Teeter Teeter, Wobble Wobble
I finally gave up yesterday afternoon and went straight to the salon (after blogging) to get a quick haircut. I didn’t have a lot of time because I have a little dinner in the city so my original plan was go to the mall, get a cut then leave — all in 90 minutes.
Ugh. Look at all that excess flesh on my arm. Yuck.
I ended up staying for 3 hours instead, doing something I haven’t done in years and boy you’re in for a treat. I went people watching!!!
By force, that is.
Before going to the salon, I told my driver to run some errands for me to save time like pick up my mail, go to the bank to pay my credit card, etc. I have soo much shit on my plate these days it’s crazy! Anyway, 1.5 – 2 hours should be enough, given the fact that it’s middle of the afternoon and the traffic isn’t that bad. All I have to do is call him once I’m done so he can pick me up from the mall.
I got my hair done alright and ended up buying a few things here and there. Unfortunately, I left my phone in the car and I had no means of contacting him. It’s not the first time this happened so I’m really not worried.
I went to Starbucks (which, btw, is situated right in front of the parking lot so thank god), got myself a venti cranberry juice and trolled away.
There wasn’t anything to do other than smoke cigarettes, listen to my ipod and pray that my driver sees me.
With no one to talk to, no phone, no maid, no nothing, I was pretty much brain dead. It was soooo dull!
And then out of nowhere, something came up in my head.
"How many calories are there in cranberry juice?"
I finished the entire venti plastic glass, hoping there’s not a lot of calories in it because the last thing I want to happen is for me to get fat.
I know how toxic and poisonous Starbucks drinks are, especially those nasty frappuccinos, mochachinos or anything that ends or rhymes with fucking chinos. Don’t get me wrong — I love Starbucks but the only thing I buy there are either their fruit juices, cafe Americano or iced cafe lattes. Everything else is fucking fattening!
So there I was, talking to myself, wondering about the effect of 1 large glass of cranberry juice to my body and then I got this stream of festively plump people invade my personal place.
In a span of 15 or 20 minutes, I felt as if I was the ONLY thin person in the area.
Every single human being that my eyes can see is either a fantastic overeater or fabulously curvy.
I thought I was hallucinating…
but no, it was all real!!!
I know I’m being judgmental right now (hell, most of my loved ones, family and friends are festively plump themselves but I don’t love them any different compared to a thin person) and I’m no Snejana myself but it was just sooo awkward to witness this endless parade of flesh.
I’m 100% confident that my conscience is clear from evil and spiteful thoughts.
It would’ve been SOOO easy to say "oh look at that fat hippo wobbling around yaddi yaddi yadda" but at that time, I didn’t get that "let’s be mean for the pleasure of it" feeling.
I actually felt fear.
Fear that one day, if I don’t stop eating, or, if I lose control, I will be just like one of them.
I really don’t want that to happen.
Who am I fooling? We all know that I’ve reached a personal record and I’ve never been soo fat in my entire life. Gone are the days when all I wear are fucking tank tops and tight jeans. These days, I always wear lose clothes and anything long-sleeved because I’m so ashamed of my body.
I *do* know I’m not fat as in fat fat fat and I’m just really being dramatic over it.
But why wait until I become really fat fat fat? Why lose control? I sometimes cry late at night because I cannot seem to get rid of all the flesh I have on my body no matter what I do.
Thank god my driver came to rescue me from this blatant assault to my senses.
Oh fuck it. I want a big mac, large fries and a large diet coke.
AND YES, I WANT A HOT FUDGE SUNDAE WITH THAT, TOO.
More updates in a bit. Email me and tell me you love me. My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org or SMS +63.915.785.1492.
I love you all!