Dominique Update
Many of you have been bugging me whatever happened to my niece. Well, she's 10 months old now and she's doing great!
As you can see, she loves smiling, she's not camera shy and she's got teeth. Child beauty pageants is dat chu?
Katie Grand, superstylist, is dat chu?
Birth and Birthing
I know. Don't laugh. I'm working on the mineral water bottle labels and I found a plethora of birthing photos. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. For real!!!!! I know I'm not supposed to look but I HAVE to because I'm curious. It's gross but fascinating at the same time to you know, see pictures of... err... how a baby was born.
Remember what I said a few months back how newborns look like little birds?
Warning: the photos you are about to see are extremely graphic in nature so if you're NOT into explicit material, don't click click click.
Oh who the hell are we kidding. Bulimics of the world, unite! You no longer have to stick fingers down your throat. Click click click away!
Niece Update
I know absolutely nothing when it comes to babies. When I got photos of my niece (2 months and a few weeks old) via email, the first thing that came to mind was: "that kid is gonna be fat when she grows up". Where are the cheekbones?? Where's the chin? My Edina Monsoon/Chanel of Babies/Models 1 dreams just went down the shitter. Just kidding. She's quite adorable. I can't wait for her to speak. When do infants start talking anyway? I know there's a lot of you mothers out there.
Anyway, niece is gonna be baptized in a few weeks. From invitations to party preparations, the familia de horreur is making a huge deal out of it. What is it with kids these days? I swear to god, all the kids now are so spoiled it's not even funny anymore.
I think it was a year or two ago when one of my cousins threw a birthday party for her son. It was an elaborate affair for a one-year old child. Every single detail was executed with meticulous preparation. Case in point: these mineral water bottle labels, which my mom took notice... and kept... after all these years.
Guess who was assigned the lovely task of designing mineral water bottle labels for his niece? Ugh.
Don't you just LOOOOOOOOOOOOVEE the frills and the frivolity of it all?
I don't. I already have wayyy too many things on my plate. UGHHHH.
First Baby Pictures: Meet Dominique
As much as I love Janice Min and Us Weekly, I sold my soul to People magazine because of their $5 Million offer.
Her cheeks are festively plump alright and she's gonna need a nosejob at one point but yeah, people of the world, I am now a proud aunt!! Meet my niece, Dominique. The latest addition to the familia de horreur has 2 names, Dominique ______. I refuse to acknowledge the 2nd name because it's terrible. If you take the initials out and turn it into a nickname, it's gonna be nasty because I know someone with the same nickname and that person is a backstabbing, wonky-eyed coke whore -- oh wait, that is *was* me! JK. I also don't like the nicknames "Nikki" or "Nicky" (ugh) nicknames no doubt, other kids will call her when she's growing up, so yeah, let's just pretend that name doesn't exist. Hahaha! Her mother would kill me (!!!!!) but who cares. You know I only have my niece's best interests in mind, her name is Dominique and that's that.
Click click click for more baby photos!
OMG Is that human????
I'm gonna visit the hospital later tonight but here's the first look of my niece.
I can't see the detail because they used their camera phone.. and I used my camera to take a picture of the picture inside the camera phone. Am I making sense? This is all too confusing. Anyway, that thing looks gross! Bitch better be pretty when she grows up. Like me. Except better. HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding. Why are babies so fugly anyway? They look like little baby infant birds!!!
JonBenet Ramsey is that chu??????
Child beauty pageants, here we come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aunt Bryan!
OMG. I'm going to be an aunt any second now. I'm sooo excited!!! It's 11PM, everyone's awake and rushing to the hospital. The countdown begins...
Please pray to the good lord almighty my niece is one pretty baby. I have big plans for her. For real. I wanna turn her into *MY* Allegra. Think of the pictionary opportunities! I'm already planning to get that pricey Bill Amberg infant carrier and then I'll dress her up in Marie-Chantal. Oooooo I am so gonna be Carrie "I got mistaken for as a mother by a mother" Bradshaw. You know, I'm actually kind of worried what my neice would look like. I'm not really mean but the last thing I want is a fugly child to add to the nasty third world populace with bad genes! OK. That was harsh. But y'all know I don't really mean that. :P
Fingers crossed and wish me luck. I WANT MY NIECE TO BE PRETTY!!!!!
