52 Things You Don’t Know About Me
1. I love fast food.
2. I love sushi and miso soup.
3. I can’t stand fruit juices or shakes. I’d rather drink coca-cola.
4. I need to have at least 4 pillows on a bed before I can sleep.
5. I’m scared of the dark.
6. I usually think of death/dying right before I sleep.
7. I shave my armpits.
8. I’m not a big coffee drinker. I like iced cafe lattes though.
9. I love tea.
10. I’m a sucker for chick flicks.
11. I only have 610 tracks on my ipod.
12. All my crushes (and previous crushes) are always taken.
13. I was once accused of having sex with a former close friend’s ex-boyfriend. It’s not even true.
14. I have a tendency to buy friendships. I’ve been used and burned a ton of times but I kinda like it.
15. I like to dwell on negative issues and petty things.
16. I sometimes lie to shop assistants telling them "please reserve the item for me" when in reality I won’t go back cause either a) I can’t afford it or b) I don’t have the balls to tell them I don’t like it and they are pressuring me to get it.
17. I shop when I’m depressed. I never shop when I’m happy.
18. I never look at the bill whenever I eat at restaurants. I’d rather just hand them my card and sign the tab.
19. I haven’t "come out" to my parents.
20. I like jacking off to straight porn.
21. I’m a compulsive liar.
22. I once had a a batch of my dead grandfather’s blank prescription notepads (he’s a doctor). I forged his signature to buy sleeping pills. I literally fainted when I found out our maid threw them away.
23. I have a small scar on my shoulder hence the fake tattoo.
24. I have this thing with stripes. I have all sorts of stripe-y tank tops, t-shirts, 3/4 sleeves, sweaters, etc.
25. For some strange reason, my (usually dry) hands tend to get very sweaty whenever I get out of the house at night.
26. I use women’s deodorant.
27. I got a real tattoo right beside my belly button. I got it when I was 14.
28. I got my first "paycheck" when I was 17. It was around US$250 and all I did was answer the phone and take messages for an American author. For an entire month.
29. I used to call those phone sex hotlines in the Carribean when I was 13/14. I found the phone numbers at the back of Rolling Stone Magazine. My favourite line to pick up guys? "Hi, My name is Amber. I’m 16 and I have a bald pussy". My English was soo bad that’s the only thing I used to say other than the faux moans and groans I did on the phone.
30. My first internet purchase was a canvas tote bag from L.L. Bean.
31. When I was a child, I used to go to this used magazine shop called "BookSale" to buy old and overpriced publications. What did I collect back then? Bloody JC Penney catalogs.
32. I got my first subscription to American Vogue in 1996.
33. I NEVER talk to strangers whenever I go out… unless they initiate the conversation. I still have emotional scars from trying to pick up this really cute guy when I was 16… I was at this game arcade place with my friends and I asked the guy "hey, where do I put the tokens" and he told me "it’s right there. are you blind?". It was soo traumatic I cried in the toilets.
34. I had my first "solo" holiday when I was 15. I spent an entire week in Boracay Island and I made friends with a trannie hair stylist called "Marie". She had a salon called "Marie’s Salon. For Males, Females and Third Sex"… or something like that. She called me "Miss Prada" because of the excessive amount of black nylon Prada items I had, including a tiny coin purse.
35. On that same holiday, I met this German gay couple in their early 20s. One of them made me smoke pot. The other guy got so pissed that he punched his boyfriend. I asked them what was going on and he told me I was too young to do that stuff.
36. I once owned a pair of 7-inch platform sneakers. They’re called Kelton sneakers. I wore them every damn day back when the Spice Girls were popular. Mighty bond and super glue were my best friends. I even wore them when I went to friggin Reykjavik, Iceland. I’ve never, ever tripped, not even once, in those shoes.
37. I went to my first rave when I was 16. I wore a black nylon skirt, I wrapped my entire torso in red yarn and I wore this massive blue fake fur jacket.
38. I became a member of the "Book of the Month" club when I was 14.
39. Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion is my favourite movie.
