I Wear My Sunglasses At Night

*sings*

Even though the guys are crazy, even though the stars are blind, if you show me real love baby, I’ll show you miiiiiiine. I can make it nice and naughty, meet the devil and angel too, gotta heart, soul and body, let’s see what this love can doooooo… maybe I’m perfect for youuuuuuu!

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(Shirt by Kenneth Cole, sunglasses by Dior, jeans by Acne Jeans (Sweden), bracelets from Christian Dior and Hermès, belt from Hermès, shoes from Chanel, bag from Mulberry)

It’s been 2 days and I still have that stupid song on autorepeat. Ugh!

I went out yesterday night… the first time I went out on a Wednesday in the lonnnngesssst time.

One of my friends, Gareth, the English guy behind one of Malaysia’s top blogs (www.shaolintiger.com) is here in Manila on business. It’s been a year since he last went here and we thought it would be nice to meet up once again and give him a little taste of third world debauchery. He’s a really nice and friendly guy and I hope he had fun in spite of my awful (or should I say non-existent) hosting skills.

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Our night started early. It’s funny how I invited him for dinner at 7 (my fave Italian restaurant in Manila, L’Opera) but being the perennial late cunt that I am, I got to his hotel at around 8:30PM. I felt terrible and rude for being late. I guess it’s a very Filipino trait to be late… but hey, when in Rome do what the Romans do and let them eat cake. I’m kidding. I literally had NOTHING to wear!!! It took me hours just to get dressed. I had to go through some of my old (yet unused) clothes. I found a striped shirt from Kenneth Cole (don’t ask) that I bought a few months ago.

I also invited 2 other friends to join us. One couldn’t make it. I think it has something to do with the weather. It wasn’t particularly raining yesterday (unlike last weekend when I wore white and still looked smashing) but you can tell that summer, at least in this part of the planet, is definitely over and the wind is blowing towards a different direction.

Anyway, I ate sooo much it wasn’t funny at all. I could barely breathe with all the food I ate. I had my usual salmon followed by good ol’ spaghetti. The three of us (Gareth, moi and a friend) skipped dessert.

Après dinner we went to Cuisine at La Embajada for cocktails.

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Cuisine was absolutely surreal. The place was packed with a shitload of young people. I’ve never felt sooo old in my life and to think, I’m only 17! Last night was daycare central… we couldn’t help but wonder where the adults, grown-ups and all the old fixtures had gone.

I had so much fun though. My nonsexual wife, Hannah (who I swapped spit and had a lesbian lip-locking session at the end of the night for the umpteenth time), and all her lesbian orgy lovers, designer purses and all, were there.

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It’s absolutely hilarious how I met one of Hannah’s best buds, Janthina, for the first time.

Me: (pointing to some random skank whose back and bag was facing me) "Hannah, look at that bitch in tights. She’s got my dream bag! She’s got the pink Chanel I’ve been lusting for ages! I hate her. Who is that asshole and why does she have my Nicky Hilton bag?"

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Hannah: "Gago si Janthina yan!" (Stupid, that’s Janthina!)

Me: "Janthinnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

We exchanged our OMGs like hyperventilating 5 year olds on amphetamines and camwhored till my crotch got sweaty. Photo below courtesy of Janthina Fong, who I like to say "owns half of Hong Kong".

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Hannah even introduced me to a bunch of lovely gals who read my blog religiously. Hay girls!!!!! I love each and every one of you. Thanks for making my balls sweat last night. Spread my glory and my gospel to everyone that you know. :)

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See.. I don’t bite. Say hi, don’t be shy!

One of them even got her boyfriend buy her a Fendi Spy bag because of me. I’m SOOOOO glad I’m able to influence today’s youth. According to my (ongoing) survey, over 75% of my readers possess a vagina of some sort. I love girls. I really do. Now if only y’all got a huge penis then I’d be one happy mother fucker for life.

LONG LIVE CONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION. LONG LIVE CONSUMER CULTURE. LONG LIVE FAGGOTRY… Y’ALL BETTER KEEP IT ALIVE YA MAGGOTS!

O RLY? hahahahaha!

Moving on…. the look on Harvey’s face: priceless…

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… and I didn’t marry this woman for nothing.

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See what I mean?

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Hannah Matronic you’re such a fuckin faggot.

Some things are better left unsaid but I just have to ask if it’s really true that this guy has a big dick. I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. People were going gaga over him last night.

I mean, I’m just curious, that’s all. It’s always fun to talk about guys’ dick sizes. Especially guys you don’t know. Ok… there are other guys who are hotter than him and I’m sure this guy is nice but seriously, ALL I WANNA KNOW IS WHETHER HE’S WELL-HUNG OR NOT.

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Oh dear lord. Satan please save me. I don’t wanna get beaten up or get whacked for plastering his face on my blog. Now if it’s rape we’re talking about….. willing sluts like me (who are currently undergoing a dry spell) wouldn’t mind. At this point, I’ll even take it from anyone. Rich, po’, young, old, thin, fat, black, white, brown, yellow, red, it doesn’t even matter at all. Desperate times, desperate measures.

So there you have it… the youth of today are bad… really bad.

It’s amazing how I managed to get home a little after 4AM. I had an early night because I made a personal pact that I will be home before sunrise. No more afterparties that last till 3 o’clock in the fuckin afternoon.

I know I’m gonna get struck by lightning for saying this but I dropped by KFC on my way home (I’ve never been to KFC in MONTHS… even YEARS…. god knows the last time I went there) and bought this ginormous bucket of fried chicken (8 pieces), 3 plastic cups of gravy and 2 cups of mashed potatoes.

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I devoured the entire thing right before going to bed.

Fuck my "Dying to be Thin" diet. It will never make it to the New York Times Bestseller’s List anyway.

Fat is the new black.

I know I’m going to hell anyway so why not take a first class ticket instead?

I love you all! Email bryan@bryanboy.com or SMS +63.915.785.1492.

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PS. Discuss this blog post here.