If These Walls Could Talk!

I would like to say "thanks" to the Pied Piper of Manila, Carlos Celdran (and his fabulous & highly-recommended walking tours) for NOT BEING AVAILABLE on a bloody Thursday. Carlos!!!!!!! I hope you’re listening to me reading this… it’s about time that you clone yourself! I was gonna send a fellow blogger over to you but you don’t have any weekday tours available. Thanks to you, I lost soo much weight from an hour’s worth of walking. I burned so many calories I think I might have reached my exercise quota for the entire year!

I went to Intramuros and Fort Santiago yesterday afternoon with Gareth and my younger sister.

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I got up at 10:30AM yesterday after my little KFC extravanganza. I wanted Gareth to see one of Manila’s top tourist attractions (other than myself, of course) so I picked him up at around 2:30PM.

It took us almost an hour to get there from his hotel because of the awful traffic… let me tell you though, it was ABSOLUTELY worth it. I haven’t been here since I was a child and trust me, that was several centuries ago. We only had an hour to spare because my driver had to be back by 5PM.

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Try a different pose…

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Poifect! Next…

The first thing person that greeted us is this adorable pot-bellied "navy" person who is moonlighting as a tour guide. I don’t think he’s really in the navy… he probably borrowed his uniform from someone. Afterall, faux tourists such as myself love to cam whore with men in uniform.


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Funny how he he was the one who actually ASKED me to take a photo of him and MY sister.

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Our tickets cost about 80 cents each and then I paid US$20 for a 30-35 minute tour (all 3 of us) which includes a ride on the horse-drawn carriage. Not too bad, I guess.

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We did a lot of walking… an AWFUL lot of walking… and I did a lot of posing.

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I could barely understand our guide. I thought he sounded like a gay parrot reading a script, he spoke a quite fast (I don’t blame him, we only got 30 minutes) and the only thing I remembered from all the crap that he said was the phrase "the Filipino touch". He must have used it at LEAST a bajillion times. The Filipino touch. The Filipino touch. The Filipino touch. Touch. Filipino. Filipino. Touch. The Filipino touch. Hahahahahha soooo gay!

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I have absolutely no idea what this is but it looks like you can catch tetanus if you get a tad closer.

OMG speaking of gay, I should’ve recorded the way he said "okay". OAK-HAAAAAAAYYYYYY. So GGGGG-HAYYYYYYYYYY.

Shit, I’m so mean. I’m going to hell after this.


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He’s a very nice man though. He accomodated most of our requests, i.e. a stop here and there to take photos, stay a little longer at the little museum like place where there’s airconditioning, etc. 

We also took a photo of our national hero, Dr. Jose Rizal, who once said "the youth is the hope of our future." Hell yeah he’s right. As soon as the "youth" gets old, they’re pretty much rendered useless. At this day and age, it’s the OLD ones who are creating far too many problems in the society. Hah!

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Look at his statue for instance. He appears to be holding a book. I, on the other hand, I’m holding my "Luxury by Chanel" Chanel bowling bag in black lambskin leather. Apparently it’s sold out in Paris, according to someone who left a comment on my blog not too long ago. It’s Mischa’s and Rachel Bilson’s favourite bag. I don’t blame them. It’s a nice little bag. Sooo lightweight and soft.

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Oh dear. I might as well enjoy it while it lasts cause I am sooo gonna commit suicide as soon as I get liver spots.


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Lookie lookie… we even have the same footsize… those are his last footsteps before he got executed.

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I know what you’re thinking… I’m fuckin 17 years old and I still don’t know how to tie my shoelaces properly.

I love our national hero. If it wasn’t for people like him, third world sluts such as myself won’t exist. I won’t be able to have (and enjoy) the FREEDOM that we have right now. I think people should stop what they’re doing from time to time and reflect on all the good and heroic deeds that people of the bygone years did for our nations. It’s amazing how they truly made a difference for humanity (in their own little, medium and large-sized ways) for all the future generations to come.

I hope I’ll do the same with my faggotry. Hah! So keep the flames and faggotry alive ya fuckin maggots.

Anyhoo… I looooove how the street signs look back in the dark ages. Sooo chic.

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Our street signs today are shitty and crap. There’s no consistency whatsoever and they all look hideous, ugly and different from one another. In fact, you’d be lucky if you find a street sign. People steal them and sell them as scrap metal. It’s sad.

Here are some other photos that I have taken…

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Now this is interesting… it’s the roof of whatever and people from around the world write messages and such.

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Especially those Koreans… I know it’s Korean because it looks Korean. If you’re Korean (or if you know someone who IS Korean), please tell us what’s written on that thing.

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I look like I’m about to shit my pants. Hahahahahahahahahah!

I really wish we had lots of time to spare. One hour is definitely not enough and time flies fast when you’re in a hurry. I hope Gareth/ShaolinTiger learned something one way or another and I hope he doesn’t think I’m a bad host.

If anything, I’m the one who learned a lot about this little trip. I needed that quick jolt of history to reinforce my nationalistic pride.

I’m definitely gonna come back. Soon. I’ll wear some of my finest garb and I’ll do a proper photo shoot next time. Hahaha.

Today’s Obligatory Paparazzi Shot

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After visiting Intramuros and Fort Santiago, I dropped Gareth off at the Ayala Museum where my favourite cafe (M Cafe) holds fort. We decided it’s best for us to leave him there and he can just get a cab. I wrote directions down on a piece of cardboard so that he can show it to the cab driver on his way back.

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I added a little line that said something like "HOY HUWAG KO AKO LOKOHIN. HAHAHAHA!" which meant "Look, don’t fool around with scam me. Hahahaha!" Those cab drivers are a pest cause they scam tourists too often.

BTW, I really don’t know how you people can do it. Walk, that is, in such horrendous temperatures, without breaking a sweat. Maybe I’m just a sweaty betty. Anyway, I really despise walking – click here to read how I bitched at my sibling for making me walk.

060906_popemobileI swear to god I’m gonna invest on a fucking wheelchair in the future… so the next time people visit me and I have to tour them around, they can repay the favor (and my efforts) by pushing my own, portable 4-wheeler. I’m 120% sure that I can fulfill my duties as a hostess in conditions that require MINIMAL (OR NO) MUSCLE MOVEMENT on my part. Unless I get a wheelchair, I will forever remain the antithesis of good ol Filipino hospitality with my constant whingeing and whining.

Screw it. I don’t want a wheelchair. I want a POPEMOBILE!!!!!!! An airconditioned popemobile, that is.

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Wondering where I go to for travel deals? I love the folks at Booking Buddy! They have this once a week newsletter that they send out (NO SPAM, PROMISE!) with a shitload of travel deals. Check it out. You can always unsubscribe anytime. At one point they even had a US$148 special from New York City to Vegas!
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Mabuhay ang Pilipinas. Long live the fucking Philippines.

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I love you all. Email bryan@bryanboy.com AND bryanboy@gmail.com (BECAUSE MY DAMN SERVER IS FUCKING UP ON ME AGAIN) or SMS +63.915.785.1492.

I want more "I LOVE BRYANBOY" photos god dammit!

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