Me, My Dad, Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah
To be honest with you, I haven't talked to my dad longer than 10 minutes in the longest time. I mean, we talk but not like full-on, bam wham bam whatever. Never in my life I'd imagine having this sort of conversation with him. I swear to god, I have NEVER been so humiliated in my entire life -- imagine being owned by a 50-year old man! This is like wayyy more embarassing than talking about the birds and the bees at age 9. It was soo awkward!!!
Click click click!
Continue reading "Me, My Dad, Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah" »
When death becomes her
It’s familia de horreur tradition to have brunch at my grandmum’s place EVERY Saturday morning. Rain or shine, they always, always go there. Being the bastard little wild grandchild that I am, I can count the number of times I joined them in the past year or so using one hand. This weekend was different.
Priorities & Commitment
Am I terrible for worrying about what to wear because I plan (not yet confirmed) on going to this year's Philippine Blog Awards tonight when my mum's having surgery later this afternoon? Hysterectomy or something. Pre-cancer if you must know. Blah blah blah, yaddi yaddi yadda. Enough about her and more about me. Who knows if I'm gonna win an award. Wish me (and my mum) some luck! I can totally picture it now if I win that thing -- my acceptance speech would be something like: "People often thank people whenever they get awards but in my case, the only person I'll thank is myself so yeah, thank me. Thank me, me, me, me, me and nobody else but me. I love you all! Baboosh!"
BTW, I went to the shop yesterday to check some pills. I found those chlorophyll capsules I mentioned earlier. Who knew these little green capsules have a lot of benefits? Apparently, chlorophyll is good for your skin and your body. It acts like an internal body refreshener/detoxifyer -- it helps eliminate perspiration odors, body odors, bad breath, etc. It also cleans your liver and blood.
One thing that caught my eye though is this: "UNIVERSAL FAT BURNERS" by Universal Nutrition. I swear to mother fucking god, these pills occupied an ENTIRE shelf. They come in different varieties but I picked the one they stocked most, which is the blue and yellow one (pictured below). I mean, if they carry a shitload of this thing then surely it must be popular and a lot of people buy it, no?
Do you have any experiences with these Universal Fat Burner pills? Are they effective? Answers on a postcard silvous plait. I need to lose 15-20 more pounds! Losing weight is a good oh I dunno... outlet? Oh.. and please spare me from the druggie comments. No, I won't take clenbuterol (sp?) or ephedrine. It's no secret I'm clean and sober as a cupcake and I made a promise that I'm not gonna take anything that would buy me a membership to tweakers anonymous.
Why does my ass have to be extremely big?
I'm too embarassed to post photos of my ass online but I'll do so anyway because I have no sense of shame and I'm one heck of a fucking attention whore. You know I know that you know (confused? hah!) I'm only doing so that you'll post silly comments like "you don't really have a fat ass" when in reality, my ass is sooo fucking huge it belongs to a fucking hippopotamus.
The good thing is, my extremely obese batwings are getting smaller as each day comes. One more lipo session next week and I'm gonna be thin, thin, thin... I hope! *fingers crossed*
More camwhorage after the jump...
Continue reading "Why does my ass have to be extremely big?, Emerald Garden, Whitening?!?!" »
I'm the story, I'm the star you know, like the big dipper...
Everybody wants to be Hollywood. The fame, the vanity, the glitz, the stories. One day I'll become a great big star you know, like the big dipper. And maybe one day you can visit my condo, on the big hill you know, like 9-0-2-1-0. Just imagine my face in the magazine, people analyzing my look, my body or any plastic surgery you know, like the big dipper. And maybe one day you can shake my hand on the planet Hollywood. You say I'm not underground... but I'm rich, I'm famous, I vanish, I'm glitz. I am the story, I am the star you know, like the big dipper.
