1. “Not being photobombed by a sports clothes-wearing person should be a basic human right.”
2. “I don’t like it when people get in the way of my frame. Tourists get their photos taken and upload them on their facebook to brag to their friends they went to a certain place. I, on the other hand, well, this is real work. If this wasn’t real work, I’m just gonna put my velour tracksuit and my sports shoes and call it a day.”
3. “I was trying things on at home to wear to the airport the night before I fly. While looking at the mirror with an outfit option, I suddenly remembered that I was being flown economy so I took off the white fox fur off my neck and packed it in my suitcase instead. Wait let me tweet that…”
4. “It just occurred to me that if you’re being flown coach, you need to tone your outfit down, otherwise, your outfit won’t make sense. It’s like ‘oh hay gurl you lewkin so divine but oh you’re like on the last row at the back near all the toilets’”
5. “I’m gonna have one suitcase for winter clothes and one suitcase for summer clothes. It’s an 8 day trip. Europe and Asia. Three days in Europe, four days in Asia. Wait, that’s three plus four, sorry, five days in Asia.”
6. “Someone from instagram told me about plebestrians. You know, pedestrians and plebs combined.”
7. “Oh oh oh oh oh I found something online, it’s like an Airbnb but it’s for dogs. It’s called DogVacay.com. You can pay someone like $30 a night to take care of your dog!”
8. “I have a question…. so you know how on planet Earth there’s land and there’s water, right? Is there land underneath all the water, like underneath all the oceans and seas? I mean, I know there’s the sea floor but are there parts of the earth where there isn’t?”
9. “What is the point of buying flowers for your home when they all die after a day or two anyway? Why would you buy death?”
10. “I want to get a dog but according to the airline I spoke to, they have a summer embargo on May 15 to September 15 and a winter embargo on November 15 until March 15. So basically I can only fly the dog like once a year.”
11. “I don’t have shoes that match my new Elie Saab oatmeal gray coat.”
12. “Next year I want to wear real jooooowwwrrrrry not cubic zirconia. I like how jewelry is pronounced more than how it’s spelled, like, jooooowwwrrrrry. Do you want some joooowwwwrrrry? Yes, please, I want lots of joooowwwwrrryyy.”
13. “I think it’s less degrading to shop at Century 21 as long as you spend a lot of money. I like Century 21. They have lots of cute stuff!”
14. “I just made my first return at a store ever. When I got home, the color looked soo different on me than when I tried it at the store.”
15. “When you go to a designer store and see staff wearing things that are being sold on the racks, you shouldn’t buy those things unless you want to look like staff. I’m only saying this because I bought something from a store a couple of weeks ago and when I went back again to browse for new things, lo and behold one of the guys who work there wore the same top as me. I’m so glad I was the only living entity in the store… can you imagine the face, my face, if another customer came up and asked for my help? I’d die! I don’t have retail experience, ever!”
16. *in baby voice* “Will you please take a photo of me doing my laundry for my instagram? I need to make my instagram look like I’m grounded, approachable and I’m doing “real people” work. Thank you! All these bitches on instragam are all smiley and happy and they all go to fabulous places but you never see anyone cooking or taking a poo or sweating.”
17. “I hate people!”
Everything in this world has a shelf life.
The idea of me pecking away at the keyboard at three in the morning, sharing images of my tiresome self to internet folk when I hit my mid-thirties is cringe-worthy. God forbid I turn into one of them geriatrics desperately clinging to their fading youth, forcing themselves to keep up with the times.
My biggest fear is to end up being that miserable, unhappy, bitter old queen who, at first glance, seem to have it all. No one knows that every night, he takes his mixture of two foundations, Maybelline and Nars, off, unveiling his face, his scars, his multiple nose jobs, botox, stitches and collagen… all in front of the mirror. He wraps his hair in a towel while he sings to “Stars are Blind” and thinks of what he’s gonna wear the next day — which Pologeorgis fur matches his gray, wide-leg Akris trousers, what haute joaillerie to wear with the latest Prada.
I don’t want that.
I always tell myself to simply go with the natural ebb and flow of things in order for me to have a felicitous life.
Thing is, I’m not one who likes to leave everything to good ol’ fate and destiny. I’ve said it many times over and over — I believe in creating opportunities for myself rather than waiting for opportunities to land on my lap. Dreams remain dreams if you don’t act upon them.
The universe, so far, has been incredibly generous to me. I think I’ve reached a certain point where I have most of what I want in life — a supportive family, a loving partner and a very loyal set of friends and business colleagues who unconditionally stand by me through thick and thin, warts and all. I have traveled the world and back. Times twenty. I’m also in a position where I can finally give back and I do. OK FINE, I don’t have enough expensive clothes but then again you can never have enough expensive clothes, furs, jewwwwwry and leather goods but in all seriousness, overall, I’m a happy camper.
AND NOW WHAT?
The problem is, I have so much energy, drive and ambition. I always have this never-ending desire to experience new things, to do more, to do better.
I feel like I need to do something really remarkable.
Every time I look at very successful people in the news, I always, always feel inferior because I haven’t achieved anything significant in this world.
So how and where do we go from here? I’m always up for a good challenge.
Answers on a postcard…
Photo via Sonny Vandevelde