Brian: "Now poodle I’m concerned…"

I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or to take this email seriously. I have to admit it’s one of the best things I’ve ever received on MySpace. Thanks Brian!

Click click click!

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PUMPKIN JUST GET ALL FUCKIN MADONNA AND IN2 THE YOGA AND LEARN HOW 2 SUCK YER OWN PEEN!

HONESTLY- I WAS THERE- EARLY 20′S CHANEL + EVERY OTHER LABEL- …… POPULAR….
IM NOT JUDGING- IT IS JUST A GAY BOY THING…
BUT U SERIOUSLY LOOK SCARY MATE.
BUT FO REAL YO- STILL DEAL WITH EATING ISSUES…… MUCH RATHER SMOKE + DRINK CHAMPAGNE….

BUT I ANIT DIETRICH AND SHE WAS A BIG OL’ GERMAN COW WHO LOVED HER SOME SCHNITZEL!!!!!

CHARGE THE US VERSION OF QUEER AS FOLK- WHERE BRIAN GOES THRU MAJOR SHIT TURNING- FUCKIT- UTUBE IT!!!!!-WE R GAY BOYS WHO R 2 FAB 4 CONTEXT……

LEMME LIGHT A MARLBORO- I FEEL ALL SANDRA BERNHARD TO COURTNEY LOVE 2 U RIGHT NOW….WORK WITH IT STRUDEL.
BETTAH, HELLO!

BUT GIRL IS ALL PUSSYFUK’D FOR TURNING 30- ( IT ONLY GET BETTER- LEMME TELL U!AT AGE 31 , I PLAYED MY CARDS RIGHT + MADE A YEAR + A HALF SALARY IN 1.5 MONTHS- ALL THAT CREATIVE FAGGOTRY CAN TAKE U ACROSS THE WORLD GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!! WORSHIP YOUR BODY- CAUSE IT YOUR TEMPLE- WOUL LA MADAMMOISELLE CHANEL LET IT ROT LIKE LA LOHANSKANKTARDNESS? HELL 2 THA NO FUCKIN WAY EVEN THO UNKLE KARL STROKIN HER PUSS PUSSS!!!!)Q.A.F. THINK IT SEASON 1 OR 2…..NO SEASON 1 MY BAD.

WONT FUCK ABOUT- GO PULL A NAOMI + THROW URE BLKBERRY AT MAID + DEMAND LA BWF HAUS SPECIALITY:
OATMEAL BROWN(AS U GIRL)BREADD MOZARELLA + TOMATO+ BASIL- GRILLED CHEESE IN OLIVE OIL +BALSAMIC VINEGAR.

NOW AUNTIEBWF GOTTA GO PUT HER CHANEL GLASSES ON CAUSE EYEBALLS B RED- AS PARIS’ JAILBIRD PUSSY FROM STARIN AT THIS SCREEN AT THE LATE NITE YO!!!!!
TAKE CARE AND ROCK OUT WITCHYOCOCKOUT YO!!!!!!
SEND U BWF LOVE BRYANBOY PIX SOON IN ME NEW CHANEL- TOLD THE SALES BYOTCH TO SHOOT ME AS I COULD DIE THERE.
LOVE AND SHIT FROM PLANET UNICORN!
HEYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
LOVE U BRYANBOY!!!!
XXX
BWF

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Me: it’s really bothering me how people are telling me I’m like a skeleton when really I’m a fat cow

Mauricio: jealousy, honey. you can never be too rich or too thin

Me: I know. But I cry. I want to eat food. I haven’t had a decent steak in months. I don’t even go out during the day cause I know I’ll end up pigging in a restaurant.

Mauricio: Listen. I’m gonna tell you something.

Me: what

Mauricio: When you’re thin you cry because you want food.

Mauricio: When you eat toy cry because you’re too fat.

Mauricio: What’s better, to be sad and thin or to be sad and fat?

Me: Snejana Onopka

Maurico: because you’re gonna end up sad anyway

Me: can’t I be happy?

Mauricio: but you might as well be at the weight you want to be

Mauricio: bryan it’s not in our nature to be happy

Me: it should be! we’re both brown! we’re both in the third world! you’re in mexico and i’m in the flips. happiness should only be our salvation, no? just look at all the brown barrio people like us. their lives are shit but they’re happy

Mauricio: exactly. their lives are shit and have no salvation. they have to be happy or else they would all be killing themselves

Mauricio: we however, are spoiled brats. we want more because we’ve tasted it

Mauricio: and the fact that we’ll never be satisfied means we’ll never be happy

Me: true

Me: maria. maria la del barrio

Mauricio: i’ve been thinking of suicide a lot lately

Me: why?

Mauricio: it’s like every time i think i may be able to find happiness, something or someone comes along and ruins it

Me: i know the feeling

Me: that’s why i learned to live in the moment. nothing in this life is permanent

Mauricio: who do you think you’re kidding with your nose. that’s not your nose

Me: i had a nosejob. and i waxed my eyebrows

Mauricio: did you really?

Me: I told you last month! check your archives!

Mauricio: why don’t you get the full on sex change? you would make a pretty woman now. get a bald pussy

Me: nah. i don’t wanna be amanda lepore. waxing my eyebrows is the most i’ll do.

Mauricio: if you had your sexchange op, you could have a shot at international model status. you could be on the pages of vogue. vogue USA.

Me: for real? nah. wintour and co. don’t like no asians

Me: i bet galliano would get you for a show

Me: no he won’t. the only one who use the odd ching ching china man and exotics is gaultier

Me: and maybe anna sui. but ho bag ain’t even asian anyway she’s a new yorker.

Me: i’m too old, fat and short!

Mauricio: cut your dick off and get a pussy and tits!

Me: go to hell. i’m gonna cut my hair this weekend

Me: i think i’m just undergoing a phase. it seems the more i starve myself and the longer my hair goes, the more feminine my features become. i need an intervention!

Mauricio: out with the old, in with the new.