I thought I'd take a break from all these button-down shirts and yaddi yaddi yadda jackets insanity that I've worn recently. I went back to my old, vulgar roots on Saturday afternoon when I went to the doctors. I also had dinner with my siblings at some dingy Japanese buffet place in the mall.
I'm a big ol' attention whore so go on... feel free to start the "WHAT ON EARTH IS HE WEARING" comments.
Thinspiration? Back to skeletriplet glory? Nah. My thighs are too fat and I've got a Beyonce arse. Scarf by Chanel, vintage sunglasses by Linda Farrow Gallery, black tank top by BSK Basics (some cheap ass 5 euro shit from France), old gray top from Marc by Marc Jacobs, jeans from Viktor Jeans, belt from Topshop, black bangle from Urban Outfitters, shoes from Dior Homme, bag from Chanel.
Continue reading "I'm the story, I'm the star you know, like the big dipper..." »
Bryanboy: OUT!
I really should stop smoking. I've been feeling sick over the past several days... since last weekend to be honest. That's why I didn't go out. God forbid my lungs give up on me. I think I'm gonna visit my doctor first thing tomorrow afternoon when I wake up.
Also, I've been having weird sleeping habits lately. In fact, I slept at 1AM last night, only to wake up at 8:30 in the morning. I had an early lunch then I spent the rest of the day sleeping. I'm currently spending the next few days at my grandma's - don't ask. Too much drama involving the familia de horreur. I think it's best to keep it amongst ourselves (and a handful of my closest friends). I'm on dialup so I'll do a quick post.
"I exuuuuuuberate fantasticisms"
WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL IS THE WORLD COMING INTO?
I've been outgayed by this platypus faggot in the Bronx, NY. Here I am thinking I'm the gayest gay that ever gayed... but wait until you see this.
"Where do I put my mink? I'll put it on the floor even though it's EXXXXXXXXpennnnnsive!"
Video and more commentary after the jump.
Back to regular programming...
First things first, I'm so touched with all your heart-warming emails. Who knew my little Obagi post caused a little stir on my Outlook inbox? I've received 249 emails, that's right, 249 emails in the past 24 hours with questions about Obagi, vanity, all sorts of stuff. What inspired me the most was the comment from "mhai" who said she "commends me for not being afraid to show a part of myself which is uglier than now".
I'll try to answer emails as soon as I can. I still have a huge backlog from the past 2 weeks (probably even months) but I promise I'll do my best to answer them all. But for now, let me do a quick blog update.
Sunglasses by Gucci, button down shirt from Filippa K (Sweden), undershirt from Topshop, bag from Chanel, jeans from Gucci, shoes from Dior Homme.
To Market To Market!
Foulard by Louis Vuitton, sunglasses from Dior, Pepsi t-shirt from Dolce & Gabbana, amber & gold necklace from Kenneth Jay Lane, bag from Hermès, jeans by Acne, boots by Frye.
I was bored out of my skull yesterday late afternoon so my sister nad I joined our mom and our maid to the supermarket. Kind of.
We skipped the whole roam-around-with-a -trolley thing and went straight to my favourite local patisserie Bizu. It's pointless to watch your mom and the help browse raw, dead meat when you can sashay around the mall and try to get cute boys check out your OWN meat. Hahaha!
Anyway, my sis and I went to Bizu to have "breakfast"... at 6 in the evening!
Ooooh lookie lookie at at all those colourful macarons. I don't like the blue-coloured mint one. Yuck! My favourite has got to be the green-coloured pistacchio and the purple-coloured blueberry. Scrumptious! It's been ages since I last went to this place... even my mom only goes to Bizu for their macarons!
One day, when I get really really really rich and when I get my own big house with no traces of my familia de horreur in sight, I'll invite each and every one of you and we're gonna have a big macarons and tea party. I'll buy macarons from Bizu by the truckload and I'll import tea from Fauchon.
Then we'll have a big orgy and you'll watch me get gangbanged.
