Blame it on the weather.

Written By bryanboy

Blame it on the weather.

[Bryanboy’s note: I recommend that you download this track and listen to it while you’re reading this blog entry. We all love a bit of drama and everyone knows good drama requires good sound effects. Now sing after me: I can’t sleep. I can’t speak to you. I can’t sleep.]

It’s raining bullets here in the third world, my flu’s gone but I still have a cold. I’m telling you, it’s been a slow recovery. I’ll be fine though. I know I will.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days and I have this funny feeling at the back of my head telling me I should pack my bags, run away, hop on a plane, move somewhere and start a new life from scratch, erasing all traces of the old/current "me".

I think it has something to do with my search for independence, personal fulfillment and happiness.

I’ve been assessing the current state of my life and it kinda got me depressed. Here I am, at __ years old (like I’m gonna fucking tell you) and I haven’t really accomplished anything. Watching TV makes me even sadder because I’m jealous of all these people from small little towns moving to big cities to fulfill their dreams and making it big — on their own two feet. Case in point: that Daniel Vosovic guy from Project Runway. It’s amazing how he went from bumfuck, middle of nowhere fucking America and then he went to New York City with hopes to fulfill his dreams of becoming a designer. And then there’s Donna Jensen from Silver Springs, Nevada (Gwyneth Paltrow/View from the Top) who moved to NYC to fulfill her dream of becoming a Paris, First Class, International stewardess.

I love small town girl moves to the big city stories. I don’t know why I always get a good feeling inside… a feeling that says "that is me and that could be me one day".  Maybe it’s because of the fact that I’m a small town girl myself. I mean, fine, I was born, raised and live in a city of 14 million people but let’s face it, Manila isn’t exactly the city where dreams are made and fulfilled. We’re the cesspit of the third world for god’s sake.

A few months ago, my mom threatened suicide when I brought up the topic of getting my own apartment. I let it pass for a bit and when I brought the subject up the other day and she stold me I can move out but she’s gonna cut me off completely. The only one who showed signs of support is my dad who at one point said "you can do whatever it is that you want, it’s your life" but hearing those words made me feel guilty. I love the parentals. I really do, but I don’t want to be the unfortunate child who ends up spending his entire life living in their parents’ cage until the day they die. What really pisses me off is the fact that one of my younger sisters is free… she already got her own place and she’s flying with high colors. They let her move out earlier this year cause she’s little miss young stepford in training: squeaky clean, simple living, no vices, hasn’t OD’ed, hasn’t brought shame to the family… you know, someone who isn’t… ME! You get the picture.

And then there’s the whole "I realized I’m not happy" bollocks I’ve been feeling lately.

I know there are far too many people with situations worse than mine and I shouldn’t be an ingrateful little whingeing queen. I mean, compared to others, I think I have it going. I get what I want most of the time. Maybe not the crocodile birkin bag or the Chanel jacket of my dreams but really, snap snap reality and all things considered, I **DO** get whatever I want. Everything is icing on the cake and I’m blessed in many ways.

But am I happy? Well, I thought I was happy.

Maybe not.

Afterall, I’m questioning myself and spend all this time searching for something else…

I had a little argument with a bunch of guys because they keep on telling me all I need to do is to bite the bullet, move out and start from scratch. It all sounds soo easy and effortless to say but it’s not fucking easy.

Is that what I want? Well, essentially, yes. But I don’t want to be cut off or disowned by the good ol’ familia de horreur. Besides, a little bit of help and support is always appreciated.

One guy kept on telling me that the only way to full independence is to just stand on your own feet with absolutely no help from anyone. And then he went on and on about other things about "needs" and "wants".

"I think Bryanboy you need to re-assess what you ‘need’ in life. What you require and what you desire are two very different things, and you need to learn to differentiate between the two. Get off your arse out into the real world (third or otherwise). I’m sorry, but I’m struggling to have any pity for you really when I have to work my arse off day-in day-out to get what I need, let alone want."

