Every time I talk about anal sex with straight people, especially with pure and innocent ladies, the first question they ask me is… "does it hurt"… which is immediately followed by… "what about shit?"
Well, you’re about to find out a little secret that I personally do for a successful sodomy sexperience. Many of you will probably benefit with advice coming from a former POWER BOTTOM (god how I hate that term) so click click click! BTW, this entry is dedicated to Shaniqua, who emailed me early last week asking for help.
I have always been a bottom boy. I really, really, really enjoy getting things shoved up my arse. Words cannot describe the feeling of having a nice, long, fat, throbbing cock punch your prostate while you jack off watching CNN or Fashion TV.
I’ll never forget the time I bought a douche. I must have been 15 or 16 years old.
I went to a drugstore one day to buy some sundries like chewing gum, cotton etc. and then I found this thing on the shelf called "VAGINAL DOUCHE". Being the curious cat that I am, I opened the box and saw this soft, pink plastic thing that was shaped like a burger with a removable nozzle. I had absolutely NO clue what the hell that was for (it said something on the instructions on how you remove the thing and put liquid inside) but I ended up buying the thing anyway cause I thought it might be useful in the future.
When I got home a couple of hours later, I thought I’d play with my newfound toy. I went to the shower, filled the thing with water, and squirted away until I dropped the kids in the toilet.
The nozzle was about 4 inches long, roughly the size of a stabilo boss highlighter and it was as thick as a baby cigar. It had these tiny little holes in the end. To sum it up, it was like getting fucked by an Asian child.
I swear to mother fucking god it was the most surreal and awkward experience in my entire life. It didn’t hurt, no, but it’s like having a pen shoved up your ass. I also didn’t like the fact that the holes were tiny, therefore resulting to limited water flow — I had to clean the nozzle using our bidet several times because the thing was practically covered with shit.
After 30 minutes, I made the conclusion that it wasn’t for me.
I couldn’t just throw it away in the garbage bin because there’s a remote chance that people might see it.
So I hid it.
Away from prying eyes.
Not in my room, of course.
Fast forward a couple of months later, my mom somehow found the thing and started interrogating everyone in the house as to who it belongs to. I almost had a coronary.
When it was my turn, I simply shrugged her off, telling her hello… I don’t have a vagina.
God must have listened my prayers because earlier that week, one of our maids quit so I said to my mum, maybe it was hers.
And that was the end of it. No words escaped my mouth in regards to the little pink douche. In fact, I’ve kept this to myself for soo long. Nobody knows about it. AT ALL.
I made a pact that I will NEVER EVER EVER INFINITY EVER purchase, use and possess such object of filth and sin EVER again in my entire life.
Once upon a time back in the dark ages, I used to be versatile. You know — I fucked AND I got fucked. Now I don’t really like fucking holes but when push comes to a shove, I’ll end up compromising and just do the deed to please a shag.
When one of my former boyfriends asked me to fuck his ass, I thought, ok, fine, whatever.
So we fucked.
And we fucked.
And we fucked.
20 minutes later, I got shit on my dick, shit on my legs, shit on his bum and shit on the sheets.
It was everywhere.
The stench was unbearable. Pure agony, if you’re gonna ask me.
And when you’ve got shit on your body, you have NO CHOICE but to wash yourself using your hands.
Not only the shit remains on your body, you get to touch/feel it too.
The experience was soo traumatising I still have emotional scars.
That was around 8 years ago.
Which is the last time I fucked someone in the ass.
Never again, I’m telling you.
People often think that all they need to do before they get fucked in the ass is to take a shit. They’re wrong.
I’ve spoken to several faggots over the years and it’s quite interesting to hear their responses whenever I ask them how they prepare themselves for a fuck. Some people just take a shit, some use a douche/enema , some even use a bath hose and some don’t do anything at all!
The only thing more disgusting than finding someone else’s shit on your cock is finding your OWN shit on someone else’s cock. I’ve been there too so I know what my ex felt although I have to admit, mine wasn’t as EXTREME as his. I got fucked by this Swiss guy once — everything was fantastic — the sex was amazing — when he pulled out, there was like a tiny spot or two on his cock head. I was all like OMG but he was like I shouldn’t fuzz about it because it was "nothing". There I was, soo embarassed about the experience and he was being totally cool and even joked on how "it felt good knowing I do eat afterall" whereas I completely lost it and screamed like a madwoman when it happened to me and my ex.
What do you expect when you’re poking a poop chute?
I’ll share to you all my little technique.
So far, I’m the only person (to my knowledge at least) who does it.
1) Get a bottle or two of mineral water. Still and most definitely NOT sparkling. Room temperature only please. Personally I prefer Evian but any mineral water would do.
2) Strip yourself naked. While standing up, use one hand to ‘position’ the bottle cap area to your ass. If you can put the opening up your hole, the better. You don’t want water to spill all over the place.
3) Squirt as MUCH water inside your ass as possible — squirt long and hard — you don’t want to do tiny squirts because you want the water to reach wayyy deep where the sun doesn’t shine. Be careful ***NOT*** to squirt dirty water back into the bottle.
4) Keep the water inside your ass. Count 1 to 20. Hold it. Hold it in. Hold it all in like a mother protecting her child.
5) Jump a few times. Yes. Jump… then purge everything in the toilet bowl as if you’re taking a shit.
6) Repeat steps 3 to 5 until the water that comes out of your ass is ***crystal clear***. Be sure to PURGE everything. You sooo don’t want to fart nasty crap when someone is giving you a rim job. Eeew! Que horror!
7) Wait a few minutes, relax, smoke a cigarette, etc.
8) Wash your ass with soap and water.
And there you have it. Your ass is good to go and you can now star in your own gangbang creampie video. You can even let guys felch you. It’s fun!
Remember: mineral water is your best friend.
Email me bitches! My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org or SMS +63.915.785.1492.
I love you all!