Weirdest Dream EVER… Karl Lagerfeld: "You are as Beeeg as a Peeeg."

Written By bryanboy

052406_karlWeirdest Dream EVAR!

Karl Lagerfeld: "You are as Beeeg as a Peeeg."

Ugh! I’ve been slacking all week long. In fact, I haven’t shaved since since last week. My entire face is covered with stubble. Boy I look so fucking rough and hideous. Bin Laden would’ve been so proud of me for channeling my inner taliban. At this point, even smack junkie Pete Doherty looks better than me.

I was supposed to get some highlights and my hair done at 2PM this afternoon with one of my gal pals but I ended up getting out of bed 3 hours late. Don’t ask me why – I already missed far too many appointments this week (including a late lunch session with Mrs. T) because of my fucked up sleeping habits.

I had 9 hours of sleep instead of my usual 4. I got up at 5 in the afternoon all sweaty and freaked out: I had the strangest dream nightmare EVER… and to think, it’s rare for me to dream. Extremely rare. I’m too old for that dreaming bullshit. Afterall, sleeping is the only time my mere 2 brain cells get to rest. I’m gonna dream WHEN I WANT TO and that’s when I’M AWAKE. You know, foie gras wishes and Chanel haute couture dreams.

052506_lippBasically I dreamt about going back to my former high school. I went to the crappy gymnasium and saw Uncle Karl there. I said hi like a long-lost friend and he invited a former classmate (who is soo fucking ugly now but back then she had the longest hair ever) and moi to lunch.

Next thing you know, all 3 of us were inside one of my favourite lunch spots in Paris, Brasserie Lipp. I was about to stuff food in my mouth and Uncle Karl said "youuu should be careful on what you eat because you are already as beeeeg as a peeeg, my young one" in his thick Eurotrash accent.

I put my fork down and stared at my plate. After quite some time, he said "don’t look at ze foooood, it’s bad for youuuu. the right way to eeeat is to just look at ze people, drink some evian and inhale ze fume of your food. ze smell of food shouuuld be enough to make you full".

I can’t for the life god remember what happened next cause our maid woke me up. I immediately called my gal pal to apologize for being a flake… she eventually met up with her best friend. My phone ran out of juice and died after a couple of minutes so I went back to my room.

Wearing nothing but a pair of boxers on, I looked at my thighs and pondered what Uncle Karl said in my dream…

"YOU ARE ALREADY AS BEEEG AS A PEEEEG MY YOUNG ONE"

I was going through my clothes because Polo Ralph Lauren is throwing a "black" party tomorrow and I saw my black denim cigarette pants that I got from Chanel 5 months ago in Paris.

052406_black

Yes, it’s a size 34. French size. If I’m not mistaken (and please correct me if I’m wrong), that’s the smallest size Chanel does… in American terms, it’s a size 0.

052506_34

In real world terms, it’s supermodel anorexia size… the size BAZILLIONS OF FAT COWS (such as myself) all over the world would fight tooth and nail for… it’s the same size that those bitches on the runway wear. The only difference between me and those models that you see on the runway is the fact that they’re about 10 feet taller than me… oh and they have a vagina. Everything else is considered irrelevant. I don’t care if I have hairy legs at least I’m the same size as them!

Man, I should be fucking crowned as the most delusional son of a bitch on earth. Hahahaha!

I’m soo scared to try those pants on!!! I have a feeling they’re not gonna fit me anymore.

I know you’re gonna bitch at me cause half of the time, all I ever do on this blog is whinge on how fucking fat I am when in reality I’m not, right?

Can I just reiterate that I gained 20 pounds this year?

AND PLEASE… I NEED MOTIVATION SYMPATHY HERE. DON’T TELL ME I’M ALREADY SKINNY OR WOTSIT.

This is it. This is REALLY it.

From now, going forward, I’m avoiding carbs, sugar, and junk food. No more trips to fast food drive throughs at the gas station at weird hours of the day. I’m going to the court first thing tomorrow morning and request a restraining order against Jollibee and McDonalds.

The Karl Lagerfeld Diet Book is available at Amazon.com for US$12.97. I’m buying it now! That man lost over 80 pounds in less than a year! I figured it would be cheaper to buy that book instead of buying a kilo of crack.

BTW, what do you people know about Caroline D’Amore, who is Paris Hilton’s new BFF? I’m starting to like her… Caroline… not Paris!

052506_caroline

052506_caroline2
Photo credit: www.celebworld.org.

She’s not that pretty but whatever. I think I’m gonna pull a Caroline tomorrow my stripey red Gaultier tank.

