Someone I know

is about to give birth and she’s gonna name her child like a dog. Well, I searched "my name is _insert offending name here_" and 99% of the results ended up with pages from animal shelters/pet names etc. I’m telling y’all, it’s the Victoria Beckham syndrome. What’s wrong with classic, timeless names? You know, names like Jacqueline, Olivia, Sofia, or Caroline? Maybe I’m a prude but I hate it when people give "trendy" names to their kids and name them after places (Paris, London, Brooklyn, Rome), fruit (Orange, Strawberry, etc) or anything they see in the movies. It’s crazy!!! Please, for the life of god, think of the child’s future and how they’re going to feel when they get older. Ugh. I want to smack her head down the pavement so she can get back to her senses but I don’t want to be arrested for double murder. Naturally, I don’t have the right to complain to their face because it’s their evil spawn not mine. Not my own flesh and blood, thank god. I just hope the poor child will get two names so she can use the other one as backup.

But still.

Fuck it. You know what? If EVER I’m gonna knock up some vajayjay that belongs to a fat bitch and that thing gives birth, I’m gonna name the kid ROVER and feed the thing with Alpo.

PS. Don’t laugh. Rover is WAYYY better than third world doorbell names (read that BBC article) like "Ding Dong" (VOMIT PLEASE) or "Ting Ting" or "Ding Ding" or "Bing Bing" etc. YES!!! THERE ARE PEOPLE, UNFORTUNATE ONES, WHO HAVE NAMES LIKE THAT.