Here’s what I told him:

I’m not asking for pity. And for the life of god, I don’t want to hear about this bollocking ‘real world’ crap. Please don’t drag me to YOUR concept of ‘real world’. Not everyone in this planet will settle for something miserable.

Here’s how I look at it. There are people who are satisfied with being fourth best, people who are contented with third best, people who are happy with being second best, and then you have people with ambition and a clear sense of what they want – they’re just looking for the right direction to get it.

Throughout out discussion, the faggots keep on stressing out how it’s always a damn struggle to be on your own. I mean, I’m not naive thinking everything is gonna sail smoothly when I get my ass out there and stand on my own two feet. I acknowledge the fact that I’m gonna have to make sacrifices left and right if I want to make it on my own, my life will NEVER be the same and I will have to say goodbye to whatever it is that I’ve accustomed to.

Why is it soo wrong to want a smooth ride? I’m sure it’s not as hellish as what people make it appear to be, don’t you agree? It can’t possibly be a constant struggle. I mean, if you’re struggling your entire life then surely you must be doing something wrong… or you settled for something less. Am I right? Or am I really being naive?

I guess the $64 million question is… HOW?

How do people do it?

How can one just pack their bags and start a new life?

How do they survive?

How do you go from point A to point B?

How can one be *FULLY* independent?

How can one find true happiness?

Here’s what I want. I’ll give you a kiss on the cheek and an oreo cookie if you can help me.

1) I want a new life.
2) I don’t want to be stuck in the same old "same old".
3) I want my own place 500,000 miles away from people who spend most of their time putting me down, telling me I can’t do it, etc.
4) I want full independence.
5) I want to be able to do things that I want without getting a weird feeling of guilt at the back of my head.
6) I want to be able to do things with absolutely no regard on other people’s expectations
7) I want to be able to sleep at night knowing I accomplished something big.
8) I want to feel "fulfilled".
9) I want to find true happiness.

Oh I don’t know what to think anymore. Here I am again with my verbal diarrhea. I don’t even know if I’m making any sense. I think I need to visit my shrink. 

On second thought, don’t you think it’s a great idea if I move out and start a new life somewhere in, oh, I don’t know, bumfuck Idaho and then make a TV show out of it?


Pictionary Galore

I’ve been getting a lot of emails with positive things so here’s a couple more pics from the other day.

Yes, I know I look like I got a pair of tits.

No, they’re not boob implants. YUCK! Remember what I told you? Big boobs are for mothers or hookers. I’m neither one of them.

It all boils down to one thing: I AM FUCKING OBESE!

I’ve said this many, many, many times. I am fat. Back in my hey day Kate Bosworth and her clavicles are NOTHING compared to mine. My entire torso looked like a fucking harp!

These days I’ve got mantits. It’s disgusting!

I miss my clavicles and my ribs. I really do.

Oh. You. Look. So. Beeeeyooooootifullllllllllll tonight… in the cityyyyyyyyy of blinding lights.

Email me and tell me you love me. My email address is or SMS +63.915.785.1492. I’m gonna be online for a couple more hours cause I’m finishing the special website for my contest :P

I love you all!


  1. hey sweetie!
    wow, great blog, you totally poured your feelings on this one. I hope you find what you’re looking whether at home or somewhere else. Sometimes you just have do things without thinking too much about it. You’ll never know what you’re missing (or not) if you never try it.

  2. i did the whole start a new life thing. On a whim I moved from A to B via a Brtiitsh Airways Business class. I did survive for a year, but in the end I missed the trappings of my parents life.
    I believe that Firstclass is hard to give up if youve never travelled cattle class. If like I you live for the better things in life be carefull about rushing into moving, beacuse paying for it yourself is a lot harder than you think

  3. the nach

    aww bryanboy.. it’s not like you to wax sentimental.. well.. let me give you my .02.. moving out has been SO hard. i miss my mom buying me stuff, i miss not having to pay my bills, i miss not ever thinking knowing the value of money. but in the long run, moving out has taught me a whole lot of stuff. i never really knew myself before, i think that now, i can truly say i’m my own person. so you see.. it’s really a big step for you.. but you’re BRYANBOY! :D even i could picture how f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s your own place would be! ;) when u know truly you’re ready, you’ll see how easy it would be! ~toodleloo~

