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Oh my god, this is totally hilarious!!!! I almost died after reading this email. This is wayyyy funnier than the "why do Filipino girls have black pussy flaps" entry I made last year!
"Americans fuck better than anyone in the world… and not saying that because I am one… but from experience. For example, most Filipinos just lie there like dead corpses — but I know YOU would ride me til I was out of breath and completely out of cum, right???"
– M.P of New York City, NY, USofA.
I love it! I fucking love it! I really do!
I FUCKING GOT OWNED BY A
Thanks, btw, Lucciana, for the chopping skills and thanks to my dear sweet Swedish boy toy for the SS hat picture. Can’t wait till you get out of that damn military service. Just a few more months betch and then we’ll make babies. Beautiful, beautiful ones, as in Edina Monsoon-huggin Models 1-hangin’, Gaultier shoot-goin’ Chanel babies. They’re gonna be soo fabulous we’ll fucking take them to the zoo! Those bloody Cambodians, Namibians and god knows what amphibians that Hollywood celebs are adopting left and right got nothin on our future spawn.
I was soo horny (and utterly utterly bored) last night so I thought, why not entertain myself and "get off"?
Besides, every human being over the age of 5 masturbates.
Your father masturbates.
Your mother masturbates.
Your fugly brother masturbates.
Your fat schoolmate with the pointy nose masturbates.
Your best friend with the ultra-new perforated Chanel 2.55 bag masturbates.
Your ex-boyfriend’s aunt masturbates.
Even nuns fucking masturbate.
Heck, catholic priests are the worse — they rape and molest boys!
Everyone jacks off so don’t give me that look because Patsy Stone said it best.
You may dress like a Christian but the similarity ends there!
We all have our own "little" ways when it comes to taming the big horn.
Most normal people watch hardcore pornographic videos or fondle their genitalia over photographs of people doing scandalous things.
Some read stories at Nifty.org… while others, I’m sure, finger their wet orifices while browsing Sotheby’s or Christie’s websites up to the point of orgasm.
And then there are people like my super straight acting homosexual French-Romanian friend of three years, who I shall hide under the name "voltaire", likes to pretend he’s a girl, goes around internet chatrooms looking for HETEROSEXUAL guys to expose themselves live, on MSN webcam, cocks, balls, cum and all.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m soo totally over my pornography phase. Been there, done that, I can’t even count the number of calluses I have on my hands.
"Cyber" ain’t my cup of tea either. The last time I had "cyber" was back in the glorious days of MIRC.
Before we had MIRC (and if you rewind the clocks even further), all I had was phone sex.
The back pages of Rolling Stone magazine with all the +1 (809) or 011 592 phone numbers was sexual outlet right there.
My father punched me once in the face because I made all these insane international calls month after month after month.
Until I found a solution. I wrote to a shitload of male penpals around the world, gave them our home phone/ mycellphone numbers and/or have me call them collect.
Crazy, I tell you. HAHAHAHAHA!
Enough about the past.
Like what I said, porn ain’t my thing anymore. You can only watch 65 Guy Creampie, Treasure Island Media and Hot Desert Knights movies to a certain point until you get bored of them. I don’t know what it is but to be honest with you, porn is just too dull.
Blah blah blah yaddi yaddi yadda.
I want to unleash some good ol’ verbal diarrhea on how it’s the forbidden that turns me on but I’m soo fucking tired and I want to take a nap
I’m gonna skip the bullshit and cut to the chase.
I trolled around my favourite online classifieds website yesterday looking for dirty guys, dirty words and thick cocks. You know… just to get myself in the mood, play around with random people via email, see how many horny guys will believe me if I tell them I’m 18, 19, 20, 21…. It’s all about mind games. I guess I do get off when I play games with people (even if they play games with me, too.)
I found this advert — two photos of good ol’ male genitalia included (which I can’t display here anyway).
Since I can’t post pictures of cocks, I went ahead and covered his prized possession with my face.
sucking a hotdog.
For the longest time ever, I’ve been getting myself off on this whole bareback whatever buggery.
It’s the forbidden fruit, I tell you.
Which is why it’s sooo fuckin fantastic.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it once again, god forbid I get myself into that crap in real life. I *do* want to reach 75 years old and wear Oscar de la Renta.
The first thing I thought when I saw his advert was "dang! poor 23 year olf flip who just got himself seroconverted. long live teh superaids!"
What the heck, I went ahead and emailed him anyway. Play a little game whatever.
I mean, it’s a fantasy for god’s sake and in my fantasy, I want my tight asian ass get filled up with a thick cock and a ton of warm, wet, thick cum!
Remember: fantasy is different from reality. While it’s great to turn fantasy INTO reality, some fantasies are best to remain as FANTASIES.
And yes, in another universe, my name is TOBY.
So I sent him four pictures.
One of them is a picture of my ass and three of them are photos of me minus my faggotry regalia. LOL. OK, I lied. You can totally see the Chanel necklace, handbag and beach towel there. LOL.
Fast forward a few minutes later, I FUCKING got this via email…
I FUCKING GOT OWNED!!!!!!!!!!!
When he replied, I immediately recognized the name of the sender because this guy is on MySpace, not to mention I also sent him my Bryanboy.com stickers last year…
What the heck, best to come out of the closet eh?
Then I asked him whether he’s the guy behind the SUPER SCANDALOUS BAREBACK SEX BLOG in NEW YORK, which, to be honest with you, is one of my super guilty pleasures…
That blog caused a ruckus in the city that never sleeps. It was sooo insane that even fabulous department store Barneys launched a full-scale investigation as to which of their blond male employee got fucked in the toilets by the author of that blog.
Look at the catty bitch faggot’s reply. I died. Died. DIED!
So I sent him this….
My god, all this cock talk is driving me insane.
I guess the billion dollar question is….
JUST LIE THERE
LIKE DEAD CORPSES
WHEN HAVING SEX?
I know I don’t.
384 people can testify on that (and sadly, only 2 of them are flips)
Answers on a postcard silvous plait. My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org or SMS +63.915.785.1492.
I love you all!