ID? What ID?

Jesus mother of god since when did banks in the third world require 3 IDs to open a US Dollar savings account? I want to open a new, no-frills, simple savings account for one of my hobbies/projects and all the banks I called want at least 3 government-issued IDs like passport, driver’s license, social security card, etc. I have my passport alright but I don’t have a driver’s license because my student license expired about 6 years ago and I didn’t bother renewing it cause a) I got into a car crash/got rear-ended TWICE, b) I don’t know how to drive and c) I have a driver so why bother? I also have a social security card but I didn’t renew it as well — mine is still cardboard when it’s supposed to be plastic and have a photo. Apparently they don’t take birth certificates. IT REALLY IS RIDICULOUS! I mean, I’ve always thought birth certificates and passports are sufficient enough but boy I was wrong. I’m basically screwed. Don’t they know who I am? I’m Janeane Garofalo!

The last time I opened a bank account was back in the dark ages and the branch where I keep my accounts is located about 900 timezones away from me — I can’t be bothered to go there. It’s funny how banks these days want more than your first born child. I know they’re doing it to prevent money laundering but when you think about it, most of the money launderers are politicians/tax cheats/business people with a shitload of money — the same exact people who can sweet talk their ass with the banks. Afterall, they’re the ones with connections AND the money that banks want so really, the laws are pretty much useless. I even spoke to this one bank, EastWest Bank, and they also want a copy of your tax return. JUST TO OPEN A SAVINGS ACCOUNT! How ridiculous is that? And then there’s this other bank whose policy is to put a 10-day hold on US$ cash deposits. Most of the banks I spoke to also don’t accept US$ check deposits unless you have an account with them for at least 6 months.

I really don’t get it, you know? I just don’t. I know I can get a real, non-student driver’s license even if I don’t know how to drive (hello fixers, bribery and corruption) and I also called the social security office and they told me it takes about about a month and a half for me to get a card in the mail AFTER I go to their office. I don’t want to wait THAT long! God save me.