40. I once spent an awful amount of time at Starbucks back when they just opened in the Philippines. All I did was drink a shitload of orange juice, coffee and eat california maki (yes!!). I even made friends with this prostitute who used to go with her clients to the hotel right beside it. We were chatting one night and I was bored out of my skull. She told me to hang out with her and we went to this bar called "Giraffe". Boy that bar was definitely something… faggots hang around on the left side of the bar while straight people stayed on the right side. The bar had a dress code where men (or boys) are required to wear leather shoes and a top that has a collar. I had a tank top on and the prostitute took off her top (a see-through black shirt) and told me to wear it.
41. That prostitute sobered up her act and reformed a couple of years ago. For some strange reason, she found out what my landline number is and she calls once or twice a year. She’s the ultimate stalker. My dad told her a couple of years ago to stop calling me. The last time she called was a few weeks ago and my dad told me that I should talk to her for posterity’s sake because she cleaned up her act and she’s "harmless".
42. What’s the most frivolous item I once owned? It’s a tie between my Hermès chewing gum holder (mustard color) and black GG-logo Gucci flotation device/lifesaver.
43. I bleached my hair blonde. Once. Never again. I’m scarred for life.
44. My claim to fame was the fact that I was able to get a Birkin bag in 1 hour.
45. The last time I had sex was back on December 27, 2005 at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris.
46. I always, always lie about my weight. Even I don’t know how much I weigh. I like to tell people I weigh 117 pounds. Thank god most people believe me though.
47. I’ve never paid for sex before. I did, however, hire a prostitute. I was 19 and bored out of my skull in London. I had this gay weekly magazine and called a muscle mary hooker at 2AM, asked him to drop by at my hotel. I told him to give me a foot and back massage. Oh, and I also asked him to paint my toenails pale blue. Best £70 EVER!
48. When I went to St. Petersburg, Russia 2 years ago, some scary mafia-looking Russian man in his 30s offered to pay me US$2,000 to "teach him English" in his hotel room because he overheard me speak the language to my Russian friends inside a club. I politely said no. English my fucking arse, I’m sure all he wanted to do is fuck my little brown fanny.
49. I’m a member of the mile-high club.
50. A British Airways steward (note: male stewardess) gave me an entire bottle of champagne for me to enjoy because "he’s never seen anyone young and good looking in his cabin in a long time". I was only 17.
51. I have this thing with designer beach towels. Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Chanel, Hermès.
52. I know how to drive… but I don’t know how to park. The last time I drove a car was back in 2002. I got involved in 2 car accidents; I got REAR-ENDED. Twice.
PS. Discuss this blog post here.
It’s my party… and you may CRY if you want to.
Oh my God. You want to talk about mothers?
You wanna talk about mothers!
It’s mother time, okay!
Your mother’s so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear!
"Something’s wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie’s doing a beatbox!"
I’ll see you all tonight! We’re gonna party till the cows come home.
Special thanks to Absolut for the lovely Absolut Raspberri. The Bryanboy Babooshtini (yes, I even have my own drink) won’t exist without it.
More to come later. I have a party to prepare for and it’s in 8 hours!
I love you all. Email email@example.com or SMS +63-915-785-1492.
PS. Discuss this blog post here.
Lights, Camera, Talk Metro!
Fuck! I THINK I totally fucked up on my LIVE interview earlier. I was sooo friggin nervous I ended up looking like a complete trainwreck… at least that’s what I felt. Cut me some slack though; I have the flu – fever, sore throat, cough and colds.
It’s a miracle I didn’t shat on my pants earlier.
Anyway, I wish I had illegal substances earlier to calm me down. I seriously would’ve opted for whatever River Phoenix had before he died outside The Viper Room.
DOWN SYNDROME in Dior Homme. That’s all I gotta say.
If you got a dollar everytime you heard me sigh, cough, laugh, snort (like a coke whore), say "um" or "you know", you’d be a millionaire by now. Thank god I didn’t fart!
The only thing that was missing was a fuckin loincloth… at least I’d fit my "ooga wooga mooga" caveman TV persona.
Shit, even my voice sounded soooo gay.
My voice is friggin irritating.
I sounded like a stuffy-nosed Irish drag queen on crack cocaine.