  4. hey bryan dolli!
    I know i comment a load of parana a lot of the time.. bladi fricken bla bla..
    But I just wanted to maybe give you a suggestion,, a career path,
    Maybe this is sooooooo not you,
    But have you ever thought about being a fligh attendant? I think you could.
    you got the looks, the personality,
    and best of all.. the first class section has all the rich guys looking for twatty prettyliciuz girlies like you!
    maybe even get into the piolets pants?
    millions b-boy! millions!
    Or.. maybe even a might in paris with someone who wants to spoil you because you were nice when you served a sexy glass of wine to them?
    You need glamour, you have it, you need class, you got that, you need your self and thats it.
    new path.
    and most of all..
    do you know they only work 10 days a fucken month! isnt that delightful!!! 10 days!
    the rest of the days you could globally park yoru ass anywhere you want!
    paris, bangkok, tokyo, dubai, any fricken where you want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    shopping,,,,,, food…..
    I heard a story about a gay guy who made it big on the airlines, he’s so rich now after he met someone who was that deeply attracted to him that they wanted to take him back to their own country.
    gooooooo bryan!!!!!!!
    fly, bitch, get rich!
    its you
    dakota oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

  5. Paying the rent

    No one should move out of their parents’ home before 30. So that leaves you two more years. Save some money first. Make sure you don’t have to rent anything, that’s just sad. You are obviously an unknowing baby who really couldn’t survive in the real world for a month.
    By the way, you should buy your clothes in a bigger size. Your jeans looks like it’s about to burst open. The reality of your new body obviously hasn’t sunk in yet either (let alone the cost and hassle of living alone)

  6. the only thing i can say is, JUST FUCKING DO IT!
    because that’s what i did!
    it’s not smooth sailing but i’m glad i did it!

  7. move to alabama we have a louis vuitton and dior!
    it could be like that movie sweet home alabama with reese witherspoon.

  8. Do it. After all, if you fail, you can always move back to your parents. Either way, you will be living the life you will eventually want.

  9. That fucking movie A View from the Top is still stuck in my head after all these years. I guess im a sucker with this kind of movies, those small nobody makes it to the top! Grrr…But that Donna Jensen character is what i wanna be in the near future. Go out in the world and wake up in different cities hahahaha. Id kill someone to get the job of a flight attendant hahahaha i dont care if ill be serving those grumpy old people, celebrity, matrons, rich and powerful and the elites in their suits in first class coz the best thing is to wake up in Paris the foloowing day!!!!!! Babooossshhhh…..Hey BB why not apply for an FA?????

  10. FAB kelly

    count your blessings!Be thankful for what you have so what if you live with your parents?You have a comfortable life which a lot of people don’t have that’s why a lot of people get out on their own to stand on their own feet and work to survive.It’s all about timing.Some people are being independent early some are not..Don’t worry I’m 24 and living a life like a teenager and i don’t feel sorry!
    about true happiness????
    O love you gorgeous!

  11. Two years ago, I decided to leave a place where I was miserable. My parent’s cut me off. In turn, I sat down, got an apartment in NYC, and started working 3 jobs. 2 years later, I’m graduating from college and looking to continue my education. I’m beginning to talk to my parents again, and understand why they did what they did.
    It was rough, and I spent a good 4-5 months crying about it and about how life sucked and how dumb I was, and then I eventually realized- eh. I’ll survive. So I can’t buy those nice jeans, or that pretty bag, or go on vacation, but I can still windowshop, and my old clothes are still classy enough that I can pull off walking into Bergdorf Goodmans and trying on pretty things.
    Anyways, what I’m saying is, you’re in the process of setting up a business. take the profits from that, and SAVE them. Think of it as your “I’m getting out of here” stash. DONT TOUCH IT!!!! open up a bank account in a bank in an inconveient location so you aren’t tempted; then, if the business holds steady, you have a nice little pile to start your new life with. Then get an apartment, and move in, but visit home often. Ideally, everyone should be happy. Just make sure you’re not the last sibling left at home, otherwise you’ll never get out.

