All I Want is to Run, Lose Weight and Take Paparazzi Photos
My metabolism is slowing down, my skin is getting shitty, I’m nursing a
flotation device on my midsection and I’m getting lines on my face. I’m
turning 46 years old in 4 days! I’m not sure if you are aware of this (it’s been going on for the past few weeks now) but I jog for at least 30 minutes every day. I recently signed a pact with the devil that requires me to be fit… or else, god forbid, I’ll turn into a pudgy bloated brown buddha someday.It runs in my family. YUCK! All I want is to be able to look at myself on the mirror, naked, and say "GOD DAYUMM I’M HOT"!
Now. Lookie lookie at what I bought over the weekend. Click click click!
I went to the mall the other day because one of the broadsheets here wanted to interview/feature me on their paper. I went there a bit early (I know, I know. Bryanboy? early? pah! what else is new, your hymen?) so I had lots of time to to run some errands etc.
While waiting, I popped by the supermarket to buy a carton of cigarettes and I saw this guy on the queue who looked like he just got out of the gym: white t-shirt, navy shorts, trainers, sweat stains on his clothes, the works. I don’t like looking at random strangers in the eye, especially if they’re old and not hot (btw, he was stinky… not body odour stinky but real man stinky) so I shifted my focus on his shoes.
And then it dawned on me. I need new running shoes myself!
I’ve had my old puma running shoes for centuries. I swear to Reese Witherspoon I’ve had those pumas for ages. They’re not broken or anything. They’re just old. It never occurred to me before that I needed new running shoes because hello, I don’t run often and I gave up wearing non-leather shoes a long time ago.
All things aside, perhaps my old puma shoes are the reason why I’m not THAT motivated when it comes to running. How shallow, no?
I mean, I would jog for 30 minutes a day but only outside the house and around our block, over and over and over. I’m too scared to go further as in 3-4 miles further because what if I got tired of running? What if I wanted to go home? I don’t want to walk for miles.
And I don’t carry my cellphone with me when I’m running so it’s not like I could call any of my fabulous friends who owns helicopters and private jets to rescue me.
HUUUWHATTTT FRIENDS? How I wish. Hahaha!
I know what you’re thinking. Please don’t tell me to get a treadmill and run there instead.
You see, we used to have a treadmill until my family got sick and tired of it. I don’t know about you but the idea of exercising in the comforts of your own home beats the purpose of being at home, if you know what I mean. Let’s put it this way: why exercise when you temptation is just around the corner? Why exercise when it’s easier to raid the larder, go on a binge and watch DVDs?
So there. Poor machinery gathered dust, mold and rust over the years until we threw it away at the junk shop.
The same applies to every other exercise equipment we bought over the years.
Forget about gyms. I loathe gyms!
Running — real jogging outdoors — is the only option I’ll take at this point.
Part of the reason why I want jogging is because I’m secretly hoping
people would catch me on the street, all sweaty and running in my hot
neon pink Juicy Couture tracksuit (with the word JUICY on the ass) and
then I’ll be all "THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT, BITCH!".
"Oh hi Bryan!"
"Oh why hello there!"
"Nice to see you jogging!"
"THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT, BITCH!"
ROFLMAO. Just kidding.
Back to the supermarket.
I paid for my nicotine stash and rushed to the other side of the mall where no flaming gay would dare go.
To the sporting goods store!
The sporting goods store is basically the epicenter of masculinity. This is the motherland of all things "sportif". They have everything from trainers to shoes to awful sporty clothes, gym clothes etc.
Not my cup of tea to be honest.
I was sooooo nervous at first. It was soo awkward, I swear I felt like a $5 dollar whore in church! This is the first time I’ve gone to a place and felt I didn’t belong. It’s sooo wrong in sooo many levels, dontcha think?
Now I know what it feels like whenever girls ask their boyfriends to buy tampons or something. It’s the SAME feeling of awkwardness.
But a gurl has to do what she’s gotta do so…
I’m a gurl with a mission so I pointed to the man who wants his commission and asked him about those Nike+ shoes that you can hook up with your ipod.
It was my German friend Sebastian who got me all curious and interested. If I remember correctly, he got these super dark navy blue Nike+ shoes with yellow whatever. I forgot. When he showed them to me, I had to tell him "yeah they look nice" even though deep inside I was like "uhhhh ok". Some kind of friend I am. Hah!
What am I supposed to say anyway? I know absolutely nothing when it comes to sports shoes!
The store had like 4 or 5 Nike+ shoe models… not much to choose from. I’m sure there are other stores out there but I need some damn running shoes right here, right now.
I checked the Nike online store and they have LOTS of models. Unfortunately, they don’t ship to the Philippines so whatever.
As for me, I ended up getting this pair at the shop.
I know they look awful but they’re MEANT to look awful. But I love them. I really do. They’re my new babies.
My shoes are available online (US$110) but in a different color. Based on the current exchange rate, I think I paid mine for about US$145. Proof that everything is overpriced here in the third world.
My friend suggested that I check out Y-3 shoes but they don’t have it in the mall near me.
Besides, you don’t see celebs running in Y-3.
The reason why I got that pair is because I have mental images in my head of celebrities jogging. Isn’t it funny how the paparazzi takes them all the time? I had a vision of myself doing the same! I WANT bryanboy jogging pics. Hahaha!
Think about it. In a few days I could be taking pics like these:
But I’ll be fabulous. God, that Jessica Simpson is thick.
BTW, if you know a tall muscle mary who’s willing to be photographed with me and be my slave, tell them to pop me a note. I soooo want to pull a Geri Haliwell!!!!
OMG I’M LOVING THIS ALREADY!!! THINK OF THE PHOTO POSSIBILITIES!
All because of I got a pair of Nike+ shoes!
Y’all know I’m such an attention whore. It’s like everything I do is based on what it’s gonna look like online! ROFLMAO.
Anyway, this is me wearing my new kicks. I showed these pics to one of my friends and she was all like "OH MY GOD YOU HAVE BIG FEET!".
For a gurl, yes, I do have big feet. I’m American size 10 women’s (yay model sizes!) but for men’s, in this case, I’m a size 8 and a half, which is very tiny, I think.
Ugh. Can you believe I’m wearing Nike trainers? Who would have thought?
What do y’all think? Don’t tell me they look "nice" when I know deep down you’re thinking they’re horrid. like I did to Sebastian. Karma is a bitch. HAHAHAHA!
Email me and tell me you love me! My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org or SMS +63.915.785.1492.
I love you all, as always!