Postcards from the third world: Chalk Magazine (June 2007)

OK. Will someone please snap me back to reality because I’m either a) currently in a k-hole or b) I’m hallucinating. Is it just me or is there something about Chalk Magazine’s cover (a mag in the flips geared towards college students) that screams HARPER’S BAZAAR? No, I’m not talking about the cover person and the clothes/style (duh) but the FONTS! THE HEADLINES! THE NUMBERS! To be honest with you, I find it oh so wrong whenever magazines use two-digit numbers on the cover unless they refer to years, like 75 Years of Vogue or 25 Years of Bryanboy’s Insanity. I mean really, mags should only use numbers on MAJOR things, like 895 Pages of Faggotry or 471 Cock Rings You Should Buy Now.

30?? 30+???? UGH! Try 345 or 689.

The logo looks sooo fucking wrong with the rest of the cover’s layout, yes? No?

Please photochop those arms. Obesity is at an all-time high in the flips and magazines should NEVER EVER send the message to people, especially young college students, that it’s ok to be fat. Just kidding. She’s fat, you’re fat, I’m the fattest — but at least you’ll never see me on the cover of any mag. If I do make it on a cover, I would go through hell fire and back to make sure their photo people, with the power of software and modern day technology, ensure that I look like I’m dying of starvation with my clavicles, sternum and god knows what other bones I possess, STAND OUT, by hook or by crook.

Repeat after me: fatty patty boom boom. We’re all swimming in fat. It’s a big, ginormous, FAT world out there so let’s kill ourselves.