Cheesemax
#1 – Bryanboy loves people from Helfenbrunn, Germany, Yonkers, NY, Stuttgart, Germany, Brooklyn, NY, Panama City, FL, Lancaster, UK, San Carlos, CA, Brampton, ONT, Canada, Baltimore, MD, Athens, OH, Lemon Grove, CA, Windsor Park Estate, Singapore, Houston, TX and of course, people from Winnetka and Highland Park, Illinois. Bryanboy loves y’all – identify yourselves bitches and say hello!
#2 – Bryanboy loves Stephen. I just hope you’re at least 18. And yes, I **LOVE** eLuxury. What did you get there, bitch!!!! I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know!!!
#3 – Tomorrow, Tuesday, is my friend Ariel Lozada’s event, in conjunction with Motorola, makers of my favourite MPX20 and Razr phones and of course, the Philippine Daily Inquirer. Dress up, be fashionable and show up at "Fashion Declaration" at the NBC Tent in Makati.If you live outside the Philippines, screw it. Just check my blog whenever for photos. I’m definitely going to that event.
#4 – When I asked you people to send me love, y’all sent me LOVE. But this couple sent me the best LOVE so far. Bring out the bling bitches! Be creative. Be spontaneous! Am I not worth the effort?
Anyway, big shout to Steven and Alan.
I love you boys – if both of you are willing to be tops then let’s do a little threesome with one of you on my mouth and another up my pundata.
#5 – Bryanboy loves Viktoria (and Malibu – I’ve sorta wanted to go there),
#6 – Say hello to Isabella from Milan, Italy. Isabella darling, Bryanboy loves girls like you – if I play my cards right, I might be able to go to Milan and Rome BEFORE Christmas. YES! My gal pal Tina and I are planning to go to Italy; I might fly straight from Moscow to Milan – we’ll see how it progresses. No definite plans at this point. But shit sweetie, if I get the chance to haul my ass over there, imagine the shopping possibilities – LAND of the FUCKING FENDI AND MISSONI!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!
#7 – Thank you, thank you, thank you – each and every one of you. There is no other way to make my miserable Monday the best Monday of their lives than to send me pictures of love, love and love. I need love from good ol’ brown Filipino people! Send me pictures of your love you fucking Asian brown hookers – don’t be shy! Make me, your fellow gook hooker countryman proud. Bah!
#8 – I have a new crush (again!) and I’m not telling who it is. This time, he’s old. Like, yeah, he REALLY is old. Probably old enough to be my daddy. You know how I much I despise old men but this guy is an exception. He’s got nice eyes, a nice smile and a fit body. Sadly, the bitch is married so fuck it. I need to look for another crush. He does make me giggle like a fuckin 13 year old though every time I see him. Err, it’s not just me who giggles… hahahahahahahahahaha.
#9 – This one goes out to sheknoswhosheis: CAN I FONDLE YOUR BITS?
#10: Daddy will you buy me a new Patek?
I you all!
As always, you know where to contact me. Bryanboy@gmail.com or send me an SMS: +63-915-7851492.
Have I Changed?
A couple of people told me I got fat.
Yes I looked fat on the Dior Homme t-shirt picture – that’s a size XS, btw.
If it’s any consolation, I got so drunk on Friday night I ended up sleeping the ENTIRE day on Saturday, totally fucking up all my deadlines and appointments. How irresponsible of me. It’s like 9:32AM now and I got up like 2 hours ago.
At least I missed ALL my meals on Saturday. Not even a single meal or drink.
Ok, I had a glass or two of water but that’s about it.
Blame it on bad mood/loneliness/being pissed.
I was so pissed at myself, at my life, on Friday night.
The only thing that pretty much made my day was my little shopping thing.
Oh fuck it.
I’ll definitely lose weight one day.
I’ll definitely become a better person.
I’m gonna do a good job at tying Hermes scarves as cummerbunds so they won’t look like an oversized piece of fabric on my cords.