After Bizu, we went to our local bookstore to look for a book that was recommended to me by a reader called "Wolves in Chic Clothing". It's a book written by the same people who wrote one of my favourite books, "The Right Address". I love these Park Avenue/New York society schmoiety books. It's one step up from my previous reads such "Gossip Girls" etc. Books like these are very hilarious and highly entertaining. It's fun to read stories involving the rich, the richer, the richest, the high society and all their drama in spite of the fact that they're fiction. It makes you think "damn, I'm so glad I don't belong in such circles" etc.
Wolves in Chic Clothing 
We didn't roam around the mall that much. I know that there's NOTHING to see and to think, I'm almost there EVERY fucking day so we went back to the supermarket to take some pictionary shots.
Oh oh oh oh oh oh wait... we passed by this shop called "Tutto Moda" and saw this super old, super god knows how many seasons ago Gucci bag for about US$1,784.50 (P93,450). I can't believe they're still selling it at FULL PRICE!!! This is exactly why NOBODY there aren't a lot of people who buy luxury goods in this country. Inventory rarely moves because it's rare for the shops to put items on sale!!! If things DO go on sale, they'll only shave 15 or 20% off, unlike in other countries where they take 50-70% off the original price.... and to think, these items are oh so last season ago.
Enough fashion...
Camilla in a GAY Scandal and Willian finds out her shocking secret. What? Camilla is a man? Old news baby. I bet you a million dollars that Camilla DOES have a penis and Charles loves taking it up the shitter. Next!
I LOOOVE the fruits and vegetables section... always a nice backdrop for photos. It's oh-so-domesticated.
Fashion Trivia #164349: did you know that Calvin Klein model Natalia Vodianova used to be a fruit market girl in Nizhny Novgorod in Russia?
Not too long ago, I watched this documentary about these anorexic Australian twins. A camera crew and a doctor visited their house and all they found on their fridge was a slice of watermelon. I was chatting with a friend the other day and I told her I should embark on a "watermelon and diet coke"-only diet. I really need to lose weight and anorexia is my only salvation.
We went straight home after the supermarket. I had a great time. It was Monday for god's sake! I had much needed oxygen and it's always nice to strut around and walk like Mariacarla Boscono at the fuckin mall.
Today's Obligatory Paparazzi Shot(s)
Billionaire Bachelors Club
I was chatting to a friend on MSN and he gave me this link to check out. It's Forbes' Billionaire Bachelors list. I saw this list ages ago so it's good to be reminded again.
It's amazing how all of these boys are filthy rich yet they're all fucking fugly. Proof that money can't buy good looks the same way money can't buy class or style (look at me... I'm a circus of my own and to think, I don't even have that much money!).
Anyway, who needs good looks if you have THAT much money? I've seen a lot of FILTHY rich people and they look really awful and hideous. Even poor people look good compared to them. Hell yeah, look at all those poor models who end up prostituting once their careers are over. LOL. In this superficial and material world that we live in, money speaks louder than bone structure. Who needs jaw-dropping DNA when you've got at least 10 figures in your bank account? Even the pope will have unsafe sex with you if you're dripping with that much wealth.
Say hello to daddy!!!!
Out of everyone on that list, I find Mikhail Prokhorov and 22-year old "Prince Albert" (HAHAHAHAHAHA) err Albert von Thurn und Taxis quite "doable". Ok... I wouldn't touch them with a bat had they been poor but out of everyone on the list, they're the ones who look ok. I think I'm biased because
1) I like Russians - those Russians certainly know how to play hard. And a Russian with $6.4 Billion dollars can easily turn my dream into a reality -- to be an oligarch's wife, all novvye russkiye (new Russian) style in $120,000 chinchilla furs and US$11,000 crocodile Fendi b bags.
2) I have a soft spot for young people - I don't know what it is but I've always been a jailbait magnet. As much as I'd want to have a sugar daddy to spoil me rotten, it's different to be with someone a little younger than me. God forbid I end up a pedophile someday.
Come to mommmmmmma
and 3) I like billionaires - who doesn't? Billionaires trump millionaires any time of the day sweetie.
Ok, except Fahd Hariri. The fine line starts here and let's not even go there.