  12. Okay, first thing’s first. Make sure you have lots of savings intended for the rainy season if you are planning to move out from your parents. I guess you have enough already to keep you holding on for a year. And within that year, make sure you can come up with something that can generate you enough dough to support yourself. And the last thing you would want to happen is to go back to your family accepting the fact that you can’t live on your own.
    Some people have decided to live on their own since they couldn’t stand another day seeing their parents around. Blabbering and all.
    Sacrifices will always be there and as soon as you will realize that you can give up some of those extra fabulous stuff that you’re accustomed to… pack those bags and get your own place.
    I’m sure you can do it.

  13. Cheer Up BryanBoy :)
    No matter wat u do, Always support u !!
    Big Big HUGS !!!!!

  14. hey puta narizona go away and move your stinky arse put of your parents house if u have it bad u can always get some crack
    kisses puss och kram i fittan

  15. First of all, I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of when you’re at the age that you are and are still living with your parents. I think the “western” view of independence where all the kids are out and on their own by the time they turn majority age is excessively glorified and distorted. I think there’s nothing wrong with placing family first; with interdependence between you and your family. Independence is a good trait that one will want to develop yes, but complete and total independence may not actually be feasible. No man is an island. Please don’t feel low about your situation and buy into the idea that the day you gain total independence, by yourself, starting “anew”, is going to be the day you will feel whole and find meaning in life. Living a meaningful life does not necessitate that one moves out and away from the family and are totally on one’s own. Please don’t be misled into this notion just because it’s popular.
    If you do want to move out and feel independent without old strings attached that you feel are holding you down, the first thing is being able to be financially independent. Your family will likely not support you if you choose to move out; your maids and servants will not move with you. You will be on your own, trying to obtain basic necessities of living. Without the funds to pay the bills, things just aren’t going to happen. Because you’re so used to the lifestyle, after the initial high, “yay I’m truly indepedent now!”, the feeling will probably wear off as you’re bombarded with many practical difficulties, and you will probably want to return home. I don’t think you’ll regret the experience, I’m just saying you will miss everything the way it used to be or the way it is now.
    I think it’s normal for everyone to want to search for their own self, but you must be aware that many things we see in movies, hear in the news, of people making it big are one in a million so to speak. And I do feel that sometimes your views of the world are distorted because of the comfortable lifestyle you’ve always had. I think it’s wisest to start small and go from there, instead of a grand dream of something that’s likely to disappoint.

  16. Oh this is truely my favorite blog moment!!!
    Fabulous! Fantastique!!!
    I can soooo relate to You!… I’m kinda in the same boat as You.. It’s shitty like hell, I know. Just take one step at the time, believe in yourself, and don’t let ANYONE, I’m telling you ANYONE tell you, you can do this and you cant do that. Just fuck those people off!!! The life is like a big huge Chanel runway, just own it, and work it like no other whore in this world! hahahaha…
    Take care babe,

  17. Thanks for sharing, Bryan, I think you’re finally coming to the stage where you realise that it’s time to find something or somebody to make you feel happy, complete, and accomplished. Maybe go to school, get a career…or step it up and make your blog highly profitable…

  18. Bryan, you know the answer to your own question. Just think of it as taking up jogging. The hardest part is putting on your trainers. Everything after that IS smooth sailing in comparison. You just need to decide what it is you want to do and take that first step. After you set your plan in motion, all you have to do is follow it!

