Bryanboy needs a
slave CaCee Cobb
I’m sooo overwhelmed with projects I need a Cacee Cobb in my life!
You see, my Mexican buddy Mauricio L. is my personal Rachel Zoe, CaCee Cobb, Leslie Sloane-Zelnick (aka Spinderella) and Elliot Mintz all rolled into one. He’s been extremely supportive over the past 2 years that I’ve known him. He’s always on my beck and call at times of need. For instance, when I tell him I’m fat on one of my never ending self-pity tirades, he’ll immediately recommend that I stick 3 fingers down my throat and get into cocaine abuse ASAP.
Mauricio is a godsend but I need someone local. Someone who’s willing to buy my iced cafe lattes at Starbucks or my large vanilla ice blended at Coffee Bean & Tea faster than Eunice can. I’m kidding.
I think it’s time for me to get a real assistant. I have a virtual assistant who works for me and we’re both swamped with projects outside my little Bryanboy.com stint. I have a day job too — prostitution is no laughing matter. I have sooo many customers I need to service on a daily basis and it’s sooo hard being a human sperm bank.
Do you want to be my personal CaCee Cobb? More information after the jump…
What I’m Looking For
1. Someone who is at least 18 years old and live in Manila, Philippines. I’m not into child labour so forget about it if you are a minor. Please apply if you live in Las Pinas, Muntinlupa, Paranaque or Makati areas.
2. Someone who is internet savvy. You must have your own PC/computer/laptop (with Microsoft Office), high-speed internet access (THIS MEANS NO DIALUP) at home. You also know your way around Microsoft Word, Excel and Powerpoint. I have ZERO TOLERANCE for apple/mac/ibook users.
3. Someone with basic HTML/FTP/web design knowledge and graphic design skills. If I want a web designer then I’ll get a web designer. If I want a graphic designer then I’ll get one of them. You don’t have to be an expert… all I need from you is basic skills. If you know how to create gif or jpg files, crop, resize and upload photos to an FTP server, know how to modify HTML code then you’re the perfect candidate. I have to admit that people who know how to photoshop and can unleash the emaciated little girl trapped underneath my layers of fat will be given top priority. I’m joking.
4. Your English skills are better than mine. Oral and written please. The entire world knows how crap my English is and frankly, I’m too stubborn to do something about it. Besides, I don’t give a rat’s ass anyway. I know my Anglaise is better than than most of the Francaise so fuck it. I don’t care if you pronounce TOMATO like "toe-may-toe" or "toh-mah-toe" as long as you know what a TOMATO is. I also need someone to write shit on my behalf, this way I can spend all my time smoking crystal meth, watching gay porn or raiding the kitchen larder.
5. You’re updated with the latest random cheesemax. You must have some form of interest with fashion (ok… maybe a LOT of interest with fashion) and a healthy obsession with celebs, royalty and models. Eating disorders optional.
This is YOU
1. You are a fast learner. I hate being
repetive repititive repechuchutive repetitive. My dad once told me many, many years ago, back when I started one of my businesses, that I should be extremely patient and be considerate of other people’s learning curves in order for my staff to do their job properly. Whatever, right?
2. You are not afraid to speak. I have ZERO TOLERANCE to people who can’t speak up (or tell me) if there’s something wrong. There are many two-faced patronizing bitches out there. You think everything is ok and alright or fine and dandy but little you know that you’re a bomb waiting to blast. Speak up if there’s something wrong. Whine and whinge if you must.
3. You are capable of thinking outside the box. You must have a willingness or openness to do different things or do things differently. It’s good when you have someone just do things as you say but it’s great to have people who are always on the lookout for ways to do things better.
4. You know the fine line between work and play. It’s nice to slut around from time to time but when the time requires you to work, it’s nice to put the professionalism cloak on.
This is What YOU are Going to Do
1. Update some of my websites, particularly my neglected child InsideMyBag.com amongst others.
2. Research, research, research
3. Prepare and write newsletters, letters, proposals and/or proofread articles that I made, etc.
4. Deal with some of my advertisers.
5. Run the ocassional errand on my behalf. Go to my office to pick up my mail, buy something for me, deal with some of my suppliers, vendors and clients, follow-up on leads, etc.
6. Attend meetings with me from time to time
7. Whore me and my website online
8. Last but not the least, find me a gorgeous, wealthy sugar daddy under the age of 35 who gives great sex and will buy me a purple, black or dove gray crocodile Birkin bag afterwards.
This is What You’ll Get From Me
1. First-hand knowledge what it’s like to be an internet slut. I’m kidding.
2. First-hand knowledge what it’s like to be hated by a shitload of people. I’m serious on this one.
3. I’ll wine and dine you if we’re together. Two fat people are better than one.
4. Learn A SHITLOAD of new skills… you can even learn how to make money online!
5. You’ll get to meet my ever reliable stinky driver with B.O., Mang Vic, and Eunice, the best lesbian helper in the entire world who’s got a crush on Piolo Pascual even though she knows he’s gayer than a row of pink tents. If required, you’ll have their services at your disposal.
6. Maybe you’ll even get to tag along on one of my PR/shameless self-promotion trips, like Singapore.
7. An expense account! Hahahaha! You read that right. Ok, it’s nothing excessive but I’ll reimburse you for your costs, think representation expenses. LOL Hahaha!
8. 20% of whatever you make for me. When you make money for me, you’re making money for yourself, too!
The Next Step
Do you think both you and I can work together? For the most part, half of the tasks that needs to be done can be accomplished at the comforts of your own home. We’ll talk every day on MSN instant messenger. I figured I’ll probably need 30 hours of ‘work time’ per week to BEGIN with.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your resume, photo and how much you’ll charge me on a weekly basis. Put "Project CaCee" on the subject line.
Keep in mind that this is the third world and I’m an advocate for cheap labour. Haha!
Don’t call or SMS me with your questions. I’ll only answer inquiries via email. You need to read everything I wrote on this blog entry and follow the instructions. I won’t tolerate anyone who can’t follow simple instructions or anyone who doesn’t meet what I’m looking for.
I’ll try to answer to as many inquiries as possible but please don’t take offense if you do not hear from me. *sorry* =)
With all that being said, it’s gonna be FUN, FUN, FUN!
We can go shopping together, get drunk together, get fat together, work together, etc!
Note: for legal and accounting reasons, you are going to be my "independent contractor" and not an employee. You are gonna be responsible for your own taxes, healthcare, insurance, etc.
Email email@example.com as always.
I need my own CaCee Cobb god dammit!!!!!!!!
BTW, if you don’t know who CaCee Cobb is then don’t bother applying. Hahaha! *wink*
Please feel free to tell people to go to this blog entry if you know someone fit for the job!