I love each and every one of you.
I honestly don’t know where to begin so I’m gonna start where I think I’m extremely good at: shameless self-promotion.
Y’all gonna have to bear with me over the next few days cause I’m not gonna publish photos of my fugly face. I literally look like a fucking tomato and I’m peeling like a mother fucker, thanks to Obagi. Also, I’m gonna get that Spanish Peel soon – I have to look flawless for THAT special occassion coming up. I’ve been practically living on Yves Saint Laurent and MAC concealer the past few months I sooo fucking need oxygen.
During my brief online "absence", a bunch of my precious sex slaves around the world sent me the following photographs. BTW, thanks for reminding me of my responsibility to entertain your sorry obese ass — y’all certainly know how to make me feel special. I’m sure there’s an envious faggot out there who will literally shit their pants when they see this blog entry.
I have two words: Gretchen Wieners.
There’s a Korean, a Canadian, a random Irishman, a girl from Fiji, someone from Hull, in the UK, who, btw, has the sexiest accent ever, a Filipino person, a very thin boy from Argentina, someone from Bavaria, yaddi yaddi yadda. Fucking hell, there’s just too many to count. It’s like United Colors of Benetton around here except I don’t have a lot of African or Carribean people. How heart-wrenching. EARTH TO MY DARKER-COLOURED HOMIES DON’T Y’ALL LOVE ME TOO? Don’t tell me I have to dress up like Lil’ Kim to get your attention. Shit, even Valentina from the fabulous cocaine-infested land of Medellin, Colombia emailed me.
Joanna, you get A++++ for effort! *KISS KISS HUG HUG*
So yeah… big kisses from me to you. Those damn herpes-ridden haters of mine often tell me that you guys only send me photos so y’all can be "famous" on my blog. I say let them eat cake and lick our hairy scrotums. You’re all beautiful but y’all know I’m the prettiest. You’re all my fucking peasants and let’s leave it at that.
Remember mother fuckers: geography is no boundary when it comes to MY, I repeat, MY, once again, MY faggotry.
Do I have influence? I hope so.
Perhaps I should exercise it often?
I’m gonna take a nap and expect an update from me when I get up.
You all know where to send your photos — email firstname.lastname@example.org or SMS +63.915.785.1492.
Tell me you love my fat, hairy fanny.
PPSS. Try to get hold of this track — "Sister Saviour" by The Rapture. Super Fabulous.
PPPSSS. Eric Lively, I totally look forward to the day you and I start making babies. We’d make fabulous halfies that will put Tiger Woods to shame. (WHY HASN’T ANYONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS GUY BEFORE????????????)… and Caroline from Belgium, you owe me shit but I owe you a million dollars. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME A NEW MAN I CAN JACK OFF TO AT NIGHT. Can you imagine I’ve been fantasizing about Brandon Davis? Tragic.
Yes, I’m fucking joking. Hah!