Both my hosts, Philipp and Caroline (sp? I forgot her name), were complete PROFESSIONALS. The questions were spot-on, I enjoyed their humor and they did the very best to make me feel comfortable. They also tried to rescue me whenever I get tongue-tied.
It’s a great opportunity and a fantastic learning experience though. It’s not often that I get to be on TV.
Natural high galore… it was FUCKING EXHILIRATING and NERVE WRACKING at the same time.
I’ll be honest… I’m actually NOT disappointed with the outcome.
Why? Because I sorta had a clue that I’m gonna be shit on TV.
If I’m gonna be fine on LIVE TELEVISION, dontcha think I should’ve been on TV ages and ages ago?
Let’s face it… I’m not built for TV.
Save it for people with perfect teeth and those who use whitening products.
What the heck… at least my makeup was good… thanks to my friend Xeng Zulueta, make-up artist extraordinaire (Shu Uemura). She got interviewed as well.
Ooooh I love Shu Uemura.
XENG… GIMME A LIST OF THE PRODUCTS YA USED ONE ME INCLUDING THE COLORS ETC SO I CAN BUY THEM WHEN I GO TO RUSTAN’S!
A family member (gasp) recorded the thing and the 20-minute interview is permantly etched on my head.
Note to people who are gonna be interviewed on TV soon:
1) Take lots of drugs. Get yourself relaxed by injecting the same stuff they use for lethal injections.
2) Learn how to speak eloquently. I sounded like a caveman on TV. Always remember: OOGA WOOGA MOOGA.
2) Stop making noises. In fact, do not MOVE. The only thing thats important are your eyes, your mouth and your clothes. Nothing else. Be a fuckin mannequin in front of the camera.
3) DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, INHALE or EXHALE throughout the interview. OXYGEN DEPRIVATION is the key for that perfect TV look.
4) Be straight to the point when giving out answers to your hosts. You have no time for mental block.
5) Xanax, Valium, Rivotril, Mogadon, Ambien, Vicodin. Swallow two of each and wash them down with a bottle of vodka.
Practice makes perfect. I know I’ll be better next time.
I HIGHLY DOUBT IF THERE WILL BE A NEXT TIME.
Now I know what those American Idol rejects feel…
Talk Metro. Every Saturdays at 8PM on ANC (ABS-CBN News Channel). It’s also available to viewers around the world via TFC (The Filipino Channel). Check with your local cable/satellite TV operator if it’s available in your area.
I’m not really a fan of this obese platinum blond aryan whore named PINK but her latest video brings home the bacon.
Visit this link to watch Pink’s latest video.
God I LOVE pop culture: the eternal quest to having the perfect, emaciated body via eating disorders and drug abuse, the ridiculous clothes, the trashiest accesories one can wear that’s worth several months of an average person’s salary, the belief that sex sells, the liposuctions, the cosmetic surgeries and the need to look plastic… I LOOOOOVE it all!
Maybe if I act like that, flippin my blond hair back, push up my bra like that…
I like the bit where she said….
Oh my god guys, I totally had like 300 calories that is soo not sexy.
*ugh* *vomit* *ugh*
I WILL BE SKINNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
I love it. I really do.
Bryanboy Loves… and Random Cheesemax
#1 – Bryanboy loves people from Cataluna, Spain, Kent, OH, Trenton, NJ, San Angelo, TX, Chicopee, MA, Fall River, MA, Hastings On Hudson, NY, Shawford, NH, Kanagawa, Japan, Burwood, NSW Australia, Ostfold, Norway, Leuven, Vlaams-Brabant Belgium, Jaguh, Johor Malaysia, all my friends who live in Trollhattan, Vastra Gotaland Sweden and of course, my homies in Severna Park, MD. I love, love, love, love you all!
#2 – Bryanboy gives a huge shout out to all his lovers and friends from Melbourne, Australia, especially Suz. Thanks darling, you’re sooo sweet.
Nikki (from Queens, NY if I’m not mistaken) sent me a picture of his love. In spite the fact that he didn’t show his face and he couldn’t spell my name right, it’s the thought that counts and I love him regardless.
