Checkpoint: Stopped by the Police
Oh my god. We got stopped by the cops on our way home last night and boy it was hilarious.
"Good evening young ladies. Sorry for the inconvenience, will you please turn your lights on?"
First things first, I would like to greet all my countrymen, anyone who's got a snot-colored passport (like I do) from the land of the brown, l'exotique and the natives, the cesspit of the third world aka Las Islas Fililpnas, a HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!
Philippine flags photo credit: Shaolintiger.com
Tang ina ninyo lahat mga hampaslupa itayo ang bandera ng Pilipinas!!! Hoy mga bakla ako ang pinakamaganda sa inyong lahat hahahahahahahahaha! Echos!
I'll tell you more about the police story later.
I went out early yesterday evening with my sister and one of her best friends from Singapore, who is currently here on holiday. We went to Rockwell mall where I met someone fabulous about my upcoming accessories line. Yep, you read that right, I'm having my OWN line of accessories soon!
T-shirt from Topshop, hoodie from Norma Kamali for Everlast, super old tracksuit bottoms from Topshop, bag from Chanel, shoes from Gucci.
I often get emails from people in the USA why I don't have a clothing line as of yet. Thing is, I don't want a clothing line right now. There are sooo many people selling clothes already and the investment is huge. I'm not ready to take any risks at the moment. Afterall, I'm POOR. Remember how I stopped myself from buying a prized black croc Kelly last week? Shit, I didn't even blink when I got my Birkin bag. I handed out my plastic to the shop girl faster than the speed of light. With the croc kelly, I had to ask myself "do I really need another bag right now?" and "how do I justify spending 5-figures on a crocodile bag?" before saying no.
Actually, I didn't ask myself those questions. Hahaha! I'm only saying that because I'm the world's most pretentious parrot.
In reality I told myself "you don't need another bag right now cause YA CAN'T AFFORD IT! you're POOR"!
CAN A CORRUPT POLITICIAN PLEASE, FOR THE LIFE OF GOD, PLEASE, PLEASE ADOPT ME?
I'll be the fabulous child you've never had!!!!!! I'll spend your
constituents' money like you've never seen before. I'm not gonna buy a house or a car… I'm gonna buy Russian sable coats and Louis Vuitton steamer trunks as big as a coffin!
I was talking to one of my gal pals the other day. We really feel awful for those fugly children of corrupt politicians. I bet you they're itching to flaunt their wealth on their sleeve but they can't because they know, deep down, it's the taxpayers' money they're spending. If they do spend money, they have no choice but to keep a low profile and/or start their own businesses (which is good and admirable) to make money of their own (which is bad cause their startup funds are still dirty). HELLLOOOO MONEY LAUNDERING! Hah!
Anyway, put me in their shoes and I'll play the game differently. I bet you I'd cream my pants if I had the chance to say "Oh. my. god. Daddy bought me this fabulous Fendi sable coat and I don't give a shit about the people in our province who don't have running water. Daddy's doing them a favor by letting them die from thirst and starvation. One family down, 15,000 families to go."
I really should shut my cunt right now afterall, ill-gotten wealth is hotter than no wealth, just like nouveaux riche is better than no riche.
I keep on telling my own mother how I have this gut feeling that I got switched at the hospital when she gave birth. Maybe I'm the
daughter son of someone extremely wealthy and then some bastard incompetent nurse put me in the wrong place or whatever and then handed me to my mom.
Enough talk about the poor… god I hate that word. It really is not funny being poor. In this day and age, nobody is supposed to be poor. Let's just pretend that we're all rich and fabulous because it's so much fun to do so. Afterall, it's absolutely free to play pretend and we ain't got nothing to lose… not unless you take it seriously.
Ugh! I hate it whenever I get sidetracked. Going back to accessories, the investment is relatively small. And thanks to my pretend "fame", I could always overprice my accessories and sell them to unsuspecting fashion victims such as myself. There's always someone gullible out there who is willing to pay US$2,000 for shit that costs US$40. All you need is a good writer and someone with good advertising and marketing skills.
Calling all boys and girls who got access to daddy's credit card, I'm gonna need you in the future to make myself some serious gold!
I can't wait for my accessories line. We're in production and hopefully by next week I'll get the first batch ready. There's so much work that's needed to be done though. For instance, I have to buy packaging (boxes, etc), organize a photo shoot, create a website, etc. I just can't wait to finish all these tasks. It's a little big project for me.