(THAT’S A SIZE 36 LACOSTE, WOMEN’S SO GO FUCK YOURSELF IF THAT’S FAT)
Set it on stone bitches, I, Bryanboy, will be skinny – NOT thin – NOT slim – one day.
I promise you I’ll contract some disease (not life-threatening though) so I’ll be majorly emaciated.
As Patsy Stone once said, my arm sinews will have enough muscles left in my arm only to lift up a credit card.
I’m going to fill my stomach with a dozen diet pills now.
I’m going to fist fuck my throat and purge all my internal organs.
Today’s a good day. The sun is up, the sky is blue and I’m wearing some jeans, a Dior Homme t-shirt and an Hermes scarf as a belt.
It’s so good that it only took me 18 minutes to travel from my house to a place where it usually takes 45 minutes to go to.
And then you’ve got all these public rallies and politics-related protesters going on around the nation’s capital.
Thank god they’re far from where I’m at.
Thinking about politics gives me a headache.
I don’t even want to talk about it.
I won’t deny the fact that I’m a horrible citizen.
I really could care less about politicians.
In fact, I haven’t even voted. I’m 23 years old and I’ve never voted.
The only time I’ll vote is when I’m running for a position – I’ll vote for myself.
I’ll leave that ‘vote’ job to 80 million other Filipinos.
I already have my own personal drama to deal with let alone deal with others.
YES, I LOVE BEING SELFISH SO SCREW YOU.
Rally or not, I have a lot of things on my plate that I gotta finish.
I’ve decided to rent, for an entire year, some mini office space at one of the prime buildings in Makati, the Enterprise Tower. For those of you out there living outside the land of the brown, the l’exotique and the natives, Makati is Manila’s premier financial and shopping district.
I’m meeting a gal there in a bit so I can sign the contracts and pay for the entire term. It’s a really small office; in fact, it’s one of those "serviced" office things – I get like a teeny, tiny room where I get my own desk, workstation, chairs, etc. I have to start somewhere.
This is quite momentous for me because I’ve been working out of my home for the past god knows how many years.
Who knows, perhaps one day I’ll have an ENORMOUS office with tons of beautiful people as my worker bees and then I’ll have an office fling etc. that sort of thing. Hahahahaha!
I have always wanted to know what it feels like to be sued for sexual harassment.
What I meant was
I have always wanted to know what it feels like to be sexually harassed.
(I know it’s not a laughing matter because some of you have experienced such thing but really, a pervert like me would be more than happy to pay someone just to rape moi. Sadly, a rapist won’t even rape me even if it was for a million dollars.)
I’ll update you guys later. I’ll take some photos, go shopping and see what happens.
I love you all.
As always, you know where to contact me. Email email@example.com or SMS +63-91-7851492.
Out with the Old, In with the New
Before I continue with my usual inane ramblings, I thought I’d say bye bye Miss American Pie to my crusty 2-year old desktop computer. The thing gathered dust a couple of days ago but it was only until today that I got found out that the thing can no longer be resurrected. All my files, all 100+ gigabytes of it, my precious and priceless Outlook emails, several thousand songs, my collection of imagery (no, there’s nothing incriminating there) and my life are inside the 2 hard drives. Both drives didn’t have backup so I’m permanently screwed.
I thought I was protected because I’ve set my Norton anti-virus to autoupdate but for some strange reason, both hard drives fucked up on me.
Even my 17-inch Sony Vaio (the one I got back in March or April for like US$3-4,000) can’t be fixed. I spilled a drink on the keyboard and the damn motherboard (or whatever term a techie calls a laptop’s guts) corroded.
I went to the mall today and bought a new laptop. It’s an HP Pavilion. It’s quite alright; it cost my pocket friggin US$2,000… it better be ALRIGHT.
You know what’s strange though?
My entire life can be found on both computers that died on me so I should be crying my heart out.
But I’m not crying.
In fact, I have no tears whatsoever.
I have NO idea why.
I really have no idea why.
I think it’s a sign.
A sign that says "out with the old, in with the new".
Perhaps this new laptop acts as if it is a small token confirming that I have a NEW life.
Ugh. I don’t know what to think anymore.