Back to Square One You Sad, Pathetic Fag

040906_fuckgucci002Yesterday was one heck of a night. A night I’ll (sadly)always remember… a night I most certainly want to forget. Posting about it probably won’t help but I need to vent out.

Before going to the party, I had a feeling something’s up in the air.

Remember how I told y’all I got so drunk each and every night when I went on that mini island holiday?

I’ve been told last night that I really hurt and offended a lot of people last weekend. I got absolutely drunk one night and I verbally lashed out on everyone who was with me at the time – the same people who believed in me and supported me right from the start. Apparently I was being obnoxious, rude and said a lot of painful shit.

I honestly can’t remember what exactly happened and what it is that I said to everyone that night. I simply have no recollection whatsoever. At all. I do remember going back to the hotel at 4AM and I passed out on the floor after taking a sleeping pill.

I cringed with horror when I heard about my (unacceptable) behavior. I had tears in my eyes when they told me about it. I apologized to the people involved but one can tell the damage I made was irreparable.

Anyway, I saw someone I haven’t seen in the longest time. I always have fun everytime I see him. I’ve learned a lot from this person. I gained insight every time we had a conversation… conversations that sometimes lasted for hours. I’ve always felt confident and I trusted this person completely. His words are extremely warm and comforting. He understands everything I’m saying without any fail.

I opened up to him about things that are going on. How and what I feel. We talked about my behavior over the weekend. We talked about a lot of things, some of my problems etc. I felt happy again. Shit, happy isn’t the appropriate word to use. I felt secure. Yes. Secure – someone I can open up with, just what I needed at the time.

040906_textI showed him several messages on my phone. This is my biggest mistake and this is clearly where I’m at fault.

There were 4 messages.

One of them is a snippet from the anonymous blog comment/email I got. I didn’t have time to print the entire thing so I sent myself a text message the part where it said "we actually hate u even just a glimps of ur shaddow or just hearing the tone of ur barked up voice. "oh here comes trannie agen, pretend were all dolled up on him and amazed about his bags". That was 10:51PM.

The other 3 messages were genuine advice from friends. 2 of which came from the same person while the other came from somebody else.

The rest is history and better left unsaid.

To cut the story short, I ended up igniting an argument.

It’s hard to put words on how I feel. I think disgust is the right word.

I’m disgusted at myself.
I’m digusted at my poor judgment of people.
I’m disgusted for taking other people’s precious advice for granted.
I’m disgusted for betraying people’s trust in me.
I’m digusted for not being sensitive enough on all of my actions.
I’m disgusted at myself for trusting people too easily I break other people’s confidence in me in the process.

There really is no one else to blame other than myself. Why did I even bother showing my messages and advice I got (even as part of conversation) when it’s none of his business?

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And you know what’s really sad? This isn’t the first time it happened. It happened to me many, many times and I still haven’t learned from my mistakes.

040906_peaceAll of my friendships and relationships have always been short-lived because I fuck things up big time. I have this (effortless) tendency of breaking other people’s confidence in me because I simply don’t know when AND how to shut the fuck up.

Perhaps this is exactly the reason why I am quite possibly the most materialistic son of a bitch in this planet. My life is one big mess. I’m a complete failure everywhere I go, everything that I do and everyone I deal with. And sometimes… no… and most of the time, I delude myself into thinking things will get better by shopping. Reality check: what else do I have at this point other than a bunch of designer bags that will depreciate its value over time?

I have no one.

I have nothing!

Absolutely NOTHING.

This experience taught me a lot of things.

  • I can’t and shouldn’t be trusted with anything.
  • I’m not good at nurturing interpersonal relationships with people.

Friends eh? You gain some, you lose them all.

Here’s the funny thing: I’m at that stage where I want to call someone… anyone… anyone whom I consider a "friend", just to reach out, open up and burst.

But I won’t. Because I know one way or another I’ll fuck up. Just like what I’ve always done in the past.

Err no. that’s not the reason why.

I won’t call someone/anyone because I don’t have the balls and the face to put up after this whole thing happened.

I need a clean slate. Yes. That’s what I need.

A clean slate and a new me.

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Hi. I’m Bryan. Will you be my friend?

I think you’re better off by saying NO.

I’m destined to be alone forever. Always have, always will.

It’s 2:30PM, Sunday, April 9, 2006.

Baboosh_3

PS. Discuss this blog post here.