"When can I go home?"

Written By bryanboy

"When can I go home?"

You know, I haven't brought out the waterworks in quite a long time. When my grandfather passed away a few years ago, I remember not shedding tears even though I love him a lot. It's different this time around. My grandma (my dad's mum) is the grandparent I'm super close with. I shed some tears yesterday night when I visited her. The only thing that held me back from really crying was my mum and my grandma's nurse, who were standing near my grandma's room. Even though my grandma's body, at least her lower half, is totally paralyzed, she was still able to respond when we talk to her. When I held her hand, the first thing she mumbled was "how are you" and "have you eaten yet" like she always does.

I asked her how she's doing and she replied by asking me "when can I go home" in spite of her lying on her OWN bed at her house! I have a feeling she thinks she's still at the hospital. It was so difficult to look at her face and it's so depressing to see her suffer. It must be very, very agonizing for her. Of course I'm scared at the prospect of losing her but at the rate things are going, I wouldn't be surprised if she goes soon. It's soo sad… and to think, her birthday is a month away! My grandma is the only grandparent I have and when she's gone, it changes the whole dynamic of our family. My parents, who are now grandparents thanks to my lovely niece, are going to be the new 'elders'. It's official. We're all old.

It's fascinating how the years have gone by. Here's what used to be a very, very strong and determined woman who was always in charge, always in control… it's simply gut-wrenching to see her helpless on her bed waiting for the lights to finally shut down for good.


  1. i totally cried when i read that, what you said about your grandma and the things she says was so beautiful! – your grandma reminds me of mine! and about her asking to go hom, it fucking killed me :'( i wish her & you & the rest of your family the best of luck in this sad situation. just make sure you get to tell her everything before it’s too late – it happened with my grandpa, i never got to say goodbye or even i love you because i just cried and cried and a few hours later he died, never to hear a peep from my mouth other than stupid sobs :(
    take care bryan <3!

  2. hey bryan, what would we ever do without our lolas? the most important matriarchs in our lives. your lola must be so proud of you. kung malakas lang siya ngayon, i bet minamamalaki ka. at obvious, na mahal na mahal ka. sending my prayers.
    lolas rock!

  3. i can’t imagine what it must be like bryan. when my nanna goes i will have no one to steal beads, purses and scarves off, nor have anyone to tell my deepest secrets
    good luck.

  4. make her happy BB :) surely she’s a wonderful person, but she doesn’t have to go lonely. make her laugh and cry because of joy, that’s what we did before our own grandma went ‘home’.

  5. Your lola is actually a wise and tactful woman. “When can I go home?” is a actually a euphemism for our home where there is no more sufferings.
    Be strong.

  6. Arvind Bhadouriya

    it’s a very difficult state of mind and heart where you dont have any idea how to handle it. I understand it very well as i am also in fear of loosing my sweet grand mother, she is now pretty old but her charmness is so bright and serene. She is like a God or something more than that for me.
    I want to live maximum possible time with her.
    But I also understand evrything is in the hand of great God, whatever he will do that will be in the favor of all.
    So just pray for her and give all your anxieties and sadness to great God.

  7. my heart goes out to your and your lola. I’ll pray for you before I go to sleep BB, stay strong and may God Bless you and your lola.

  8. it’s a hard thing to see the family in this situation. If you understand spanish maybe the designer teasing videos in my blog cheer you up a little bit
    you rock!

  9. it’s ok to not always be strong with these things. it’s a really hard situation and there’s no other way to get through it sometimes than to let it overcome you. good luck

  10. I feel for you. My own mom and gran both died in their own beds at home so I know what it feels like. Prayers to you and yours.

  11. So sad that I’m in the same situation as you are… my grandma just came out from the hospital after her almost 4 weeks of stay there… Though the entire family already have a hint on what may possibly happen, Im still hoping that she can still survive… I just lost my mom 10 years ago and I still missed her… Today is her birthday and I just hope that she will give strength to her mother (my lola) so that we can still share happy moments as we used to have.
    My prayers to you and your family.

  12. BlissBoo

    Very touching post BB. My heart aches for you during your time of need. I never knew my Grandmother(s)/Grandfather(s) because they had already passed (except for one, but he was in Japan and I met him when I was a young child).
    My Father passed in 2000 and to date it still hurts. As some posters mentioned above, please tell her all the things you want to tell her now because you will regret it later if you don’t. Even if she is ‘out of it’ there is a chance that she will hear something. Holding her hand, massaging her limbs are tender things you can do to try and help ease her pain.
    The end of life is so heartbreaking, but the beauty of it is that she lived a long life and I am sure loved most every minute of it.
    Keep strong, but it’s OKAY to cry and let it flow whenever you want.
    Love you and be well,

  13. This experience can relate to all at this stage in life, my grandmother is in a similar state of health. Last time I saw her she asked ‘is [myname] not coming this time?’
    Not sure how comfortable I’d feel blogging about sucha personal issue but it’s clearly touched a lot of people. It is heartbreaking, feel for you hugely xxx

  14. i am so sorry about your grandmother :( both my grandparents on my dad’s side, especially my grandmother, are quite sick and it breaks my heart to see them so weak and inactive. I really hope you and your grandmother stay strong <3 hope she becomes well!!!!!!

  15. this was a really sad but beautiful entry. My grandmother is suffering dementia, in the later stages, and for her all i wish is that her pain doesnt continue for much longer.
    when we last visited, she said the dark people were coming to get us, and she was worried about us. Getting old just seems to be so tragic and painful – her dementia was brought on when my grandpa died.
    I really wish you and your family love and strength and I hope your Grandmother isnt in too much pain. It is strange realising you’re becoming the new “middle” generation, and your parents the elders…
    Much Love
    Brooke (australia)

  16. awww… i know how that feels. my heartstrings are pulled when i look at my lola. (actually any lola…or lolo) esp when realize that she used to be so strong and energetic, etc and now she’s so old…

  17. I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time, I’ve been through that and it’s very difficult I know.

  18. I feel you. Losing a grandparent sucks because they’re just so loving towards you.
    I lost my grandpa not so long ago. It was so depressing because he was 88 years old and very healthy. Everyone thought he still had a lot of time left. It wasn’t until some guy on his bike crashed into him and my grandpa fell down, hitting his head. Apparently his brain started to bleed and it just wouldn’t stop. He died 4 hours later. His funeral was definitely one of the most depressing days of my life, and I still feel my eyes getting warm whenever I think of him now, 5 months later.

  19. Your photo definitely moved me. :( I have two similar shots taken with my granny too. One from a visit and the other when she just passed away. :( God bless us all!

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