He may be only 25, worth US$2.7 BILLION dollars and can easily turn me into the new MOUNA AL AYOUB but there's something in his eyes that are sooo satanic.
Oh good lord just fucking look at me. I'm a gold digger at such tender age. For all you know, I could end up with a penniless (not penisless) man in the future.
And with my attitude (in addition to my ugliness), I might even end up
with NO MAN AT ALL!!!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA! Poor me. I'm doomed for the rest of my life!
Podcast #6 coming up in a bit... and Bryanboy Loves... and Random Cheesemax. Be sure to subscribe to my podcast. You WON'T FIND IT on iTunes. Visit
http://www.bryanboy.com/podcast.
I love you all. Email bryan@bryanboy.com or SMS +63.915.785.1492.
PS. Discuss this blog post here.
PPSS. Bryanboy älskar svenskar!
Jag talar till alla lata, svenska mammaknullare. Lyft på luren och ring +46-08-5592-6279 för att tala in ett meddelande till mig. Säg ert förnamn och vart i Sverige du ringer ifrån. Jag vill även höra er säga det magiska ordet "Baboosh" och jag vill att DU, ja DU, säger att du ÄLSKAR MIG.
Du kan också ställa vilken fråga du vill. På ENGELSKA, såklart.
TRYCK PÅ DENNA LÄNK FÖR ATT HÖRA ETT
EXEMPEL PÅ ETT MEDDELANDE
(ignorera musiken i bakgrunden)
Du kan också ställa vilken fråga du vill. På ENGELSKSKA, såklart. Jag kommer publicera ditt meddelande på min nästa podcast.
RING NU SLYNOR! ALLA NI SMUTSIGA SVENSKA SLYNOR, HOROR OCH BÖGAR! jag vill höra din röst, det borde inte ta mer än 1 minut. Hahahaha!
Jag älskar er som alltid.
Familia de Horreur
I'm sure you've heard the news how we've got this huge storm that hit my motherland, the land of the brown, l'exotique and the natives aka Las Islas Filipinas. I feel terrible knowing that over 21 people died, over 6,000 people are left homeless. At least that's what the Washington Post said.
But that didn't stop me and from getting my nails done and a massage yesterday. Hurricane or not, I won't let mama nature steer me away from pampering myself.
To hell with gray skies, rain and the nasty wind. I LOOOVE the weather! It's supposed to be hot, hot summer hot in this tropical archipelago but we're blessed with a beautiful, gorgeous, rainy gray yesterday - I finally got the chance to layer up underneath my Norma Kamali for Everlast gray puffy-sleeved cropped cardigan.
I spent the entire afternoon with all 3 of my siblings. Everyone's got a busy schedule and it was rare for all 4 of us to be together. We're not by all means a "perfect" family but it was nice and refreshing to enjoy each other's company without fighting or having a argument even for a second. I think it's because of the fact that none of us are getting younger these days. In fact, we even ditched the maids and we all took turns taking photos and videos of each other. It was amazing and fun.
Our first stop was Tips and Toes where we had manicures, pedicures and back massages.
Cropped hoodie by Norma Kamali for Everlast, sunglasses from Dior, white t-shirt from Topshop, silk scarf from Chanel, fish necklace from Chanel, faux pearls from a store I can't remember, chain, leader and bead necklace from a local boutique called "Firmas", jeans by Acne (Sweden), boots from Chanel, metallic spy bag from Fendi.
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Work it like you own it. Fake it till you make it!
Anyway, we all used to fight one another and our parents would always tell us that we shouldn't be fighting cause at the end of the day, we really got no one else other than each other. Fuck friends. "Friends" come and go and these days, they are dime in a dozen... and screw "life partners" and their variants. Boyfriends, girlfriends and "life partners" only last till they dump you.
(That's ***MY*** turqouise necklace right there that Mrs. T gave to me and I haven't even used yet!! UGH!!. The evil bitch troll gets to use some of my things first I hate it! LOL)
After Tips and Toes, we went to the Coffee Bean where I had a tuna sandwich (I only ate the tuna and the lettuce) and the usual vanilla ice-blended with NO WHIPPED CREAM.