Take a look at these boxes that I found! Click here. Aren't they cute? Personally I'm digging the black, black craft and navy blue boxes. They'd look good with white ribbons… chic and simple. I'm gonna call them and ask if they can send me samples.
I can't wait for my little accessories line to take off! I'm gonna start a mailing list soon that you can join so you'll be notified when I launch them. Everything will be sold online. I'm not even gonna bother advertising or sell my accessories in this country because half of the people here are too bloody cheap and would rather spend their money on something else. And of course, I already trashed rich kids of the corrupt kind… my potential target market! Hahahaha! Oh my god, I really shouldn't bite the hand that will feed me in the future! Too late though. I'm kidding.
Anyway, my maid Eunice should be back this Thursday from her extended vacation (I love that bitch) and she'll be the one who will handle all the "shipping and handling" bits. You'll have a taste of good ol' service a la Eunice. Hahaha! Outsource, outsource, outsource!
So there… now you know what I've been REALLY up to recently.
I burned a little bit of cash yesterday. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say "I'm poor" but my inner shopaholic screamed BUY! BUY! BUY! I went to Zara plus all these tiny shops etc. I ended up with a jacket, 3 pairs of shorts, a pair of fantastic white shoes, 4 t-shirts, a button-down shirt, a necklace and some sequined scarf thing.
Après-shopping, we had dinner at The Oyster Bar where I had a dozen baked oysters (I know!!!), some soup and some fish & chips (my favourite).
We wanted to go to the cinemas but the movie Failure to Launch isn't on (and to think, the DVD is already out) so we decided to go home.
On our way back, we got stopped by the cops who were doing a mandatory inspection on ALL vehicles at some checkpoint because there were blasts (AS IN BOMBS galore) somewhere in bumfuck Quezon City, the former capital of the Philippines.
I sat in the back of the car so it's my sister and her girlfriend in the front. The cop greeted us "Good evening young ladies. Sorry for the inconvenience, will you please turn your lights on?".
We turned the lights on then I butted in… "I'm not a lady!" He totally ignored me as if he didn't hear what I said then him and his cohort took a quick look inside.
Then he said "Thanks, pretty girls, especially to the one at the back. You all don't look like bombers." (Salamat mga magagandang binibini lalo na yung nasa likod. Hindi naman kayo mukhang mangbobomba.) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I guess it pays to be young… and beautiful. HAHAHAHA! If there's anything in this world I'll preserve, it's my youth and my beauty (time to deflate my ego now) because it's my get out of jail card. WHO THE FUCKING HELL NEEDS CHARM when you've got youth and beauty?
You should've seen how they stop vehicles on the road. They even ask people to get out of their vehicles, like public transporation/buses/jeepneys and they were inspecting people's bags, frisk them, etc.
I asked if my friend can take a picture and he said yes.
Oh my god. What a sleazebag. Hahahaha!
I think that's it. Remember Jakob, the Swedish guy who forced me to skip Milan, Italy for Denmark and went all the way from bumfuck, middle of nowhere Sweden to Copenhagen just to meet me? Dammit, that's one shopping trip gone down the drain…
Well, damn faggot sent me a message via instant messenger. He's gone to the prom recently and sent me a photo. I asked him why he took his granny to the prom. Ok, I'm kidding ;) God knows if the girl is reading is. Varberg is a small town. A *very* small town. If you're reading this I'm only joking!
You can tell one is a faggot if their tie is pink, embroidered and floral. Hahahahaha!
Jakob, stop it with the grumpy old man look. Hahahaha! I wish I was in Sweden right now. I should've been your date! You could've gotten your daddy to buy me a Chanel haute couture dress for your prom and have an all night bender of sex, drugs and rock n' roll!!!!!!!!!
That's better. Hahahahahahaha!
We could also do a threesome you know. Granny and I can share a double dildo while you've got your cock up my mouth. Tada!
Shit I'm soo pretty in Chanel.
Keep the faggotry alive bitches!
As always, you all know how to get hold of me. Email firstname.lastname@example.org or SMS +63.915.785.1492.
I love you all!
PPSS. Call my 24-hour USA voicemail! Ask me anything. In fact, ask me 3 questions and I'll answer them on my podcast. Be sure to leave a 2-3 second gap between questions so I can format it like an interview. And please, for the life of god, be creative with your questions. Don't forget to say the word "Baboosh!'