The universe must be sending me a sign when my ginormous 17-inch Sony Vaio died a few weeks ago. That ginormous baby is about 3 years old, which is pretty much geriatric — a senior citizen — in technology terms. I know I could easily go to the Sony service center here, get it fixed and give it an upgrade but the amount of time, money and patience I’m gonna end up spending is not worth it. Giving old computers an upgrade is like giving an 80 year old bitch a botox and a face-lift. No amount of nip, tuck, pulling and stretching can bring an old hag back to her former glory. I’d rather buy a brand new one. In fact, I have another HP laptop I got about a year and a half ago and I’m already sick of it.
Imagine my surprise when I saw the Olga Sherer of notebook computers at the mall a few days ago. I had to stop, gawk and admire that little skinny piece of shit like Michael Biserta‘s huge cockerel piece and the guys gone wild girl bitches who screamed OWWWW MYYYYYY GAWWWWWWD.
And OOWWWW MYYYY GAWWWD I bloody screamed indeed.
That thing is probably made out of cardboard… you never know. HAHAHAHA. I didn’t go inside the store because I know myself and my spending habits. I’m such an impulse buyer! While we all buy fashion and accessories thinking about the short term, computers, on the other hand, require special attention. The way I look at it is this: buying technology is like
trying to find buying a boyfriend. The same rules apply whenever we go out there and try to find ourselves a decent man. Not that I buy guys, I’m wayyy too gorgeous for that shit. Last time I checked, I still get cruised by old farts… I have a big market out there! Hot sex pays me not the other way around if you know what I mean.
Click click click!
Bryanboy’s Computer Buying Tips
- Must be VERY young and very useful.
The younger the better. This is where it’s perfectly legal to snatch someone’s cradle.
- Must be rich (in features, DUH), powerful and strong.
It’s important that your newfound baby is capable of doing several things like work on word documents, spreadsheets, photochop, browse the internet, have iTunes open AND watch "Groovin’ Grannies: Grannies Gone Wild Creampie Edition" AT THE SAME TIME.
- Must have a big cock, err, I mean, memory (and lots of storage space).
You want someone/something to remember your birthday, anniversaries and your great grand mother’s cousin’s husband’s stepfather’s favorite food. I don’t know about you but I want to make sure the person I’m going out with is capable of remembering everything. I have short-attention span you see. What goes into the right ear comes out of the left ear faster than you say baboosh. This is why you need lots of storage space — to keep EVERYTHING!
- Must come with all the bells, whistles, sugar, spice and everything nice to make a hot & horny Lolita nymphomaniac like me happy.
USB ports… check! Wireless mouse capability… check! Wi-fi… check! Good video card for playing sim city… check! Virus scanner… check!
- But most
importantly, he must be nice-looking.
Heck, I know LOTS of girls, real, chic girls, who sacrifice their dignities (and aesthetics) by going out with these rich and powerful men. Except my asscrack is prettier than some of these guys. For real. Go buy one of them fashion magazines and you’ll see what I’m
talking about. You got the hot pro-ana babe in Valentino haute couture and you’ve got the guy who looks like a foot and no amount of Brioni can save his bucktooth ass. Sometimes I wonder how the hell they sleep
at night. Do they sleep in separate beds? True love, you ask? Never mind the fact that he’s fug. If a blowjob means access to the lear jet, the mansions, the jewels, the furs and a cool new python Nancy Gonzales bag every month, then so be it.
On second thought, give me the burger-flipping blond jackass any day at least when I have kids in the future they’re gonna look pretty. OK FINE. Perhaps not WAYYY too good looking because we all know most HOT HOT HOT guys are dense, they got no substance, no personality and worse, no money. He has em all! But then again, would you want to be seen canoodling with a fugly piece of
bajillionaire shit IN PUBLIC? Shame on you for choosing money over morals.
Oh who am I kidding. I have a fashion
addiction to fund!!!!! So yeah…. in the end, he must be presentable at the very least. Either way, there has to be balance because nobody is perfect. Except for me… but then again, I’m immortal so I’m pretty much out of the equation here. If you find someone perfect, by perfect meaning wealthy, powerful AND good-looking, chances are, they end up dead. Like JFK Jr. LOL.
See? That’s all you need, really.
Now the big question is… should I go for a PC Laptop or a MacBook Pro?
I’ll be honest here.
I’ve never, EVER, EVER been a Mac user. I’ve never owned a Mac, haven’t used a Mac for longer than 2 minutes.
MAC make-up yes, oh man, I love MAC lip glass, their concealer (NC35)
and their foundation… but other than that, no, I’ve never owned a Mac
computer before. I’ve always had this mentality that Mac people are
second-rate, dumbass citizens, you know, "all looks and no function".
Every time I’ve seen someone use their MacBook, the number one
program they have open is iTunes.
I mean really, other than fucking
iTunes, what else can you run on a bloody Mac? iLife? iMovie? iDick? iPussy? iPorn? iAmsuchaloser?
Also, Mac users have given me endless headaches, e-mailing from time to time saying they’re having problems viewing my site.
Windows PCs on the other hand are, well, they’re familiar and nice.
I once went to the Apple store here in the third world to see a MacBook in action and to be honest with you, my experience lasted 30 seconds.
All I remember was… there’s a bunch of buttons at the bottom of the screen.
By the way, someone told me that there’s no "right-click" function on the mouse and no shortcuts, meaning I can’t really use undo/copy/paste/save as.
Oh dear. Oh my.
With all of that being said, y’all gotta admit though that Mac Books are sexy. Some are white, some are black but either way, they both look good.
You can also buy those cheap rubber plastic sticker things that you can put on the cover of your notebook to give it some punch. Personally-speaking I don’t like them sticker things because they make it look like a bloody plastic mat.
Oh I don’t know anymore.
Maybe I should swallow my pride and haul my fat ass back to the Apple store once again, do a test drive and get me one of these shiny, shimmering white knights? Forget the learning curve, maybe it’s worth it?
MacBook Pro photo via ebay
Thing is, if I get a Mac, that means I need to get new things, too.
I need to get a new digital camera that’s Mac-compatible, I need to get a video camera that’s also Mac-compatible. I need to get all sorts of things like software, blah blah blah. Thinking about it makes me want to throw up.
Buying a computer is really just like buying a man. You can’t just buy him on his own, you need to get him some nice shoes, too!
Well, what do you think?
As always, email me and tell me you love me. My email address is email@example.com.
I love you all!