Blame it on the weather.
[Bryanboy's note: I recommend that you download this track and listen to it while you're reading this blog entry. We all love a bit of drama and everyone knows good drama requires good sound effects. Now sing after me: I can't sleep. I can't speak to you. I can't sleep.]
It’s raining bullets here in the third world, my flu’s gone but I still have a cold. I’m telling you, it’s been a slow recovery. I’ll be fine though. I know I will.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days and I have this funny feeling at the back of my head telling me I should pack my bags, run away, hop on a plane, move somewhere and start a new life from scratch, erasing all traces of the old/current "me".
I think it has something to do with my search for independence, personal fulfillment and happiness.
I’ve been assessing the current state of my life and it kinda got me depressed. Here I am, at __ years old (like I’m gonna fucking tell you) and I haven’t really accomplished anything. Watching TV makes me even sadder because I’m jealous of all these people from small little towns moving to big cities to fulfill their dreams and making it big — on their own two feet. Case in point: that Daniel Vosovic guy from Project Runway. It’s amazing how he went from bumfuck, middle of nowhere fucking America and then he went to New York City with hopes to fulfill his dreams of becoming a designer. And then there’s Donna Jensen from Silver Springs, Nevada (Gwyneth Paltrow/View from the Top) who moved to NYC to fulfill her dream of becoming a Paris, First Class, International stewardess.
I love small town girl moves to the big city stories. I don’t know why I always get a good feeling inside… a feeling that says "that is me and that could be me one day". Maybe it’s because of the fact that I’m a small town girl myself. I mean, fine, I was born, raised and live in a city of 14 million people but let’s face it, Manila isn’t exactly the city where dreams are made and fulfilled. We’re the cesspit of the third world for god’s sake.
A few months ago, my mom threatened suicide when I brought up the topic of getting my own apartment. I let it pass for a bit and when I brought the subject up the other day and she stold me I can move out but she’s gonna cut me off completely. The only one who showed signs of support is my dad who at one point said "you can do whatever it is that you want, it’s your life" but hearing those words made me feel guilty. I love the parentals. I really do, but I don’t want to be the unfortunate child who ends up spending his entire life living in their parents’ cage until the day they die. What really pisses me off is the fact that one of my younger sisters is free… she already got her own place and she’s flying with high colors. They let her move out earlier this year cause she’s little miss young stepford in training: squeaky clean, simple living, no vices, hasn’t OD’ed, hasn’t brought shame to the family… you know, someone who isn’t… ME! You get the picture.
And then there’s the whole "I realized I’m not happy" bollocks I’ve been feeling lately.
I know there are far too many people with situations worse than mine and I shouldn’t be an ingrateful little whingeing queen. I mean, compared to others, I think I have it going. I get what I want most of the time. Maybe not the crocodile birkin bag or the Chanel jacket of my dreams but really, snap snap reality and all things considered, I **DO** get whatever I want. Everything is icing on the cake and I’m blessed in many ways.
But am I happy? Well, I thought I was happy.
Afterall, I’m questioning myself and spend all this time searching for something else…
I had a little argument with a bunch of guys because they keep on telling me all I need to do is to bite the bullet, move out and start from scratch. It all sounds soo easy and effortless to say but it’s not fucking easy.
Is that what I want? Well, essentially, yes. But I don’t want to be cut off or disowned by the good ol’ familia de horreur. Besides, a little bit of help and support is always appreciated.
One guy kept on telling me that the only way to full independence is to just stand on your own feet with absolutely no help from anyone. And then he went on and on about other things about "needs" and "wants".
"I think Bryanboy you need to re-assess what you ‘need’ in life. What you require and what you desire are two very different things, and you need to learn to differentiate between the two. Get off your arse out into the real world (third or otherwise). I’m sorry, but I’m struggling to have any pity for you really when I have to work my arse off day-in day-out to get what I need, let alone want."
Here’s what I told him:
I’m not asking for pity. And for the life of god, I don’t want to hear about this bollocking ‘real world’ crap. Please don’t drag me to YOUR concept of ‘real world’. Not everyone in this planet will settle for something miserable.
Here’s how I look at it. There are people who are satisfied with being fourth best, people who are contented with third best, people who are happy with being second best, and then you have people with ambition and a clear sense of what they want – they’re just looking for the right direction to get it.
Throughout out discussion, the faggots keep on stressing out how it’s always a damn struggle to be on your own. I mean, I’m not naive thinking everything is gonna sail smoothly when I get my ass out there and stand on my own two feet. I acknowledge the fact that I’m gonna have to make sacrifices left and right if I want to make it on my own, my life will NEVER be the same and I will have to say goodbye to whatever it is that I’ve accustomed to.
Why is it soo wrong to want a smooth ride? I’m sure it’s not as hellish as what people make it appear to be, don’t you agree? It can’t possibly be a constant struggle. I mean, if you’re struggling your entire life then surely you must be doing something wrong… or you settled for something less. Am I right? Or am I really being naive?
I guess the $64 million question is… HOW?
How do people do it?
How can one just pack their bags and start a new life?
How do they survive?
How do you go from point A to point B?
How can one be *FULLY* independent?
How can one find true happiness?
Here’s what I want. I’ll give you a kiss on the cheek and an oreo cookie if you can help me.
1) I want a new life.
2) I don’t want to be stuck in the same old "same old".
3) I want my own place 500,000 miles away from people who spend most of their time putting me down, telling me I can’t do it, etc.
4) I want full independence.
5) I want to be able to do things that I want without getting a weird feeling of guilt at the back of my head.
6) I want to be able to do things with absolutely no regard on other people’s expectations
7) I want to be able to sleep at night knowing I accomplished something big.
8) I want to feel "fulfilled".
9) I want to find true happiness.
Oh I don’t know what to think anymore. Here I am again with my verbal diarrhea. I don’t even know if I’m making any sense. I think I need to visit my shrink.
On second thought, don’t you think it’s a great idea if I move out and start a new life somewhere in, oh, I don’t know, bumfuck Idaho and then make a TV show out of it?
I’ve been getting a lot of emails with positive things so here’s a couple more pics from the other day.
Yes, I know I look like I got a pair of tits.
No, they’re not boob implants. YUCK! Remember what I told you? Big boobs are for mothers or hookers. I’m neither one of them.
It all boils down to one thing: I AM FUCKING OBESE!
I’ve said this many, many, many times. I am fat. Back in my hey day Kate Bosworth and her clavicles are NOTHING compared to mine. My entire torso looked like a fucking harp!
These days I’ve got mantits. It’s disgusting!
I miss my clavicles and my ribs. I really do.
Oh. You. Look. So. Beeeeyooooootifullllllllllll tonight… in the cityyyyyyyyy of blinding lights.
Email me and tell me you love me. My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org or SMS +63.915.785.1492. I’m gonna be online for a couple more hours cause I’m finishing the special website for my contest :P
I love you all!