#3 – I’m sure you people know how I despise photoshop. Here are 3 exceptions though. The first image came from Paul, who, in celebration of Australia Day, thought me and Cate Blanchett have similar features while the other one is from Joella who lives in Sweden.
This threesome photo brought a smile to my face, courtesy of a guy from Offtopic. I love it.. though that pic of me looks as if I have a hairy chest.
#4 – I didn’t go to that Paul Van Dyk event yesterday night. I’m not going out tonight either. I’m still sick. Not even the liquid strepsils thing I bought in Moscow last year could save my sore throat.
#5 – I finally found a webhost that offers at least 1 Terabyte of data transfer. Whew!! Dreamhost.com, say hello to Bryanboy.
I think that’s all for now. My throat, head, neck and back hurts. I think I’m gonna give birth now.
As always, you know where to contact me. Email firstname.lastname@example.org or SMS +63-915-785-1492.
Happy Birthday Bryanboy.com!
Pop open your virtual Cristal and Clicquots bottles and greet my little website a jolly first birthday.
Believe it or not, over 2 million computers worlwide had a taste of my third world arrogance and pretentiousness over the past year.
Thank YOU… each and every one of YOU for spreading the word around.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE you all!
Bring Out the Missoni!
Don’t you just love the rain?
Gray skies, a light breeze, H2O falling from the sky…it’s enough to justify cashmere, wool and mohair.
I don’t care if it’s 24 degrees celsius outside… that’s the closest thing we have to winter you bitches.
Screw Filipino people and their tacky nylon "windbreakers".
Ugh. Please, for the life of god, stop wearing such hideous garments.
Wear your nylon jackets, I’ll wear my cashmere, my wool and my mohair, thank you very much.
Fashion first before comfort.
I don’t care if I sweat inside as long as it’s not visible AND I look FUCKING fabulous on the outside.
(Don’t get me wrong – sweat is NEVER fabulous. A couple of sweat beads on your upper lip is enough to unglamourize an ensemble. Take it from experience. If you’ve got a sweaty upper lip, I’ve got a sweaty body – they don’t call me sweaty betty for nothing. The heat in this cesspit of a third world civilization is PURE torture, I’m telling you.)
The Missoni is gorgeous, non?
One last gorgeousness and I’m out.
I Have Seen the Future
… and all I can think of is the past and the present.
Meet Bryanboy’s borderline 80-something (or so she says, but we all know old women lie about their ages) grandma.
Images of liposuction and extreme plastic surgery pumped my scared mind.
I want to be as fabulou as Nan Kempner SANS liver spots, warts, wrinkles, veiny limbs, saggy skin, etc.
She’s spending the night over at our humble abode because my parents and some of my siblings went on a quick vacation. It’s just me, our maids and my grandma and her driver whos here in my house.
I went to Firma earlier, one of my favourite shops in Manila where they sell a wide variety of chic knick-knacks and bought this aquamarine-colored glass beaded necklace. I told her to try it on so I can take a picture of her.
Let’s just say I LOVE my grandma to BITS but that necklace would look FUCKING GOOD on me if I wore it with a plain white tank top and some jeans.
I love you nana!
Prima facie evidence that weight watchers (at least in the UK) is effective. Look at what "snuggles79" achieved in 9 months.
Visit his web page to see his photos:
I wonder if weight watchers can make me skinny, too.
Bryanboy Loves and Random Cheesemax
#1 – Bryanboy loves people from
#2 – I went to Embassy #2 and it looks like my visa will be approved. Unless they see this cheesemax, feel guilty and deny me when I go back.
The good thing about their embassy is how they make sure your documents are in order BEFORE you pay for the visa fee at a bank – yes, they don’t accept payments right there at the embassy. You HAVE to WASTE A COUPLE OF HOURS to go to a bank just to pay for your applicaton. Their reasoning behind this red tape drama is how they WANT to view your documents first before they make you pay the fee. If you paid the fee, all you need to do is to come back (AGAIN) at the embassy, submit your payment receipt and your passport and off your passport goes so they can stamp the visa.
If they have a problem with your documents, they’ll see you home and ask you to comply with their guidelines (therefore you won’t have to pay for the fee) because your application will most likely be declined.
