Meet Ashley Qualls

Fuck me with a fruitcake! God. It’s stories like this that makes me want to whore myself online even further because clearly my faggotry antics are nothing but spare change. Her name is Ashley Qualls (who recently got profiled by Fast Company), she’s 17 years old, she lives in Bumfuck, Uncle Sam of America and she made a cool US$1,000,000 (one million donald duck dollars — that’s 45 million in third world money) and growing, thanks to her free myspace layouts empire.

Ashley Qualls

Where was I when I was 17? Oh yes, I remember. I was busy getting my Gucci ruined by getting gangbanged in the toilets of Departure Lounge at Heaven in London. With all that money in the bank that bitch jailbait better get rid of her baby fat and get herself a lipo as soon as she’s legal. What’s up with the suburban American Eagle mallrat outfit she’s wearing? I say go for Givenchy haute couture! Just kidding. Ignore me. I am SOO jealous much! Congrats Ashley! Thank you for giving us hope and inspiring us with your story.