Bryanboy’s Beach Towel Collection
Get your barf bags ready. I’m about to take the phrase “fashion victim” to a different height and “label whoring” to a whole new level. I’m telling you – times like these confirm that my name is really Serge and I’m Edina Monsoon’s long-lost gay son.
Before we begin, I really look like a dirty scruffy skank with my long hair. Like what I said, it’s still at this weird stage atm. I want it loooooong. At least on the front. I really wanna have long bangs and then I’ll like shave the sides of my head. I dunno. Whatevs. All I want is long hair so y’all have to bear with me.
A Brazilian magazine interviewed me late last night and the writer wanted to know the most absurd piece of designer item I own… or something to that effect. I told her it was a tie between my mustard and lavender-coloured chewing gum holders from Hermes. That was wayyy back in the dark ages. I honestly can’t remember what happened to them. I’m sure I’ve lost them in them in one of my past “exploits” like most of my label-clad sundries.
Fuck the Hermes chewing gum holders though. I once owned this massive logo-a-gogo GG Gucci black lifesaver/flotation device which I believe I used ONCE before “selling it on eBay” which, btw, is a pathetic excuse that I give to people whenever I’m too lazy to turn the house upside down inside out just to look for things. It was this enormous black inflatable thing – I thought it was SOO fucking cool until I used it on the beach (I don’t know how to swim) and everyone, I swear to my grandfather’s grave cross my heart and hope to die stick an AIDS-infested heroin needle in my eye, stared at me.
Why? I have a feeling it’s either:
- the sheer size of the lifesaver itself (it can fit 2 people)
- all the screaming GG logos
- it’s soo hideous and fake-looking it actually looks like a fuckin old truck tire that third world streetchildren use to swim around the poisonous and toxic waters of the third world
- all of the above
During breakfast (3 cups of sugar-free, black coffee + half a pack of Marlboros), I couldn’t help but wonder and ponder about the two hours’ worth of verbal diarrhea I spat to the lady from Sao Paolo. I’m sure you know by now that I’m the type of person who doesn’t think before they speak so I always get myself into trouble… and panic a few hours (or days) AFTER I get interviewed. I shouldn’t have said this… I should’ve said that… blah blah blah, yaddi yaddi yadda. You know what I mean.
Anyway, I recently got invited to participate on this charity auction and in the process of looking for random things in my closet particularly ancient relics knick knacks that haven’t seen the light of day, I came across my small (and humble, may I add) collection of designer beach towels.
OMG LOOK HOW FUCKING FAGGOTY FAG FAG GAYYYYYYYYY I LOOK ON THAT PHOTO. ONLY I CAN FUCKIN TURN A DAMN BEACH TOWEL INTO A TRANNYTASTIC OUTFIT LOL. EEEW EEEW EEW! THE LAST TIME I PULLED THIS CRAP WAS BACK IN THE DARK AGES WHEN I WAS 13 OR SOMETHING. I USED TO PARADE AROUND THE HOUSE WITH THE DUVET THINKING I’M MISS VENEZUELA OR MISS COLOMBIA. HAHAHA!
I really have no words. I know it’s not a lot of towels but I, for one, am shocked that over time, I was able to amass all this cotton candy in my closet. It’s ridiculous!!!! I mean, it’s not as if I go out there thinking “ok, I’m gonna collect and buy beach towels”. If memory serves me right, one of my acquaintances has this cute habit of purchasing an Hermes Twilly on every city she goes to remind her of that particular city/trip. She TOTALLY owned the twilly “look” in this country. I think I read it somewhere but I really can’t remember. She’s probably bullshitting though — I have a feeling she goes around buying those beautiful silk ribbons by BULK season after season, in every style AND every color in every city she goes to. Hahaha!
Before we go astray, point is, I never really thought of “collecting” beach towels and perhaps the only reason that I could think of that made me buy one is the sheer fact that at that time, I thought they were “nice”. I’m sure there’s a story behind each and every piece but unfortunately, I have problems remembering such stories because my brain got fried from years of drug use. Memorising my own telephone number is already bad enough.
Enough verbal diarrhea. Let’s play pictionary, shall we?
BTW, I’m soo sorry about the poor lighting and the pictures. These towels are best laid out on fine, white sand instead of the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. I had to stand on top of a chair in order to take these photos.
This towel is my absolute favourite. I’m sure you’ve seen this already several times.
I also love the ones from Hermes. Being the compulsive shopper that I am, I bought the green towel in London’s Bond Street boutique about 5 or 6 years ago because one of my then newfound friends invited me to her birthday party in Morocco the same weekend – only to find out all the flights are sold out.
These beach towels are MASSIVE! They are probably twice the size of the Chanel ones – you can easily have three people lying on top of it. It’s embarrassing sometimes to use these towels on the beach because of the sheer size.
None of that in-your-face logo-a-gogo galore insanity. There was a time when I used them heavily when I had the Hermes bug I even have the matching red canvas beach tote somewhere. Sooo sick.
I should’ve used a pair of rubber gloves and washed my hands with disinfectant because some of the towels are so downright dirty and offensive – some have gathered dust, dirt and grime over years of non-use and some still have stains of self-tanners, oils and other tanning products.
Like these old Chanel towels I got back more than 10 years ago. I can’t, for the life of god, remember when I got these but I have a feeling this is back between 1995-1997. I’m telling y’all, some of these towels are ancient relics!
This is probably the first ‘designer’ towel I got. I remember throwing a real fit in front of my parents in order for them to buy me this baby.
A few towels from Louis Vuitton…
Another towel from Chanel. It’s one of my “newer” ones. Not new as in this season new but new like 2 years ago and not 10 years ago new.
Here’s something from Missoni. I got this one from Joyce in Hong Kong. It’s not really a beach towel per se like the ones above because this baby is small in comparison. I love the colours!!!! So beautiful eh?
And there you have it!
I have 2 or 3 more towels somewhere but I really can’t be bothered to look for them but yeah. That pretty much sums up my little humble collection. Absolutely insane eh? It would be interesting to see what I add to my “collection” over the next ten years.
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I love you all, as always.