Me, You and Manila Zoo.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my fucking god!!!!

I have like the greatest idea ever in the history of mankind! I think you’re gonna like it. Heck, I think you’re gonna love it!

If you love animals like I do, read on.

I was bored out of my skull earlier this evening I ended up watching TV (something I don’t usually do because it’s crap). I flicked through the channels and saw this fat faggot go gaga at the zoo.

I got sooo fucking jealous because damn fat bitch got to fondle some snakes. He even had the chance to ride a friggin tortoise, touch an ostrich and feed the elephants. Fucking hell. It made me realize my life is pathetic cause…

- the last time I fondled a snake was back on December 27, 2005 at Paris Charles de Gaulle airport and that snake belonged to a German guy.

- the last time I rode a friggin tortoise was yesterday. fine. the thing I rode is not exactly a tortoise but those damn Marikina stone cows were hard on my obese ass.

- the last time I touched an ostrich was June of this year when I cleaned out my closet. Gotta love ostrich feathers…

- the last time I fed a big animal was… shit, I can’t even remember!

I think I fulfilled my "Filipino TV" quota for the rest of the year. I am sooo going to hell after this. I must have spent at least 15 minutes watching that "Pinoy Dream Academy" show. I mean, three minutes is bad enough for my brain… fifteen minutes is worse. They totally modelled it after Big Brother how they have all these young kids stay at some house and they get coached by people how to sing blah blah blah. It’s not exactly my type of entertainment but damn Fashion TV just finished their "Models Talk" segment where thinspirational models get to say silly things like my favourite color is green and after modelling, I want to own a ranch in Wyoming or own a restaurant in the south of France. I don’t mind the big models… they’re interesting. What I don’t to hear are the dumb unknowns from, oh I don’t know, somewhere not New York/Paris/Milan.

I went back to my desk after exposing myself to television crap and I can’t, for the life of god, remove that guy off my head. It really is unfair that he got to go to the fucking zoo. The last time I went to the zoo was back in 1944 when all they had is a dog, cat and a couple of fat birds…

… and then it hit me.

Why not go to the fucking zoo?

It makes perfect sense cause when you think about it, all I do is go to the same old same old places day in and day out. I really should get off my fat ass and discover (I think the best word to use is REDISCOVER) nifty little places in my small home town.

Remember the time I had to play little Miss Tour Guide to one of my friends from Malaysia when he went here? I had fun visiting Intramuros in spite of burning calories by unleashing the inner sweaty betty inside me?

Anyway, so yeah… I reaaaaaallly want to go to the fucking zoo now.

I then realized, shit, maybe, just maybe, it would be fun if YOU (yes YOU YOU DAMN FOOL) come with me to the zoo.

Think about it.

You and me baby we’re nothing but mammals so let’s do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel.

HAHAHAHHA! I’m kidding.

What I meant was…

Think about it.

Me, you (with family or a friend and two), along with all my other gullible-but-lovable readers in the third fucking world, can do a little day/afternoon trip to the zoo!

Photo credit:

We could like set a date and time in the future and then we could all meet up at the zoo, take a shitload of pictures (I’ll even pose on the camera and give free stickers to everyone) and play with animals!!!

Don’t you think it’s fun? Oooooooooooooooooh.

I also thought, hmmmm… if I’m gonna meet some of my readers, they might as well bring me a bloody present. Right?

Well, I don’t want a bloody present.

What I want is cash. Two US dollars or 100 filiflippin pesos to be exact.

What for?

Well, what we can do is…

1) Pick a charity. A really nice charity. We can all vote for a charity.. majority rules or something.

2) Tell that charity I’m holding a little "Bryanboy’s Day at the Zoo’ event and invite them to go there.

3) Get some of their severely underpaid staff to collect US$2 or P100 (OR MORE IF YOU ARE GENEROUS) for each person who joins my Zoo Day. They can have some sort of a donation box or whatever. This way, I don’t have to worry about the bacteria and germs I’ll get from touching your cash. Hahaha *wink*

This whole charity thing came up on one of my old conversations with my Mexican buddy Mauricio…

and then I thought, hmm, I don’t think I can let go of my 5-inch Chloe shoes and my Lanvin cone heels AS OF YET.

OK, I was joking about the absolutely ridiculous charity part. I want the charity to be a REAL CHARITY, you know, something glamorous like the HERITAGE CONSERVATION SOCIETY of the Philippines.

Heritage Conservation Society
G/F Museo Pambata Building
Roxas Blvd., Ermita, Manila

It doesn’t have to be them (we can all pool our ideas and then pick one) but it has to be something fabulous. I don’t want anything to do with starving children. For now at least…. at least until I get thin. Or thinner, rather. Those damn bitches got it lucky they’re anorexic by force whereas I, oh yes, I of the fat kind, keep on getting fatter and fatter as each day comes! I’m kidding. Hahaha!

What do you think? Am I a genius or what?

Not only you’ll get to photograph and play with animals… you’ll also get to meet me AND do something good for charity!!!!

Are you in or are you out?

PLEASE TELL ME IT’S A GOOD IDEA! SAY YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! I DON’T THINK I’M GONNA SLEEP WELL TONIGHT. You can bring your family, friends, clones, hookers, mistresses and other ilk… who knows, it might be fun!!!!!

We can do it sometime next month… that would give me ample time to whore it on the internet. Unless someone does the whoring around on my behalf.

Email me and tell me you love me. My email address is or SMS +63.915.785.1492.

I love you all!