"When can I go home?"

You know, I haven't brought out the waterworks in quite a long time. When my grandfather passed away a few years ago, I remember not shedding tears even though I love him a lot. It's different this time around. My grandma (my dad's mum) is the grandparent I'm super close with. I shed some tears yesterday night when I visited her. The only thing that held me back from really crying was my mum and my grandma's nurse, who were standing near my grandma's room. Even though my grandma's body, at least her lower half, is totally paralyzed, she was still able to respond when we talk to her. When I held her hand, the first thing she mumbled was "how are you" and "have you eaten yet" like she always does.

I asked her how she's doing and she replied by asking me "when can I go home" in spite of her lying on her OWN bed at her house! I have a feeling she thinks she's still at the hospital. It was so difficult to look at her face and it's so depressing to see her suffer. It must be very, very agonizing for her. Of course I'm scared at the prospect of losing her but at the rate things are going, I wouldn't be surprised if she goes soon. It's soo sad… and to think, her birthday is a month away! My grandma is the only grandparent I have and when she's gone, it changes the whole dynamic of our family. My parents, who are now grandparents thanks to my lovely niece, are going to be the new 'elders'. It's official. We're all old.

It's fascinating how the years have gone by. Here's what used to be a very, very strong and determined woman who was always in charge, always in control… it's simply gut-wrenching to see her helpless on her bed waiting for the lights to finally shut down for good.