  19. Hey Bryan,
    You should totally do it! But guess what? You don’t have to struggle like the rest of us! You should parlay your blog into an American reality show. Trust me, Hollywood would love it. After all, I’m on the other side of the world (Houston, TX, US) and I and many other people I know, know about you. You have people sending you messages and pics from all over the world. You are an international blog star…flip the script and become something huge. I don’t know about other countries in the world, but Americans love fabuolous people and crazy reality shows (google Flavor of Love or Queer Eye for the Straight Guy) and I’m sure we’d love you also.
    On the other hand, you can always just move out your parent’s house and live a regular life at a regular job being bored to death like me.
    Luv ya, Bryan Boy!

  20. i would love to see bryan boy in the streets of tondo wearing his flashy and fabulous stuff.
    i admire you bryan! so sexy!

  21. Boo for me….I’m back at work from the shortest leave ever! Dammit. Anyhow let’s indulge in retail therapy, gluttony and an intellectual chat over crab Parentals are still around but I’ll text you when I’m free.

  22. Nina d' Lizard

    I love that “sleep” music, so apt. Who’s the artist you chose? Perfection Bryanboy!

  23. been there, been that, bryanboy. one USEFUL tip (at least for me) – it’s easier to move out if you move to another country. trust me on this. you need a clean break. a strong statement that you’re cutting the umbilical. of course, they’ll squawk and throw a fit. threaten suicide or a nervous breakdown. but, you can’t be codependent that way, sweetie. it’s not healthy. quit being a big fish in this lilliputian pond of ours. and even if you don’t do a daniel, there’s nothing like LIVING in a different country to make you grow up pronto. expand your mind, that kinda thing. we love the RP, fine fine. but i recognize the antsiness that you have in you. and i say, move out. of the country. be a citizen of the world chenes. forget a little condo in makati. or even a big condo. go further out. see ya around…

  24. Moving out. I’m doing the exact same thing in about a month. I’m doing it for love.
    I need to know how it feels like to live on my own. I love myself, but I’m too sheltered to understand my personal value. I AM going to go back home, maybe in a year or two. I will do so for personal reasons as well, but I need to find out what’s in store for me should I prefer to live on my own.
    No maids. Clean up your own mess. Wash your own clothes. Cook your own food. Wash your plates.
    I’m telling you, self sufficiency has never been so, I dunno, cleansing?
    Good luck.

  25. “It can’t possibly be a constant struggle. I mean, if you’re struggling your entire life then surely you must be doing something wrong… or you settled for something less. Am I right? Or am I really being naive?”
    My darling, naive, butterfly. You are cocooned. Therefore, you only know the universe of the cocoon. You do, indeed, know how how the caged bird sings, no? You have not opened your wings to the warmth of the sun… nor to the dangers of the world and independent maturity. “Life” itself has escaped you.
    Play “I cant’s sleep” now and read.
    Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
    and remember what peace there may be in silence.
    As far as possible without surrender
    be on good terms with all persons.
    Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
    and listen to others,
    even the dull and the ignorant;
    they too have their story.
    Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
    they are vexations to the spirit.
    If you compare yourself with others,
    you may become vain and bitter;
    for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
    Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
    Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
    Exercise caution in your business affairs;
    for the world is full of trickery.
    But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
    Be yourself.
    Especially, do not feign affection.
    Neither be cynical about love;
    for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
    it is as perennial as the grass.
    Take kindly the counsel of the years,
    gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
    But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
    Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
    Beyond a wholesome discipline,
    be gentle with yourself.
    You are a child of the universe,
    no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here.
    And whether or not it is clear to you,
    no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
    Therefore be at peace with God,
    whatever you conceive Him to be,
    and whatever your labors and aspirations,
    in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
    it is still a beautiful world.
    Be cheerful.
    Strive to be happy.
    Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

  26. hey hey.
    i think you should go on holiday but not for shopping and lots of hot man sex. You need to travel to places for an extended time and get to know people in the area, find out what job prospects you’ve got there. I think Sydney, Australia could work well for you…but that’s only because I’m from there and i have an idea about the scene. That’s if you want to move somewhere completely different. You’ve got a good thing going on at the moment. I find that it’s more about your mindset, if you change the way you think about your life then you’ll be comfortable with who you are and what you are.
    (move out of home at least)

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