Buy this month's (MAY) Mega Magazine because I have a photo of me there somewhere.
I know all my siblings are fatter than me and believe it or not, there were times... many, many times how I thought I was the adopted child or I got switched at the nursing room at the hospital when I was born. The hell with it, my siblings probably think I'm soooo ashamed of them because of the way I act whenever we're out in the public and they'd go all weird and loud and crap. Sometimes I'd take the piss at them and tell them they're all short, fat and they dress like hookers or how they should stop borrowing my shit cause they've got theirs or other silly, random things. God, I must have hurt their feelings. Hahahaha!
If I may so, I'm a complete pig myself and I'm not the skinny young twink I used to be.
Nevertheless, yesterday was the only day that I realized that in spite of my sibling's flaws.... OUR flaws (mine included), these are the people who have stood by me through thick and thin and will always be there for me no matter what happens. Blood is thicker than water indeed. I'm so fortunate to have them and I would NEVER EVER trade them for anything else. I'm also lucky that my siblings keep me close to reality... they're the perfect antidote to all my drama and pretentions. They keep both of my feet on the ground. Unlike me, they're all modest and humble, which makes my life balanced.
After the Coffee Bean, I went to the Body Shop to pick up some essentials.
And then we all went to meet up with the parentals for dinner at this Thai/Asian restaurant called "Banana Leaf", which I keep on mistaking for "Banyan Tree", which is a lovely chain of lovely hotels and spa in South East Asia.
I guess I should never be ashamed of my familia de horreur. Afterall, I'm lucky, very lucky, that in spite of being the black sheep in the family, they love me so much.
I JUST WISH I HAVE EXTREMELY WEALTHY POLICITIANS OR BUSINESSMEN AS PARENTS WHO WILL SPOIL ME ROTTEN BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS BUSY WITH WORK OR THEIR EXTENDED NUCLEAR FAMILIES. I WANT SKINNY TALL MODELS AS SIBLINGS!!!! WHO NEEDS LOVE WHEN DADDY CAN EFFORTLESSLY BUY ME A BENTLEY? WHO NEEDS MOTHERLY ADVICE WHEN MUMMY WILL BUY ME EVERYTHING I WANT AT CHANEL? I WANT MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!!!!!! I WANT THE SPOILED CHILD WHO NEVER HADE FAMILIAL LOVE!!!HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I'm kidding.
All I can say is, my family may not be "picture perfect" but at least we're SERIOUSLY not dysfunctional. I know I shouldn't be judging other families because every one has a story to tell but I can't help it... I have to share this sense of pride inside of me. I'm very proud that my parents have never cheated on each other, they don't have unwanted spawn with some third party demon, they almost never fight and in spite of them not spoiling me rotten to the core and giving me EVERYTHING MATERIAL that I want, having a family who is ever so loving, accepting and understanding such as mine makes me want to forget all the fabulous material things in the world.
On that profound note, I'd like to greet my obese mother a happy mother's day. Thank god you're losing weight. I'm sooo jealous of those kids with skinny mothers. HAHAHAHAHA! But yeah, I'm glad your newfound DVD addiction helps. Keep up the good work. Losing 11 pounds is quite an achievement.
Oh and I know you guys got married on October and gave birth to me on March the following year. You can deny that I'm a love child (or a result of premarital sex) all you want but I'm still proud of you mum and I love, love, love you.
Today's Obligatory Paparazzi Shot(s)
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God I'm fucking gorgeous in spite of the rain. Thank you lord almighty for making me pretty.
Coming up in a few hours... a new podcast and a new video. Stay tuned!
Email me and tell me you love me. Email bryan@bryanboy.com or SMS +63.915.785.1492.
I love you all!
PS. Discuss this blog post here.
PPSS. Keep the love and the pose photos coming!
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Shower me with attention and inflate my ego. Email photos of your love and I'll add you to my ever-growing collection. Be creative! Be spontaneous! Send them to bryan@bryanboy.com today! |