That’s the good thing about this embassy – I guess they’ll only make you pay if they know you’re gonna be approved and if not, then they won’t ask you to pay for the fee, unlike others.
Next step for me?
All I need to do is to come back on Monday, queue for 2 hours, hand them my proof of payment for the visa fee AND THEN wait for 10 "working days" for them to stick a damn stamp on my passport.
Thing is, I’m leaving on NOVEMBER 15th!
Here’s what boggles me even further.
Me: How long is your fastest processing time? I saw on your flyer that you have 3 working days processing (this is the one I had last year) and a next and same-day process.
Her: 10 days
(followed by her closing the door in front of my face)
HOW RUDE IS THAT?
See what I’m telling you about being the mercy of others? It’s a position I hate next to doggie style.
If I didn’t need anything from then I would’ve slapped and spat at her in the face, told her she’s as big as a fucking elephant and she smells like funeral flowers.
I have to play the nice and sweet "oh, ok" game.
Word of warning – I had a different consul this time compared to the one I had last year. My consul back then was a nice and accommodating lady.
This one though was the WORST and RUDEST consul I’ve met in my ENTIRE life. I wanted to ask her a few questions but she was dowright cold.
Anyway, I have a feeling the bitch wore vintage Dior.. Her jacket and skirt had "buckles" in various positions, like the hem of her skirt (diagonally). The print of her skirt suit was AWFUL though.
She really was a complete BITCH – I submitted 2 tourist visa applications because I wanted 2 "single-entry visas". I don’t a double-entry visa because according to their policy, their tourist visas are only limited to a 30 day max. I’m staying 3 weeks in her country, followed by 2 weeks of galoping around a couple more contries and finally, a week back again that rude evil troll’s country so I can take that famous train (or somethin) to yet another country. It’s the perfect journey for a lifetime!
But no, this bitch consul disregarded my 2nd applicaton for the 2nd leg of my trip and acted as if I didn’t submitted anything. She’ll only consider the first application.
I remember her telling me that she might give a double entry visa but I gotta do your 2nd entry within 30 days.
I DON’T WANT TO DO MY 2nd ENTRY IN 30 DAYS!
Sod it. I WANTED to explain how she was misundertsood (I explained my case eloquently) but the fat girl behind a counter probably couldn’t understand a word of english so I’ll chalk it down to experience.
These embassy people are fucking insensitive.
There you are, a legitimate tourist who will burn your money in their motherland, and then they’re acting all hoity toity in YOUR cuntry (no pun intended – I love my CUNTRY)… UGH!
I’m 100% sure these expats are the ones who leave supermarket carts in the parking lot.
Oh yes. Their faces look familiar.
YOU KNOW WHAT’S EVEN FUNNY?
Her country is one of the most powerful nations of the world but a TON of their citizens are dirt poor, just like Filipinos.
Thank god they don’t have street children though but they have the MOST number of heroin addicts in the world.
I won’t tell you what that country is.
Enough bitching with the embassies. You all probably have NO idea what I’m talking about anwyay, LOL!!!
Here’s my visa tally so far
Destination1 – Approved
Destination2 – Most Likely to be Approved if not Approved already. Problem lies in the delay as to when can I get my passport cause I’ll be submitting the visa fee receipt on Monday – it takes about 10 WORKING days from the payment of the fee for them to process my application… and I’m leaving on NOVEMBER 10!!!!!
Destination 3 – May not have time to apply for this one. I have an appoinment on Friday so I’ll ask whether they require my passport to be in their place as I apply for yet another visa on their embassy.
Destination 4 Nothing.. Absolutely nothin. I haven’t applied yet.
#4 – God I’m freaking out as I’m typing. I’m hallucinating and I can see people standing up, mingling, drinking etc at the corder of my eye. I think it’s the side effects of going for 2 days without sleep and downin a xanax.
#5 – If you’re living in the land of the bown, the natives and l’exotique, be sure to buy a copy of the Philippine Daily Inquirer tommorrow, Saturday. I’m THERE = and I want YOUR feeback.
I love you all!!! Email email@example.com or SMS: +63-915-785-149.