More udpates later! I gotta do some shameless self-promotion around the net. Email bryan@bryanboy.com or SMS +63.915.785.1492 and tell me you love me.

I love you all!

Baboosh_3

PS. Discuss this blog post here.

PPSS. I’ve been featured on BestGayBlogs.com! Click here to read the interview.

052506_bestgayblogs

24 Comments

  1. Bryanboy, I think it may not be possible to lose 20 lbs by tomorrow. HOWEVER, you are still really skinny– and I’m sure you can afford a new pair of black pants, this time in size 2.
    Then, you can burn them once you lose the weight!

  2. dahling u r any which ways an irresistible dish as long as u can point out that thin ass fanny to me i don care if u have put on more 20 pounds

  3. curie

    it all about buying the smaller size and working to fit into that. right, bryanboy? ;)

  4. dahling u r any which ways an irresistible dish as long as u can point out that thin ass fanny to me i don care if u have put on more 20 pounds

  5. i think Caroline D’Amore is a model i saw her at AE Jeans Will Rock You Campaign,her real name is Yasdnil.. no offense.. but you your kinda fat, Karl Lagerfeld is right, but your still gorgeous as ever, when will your next video will be out im so looking forward to it..^^

  6. L'ávril

    i’m sorry bryanboy, i think a size 34 in France is a size 4 US. In Italy a 34 would be a zero.
    you look fabulous, though!

  7. A Chanel 34 is a size 4? THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!! OH MY GOD.
    A french friend told me size 34 is the smallest size Chanel does in RTW.. so what does chanel does about people with the equivalent of a size 0 or 2 American???
    I CANNOT BE AN AMERICAN SIZE 4! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! It’s the end of the world for me.
    where the hell are those skinny anorexic bitches when you need them?
    hahahahahahaha!

  8. I know I’m a size 2 when it comes to marc by marc jacobs jeans and it’s a tight fit. I buy a size 4 if i want it lose/baggy…
    quelle horreur! i don’t wanna be a size 6 on chanel.. THIS IS A TRAVESTY!

  9. hannah

    dammit bryanboy, you’re so fucking fabulous, it’s rediculous. that picture of you in Paris? fierceness to the tenth degree.

  10. Madam Rouge

    I dont think you need to focus on losing weight, you need to focus on eating healthy things and developing proper sleep patterns. Also if you have a little bit of loose skin you need to get into the gym and do some resistance exercises to build muscle in place of fluff. Carbs arent bad, eating fried greasy foods and downing sugared beverages oh yeah and smoking cigarettes are bad. Dont abuse on your body to fit an image that is not you. I think you look great, and you should feel good about yourself.

  11. mariko

    were you reading jessica zafra’s latest blog post before you went to sleep?! she wrote about brasserie lipp and eating pig’s foot…

  12. i think ur lifestyle has a lot to do with ur “weight problem”. oh and your age too. ur body metabolism is slowing down. i suggest that u speed it up by eating several times a day but less servings. :)

  13. Claudia

    hi bryanboy. ive been reading for a long time and following all of the weight stuff, and i noticed that you have stopped being worried about your weight..i love you but you are starting to look..bigger..then usual.
    time for a big diet! i mean, who else are fat people going to look up to?

  14. donut-ella

    I hate you, I abhor you and I detest you. I was suppose to be in bed hours ago for an early morning meeting but ended up reading your blog!!!! I ABSOLUTELY FABULOUSLY LOVE IT!!! I have never laughed so hard in my life. I’ll definitely be back here again to read the archives. If I don’t make my meeting I’ll blame you…kidding.
    P.S. Have read the comments and quite a few are hilarious!!!
    PPS. BTW that fug guy from Virginia is it? If I were you take out the comments bits, he was bashed enough and I’ll bet he just keeps on coming back to see what else is written about him, the guy’s just after attention. He was probably suckled by a pack of wolves or something, definitely not by a human.

  15. Samantha

    Pffft at least you had Lagerfeld in your dreams. I wish he was in mine. Hahaha
    I LOVE YOU BryanBoy! :D

  16. Ohmigod. I was there. At the Polo Ralph Lauren “Black Party” at Mati, Rockwell. I actually got a chance to talk to Celine Lopez. Did you actually go? Wonder why I didn’t see you.

  17. Oh my god, I was there. At the Polo Ralph Lauren “Black Party” at Mati, Rockwell. I actually got a chance to talk to celine Lopez. Did you actually go? Wonder why I didn’t see you.

  18. “Bin Laden would’ve been so proud of me for channeling my inner taliban.”
    this shit here is classic. definitely a quotable.

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