First Baby Pictures: Meet Dominique

As much as I love Janice Min and Us Weekly, I sold my soul to People magazine because of their $5 Million offer.

Dominique

Her cheeks are festively plump alright and she’s gonna need a nosejob at one point but yeah, people of the world, I am now a proud aunt!! Meet my niece, Dominique. The latest addition to the familia de horreur has 2 names, Dominique ______. I refuse to acknowledge the 2nd name because it’s terrible. If you take the initials out and turn it into a nickname, it’s gonna be nasty because I know someone with the same nickname and that person is a backstabbing, wonky-eyed coke whore — oh wait, that is *was* me! JK. I also don’t like the nicknames "Nikki" or "Nicky" (ugh) nicknames no doubt, other kids will call her when she’s growing up, so yeah, let’s just pretend that name doesn’t exist. Hahaha! Her mother would kill me (!!!!!) but who cares. You know I only have my niece’s best interests in mind, her name is Dominique and that’s that.

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Why, hello there gorgeous!

Dominique

Someone’s dick poked my niece on the head hence the red spot. Fucking filthy sluts. Hahaha!

Believe it or not, I’m already working on her birthday gift list: her first bottle of champagne at 13,  first cigarette at 14, first line of coke at 15, nosejob at 16… just kidding! I don’t want to get busted by child protection services — wait, we don’t have such thing in the third world! LOL.

Dominique

Forget that line of coke… homegirl already got white shit up her nose…

Dominique

Rhinoplasty… buccal fat removal for fantastic cheek bones… chin augmentation…

Dominique

Awww look at her grin…

Dominique

Good gurl!! That’s EXACTLY what you should do to those damn assholes who will come your way.

Dominique

If everything else fails, just scream my name and I’ll send my goons to sort them out stat.

Dominique

Isn’t she adorable?

Dominique

I had this funny conversation with her mother.

You know how a lot of kids
these days who are raised a certain "pink and pretty" way — pink,
barbie, pink, ponies, pink, ballet, pink, etc and then when they reach
their teens they rebel, get an emo haircut and then convert
themselves into a raging bull dyke psycho lesbian? Oh god. God forbid I have a bull dyke as a niece. One fag is enough for the family, thanks very much.

I’m obviously excited with this new addition to the family. It’s soo overwhelming you know?

Think about it and think it good.

THIS COULD BE ME IN A FEW YEARS TIME:

HOW FUCKING FABULOUS IS THAT?

The gift of life is clearly the best gift in the world, don’t you think?

I want my own baby!!! Is there someone out there who wants to give me a baby?

Oh who are we kidding? I want a Boucheron necklace. NOW!