Back to Square One You Sad, Pathetic Fag, Home Truths

Written By bryanboy

Back to Square One You Sad, Pathetic Fag

040906_fuckgucci002Yesterday was one heck of a night. A night I’ll (sadly)always remember… a night I most certainly want to forget. Posting about it probably won’t help but I need to vent out.

Before going to the party, I had a feeling something’s up in the air.

Remember how I told y’all I got so drunk each and every night when I went on that mini island holiday?

I’ve been told last night that I really hurt and offended a lot of people last weekend. I got absolutely drunk one night and I verbally lashed out on everyone who was with me at the time – the same people who believed in me and supported me right from the start. Apparently I was being obnoxious, rude and said a lot of painful shit.

I honestly can’t remember what exactly happened and what it is that I said to everyone that night. I simply have no recollection whatsoever. At all. I do remember going back to the hotel at 4AM and I passed out on the floor after taking a sleeping pill.

I cringed with horror when I heard about my (unacceptable) behavior. I had tears in my eyes when they told me about it. I apologized to the people involved but one can tell the damage I made was irreparable.

Anyway, I saw someone I haven’t seen in the longest time. I always have fun everytime I see him. I’ve learned a lot from this person. I gained insight every time we had a conversation… conversations that sometimes lasted for hours. I’ve always felt confident and I trusted this person completely. His words are extremely warm and comforting. He understands everything I’m saying without any fail.

I opened up to him about things that are going on. How and what I feel. We talked about my behavior over the weekend. We talked about a lot of things, some of my problems etc. I felt happy again. Shit, happy isn’t the appropriate word to use. I felt secure. Yes. Secure – someone I can open up with, just what I needed at the time.

040906_textI showed him several messages on my phone. This is my biggest mistake and this is clearly where I’m at fault.

There were 4 messages.

One of them is a snippet from the anonymous blog comment/email I got. I didn’t have time to print the entire thing so I sent myself a text message the part where it said "we actually hate u even just a glimps of ur shaddow or just hearing the tone of ur barked up voice. "oh here comes trannie agen, pretend were all dolled up on him and amazed about his bags". That was 10:51PM.

The other 3 messages were genuine advice from friends. 2 of which came from the same person while the other came from somebody else.

The rest is history and better left unsaid.

To cut the story short, I ended up igniting an argument.

It’s hard to put words on how I feel. I think disgust is the right word.

I’m disgusted at myself.
I’m digusted at my poor judgment of people.
I’m disgusted for taking other people’s precious advice for granted.
I’m disgusted for betraying people’s trust in me.
I’m digusted for not being sensitive enough on all of my actions.
I’m disgusted at myself for trusting people too easily I break other people’s confidence in me in the process.

There really is no one else to blame other than myself. Why did I even bother showing my messages and advice I got (even as part of conversation) when it’s none of his business?

040906_trust003_1

And you know what’s really sad? This isn’t the first time it happened. It happened to me many, many times and I still haven’t learned from my mistakes.

040906_peaceAll of my friendships and relationships have always been short-lived because I fuck things up big time. I have this (effortless) tendency of breaking other people’s confidence in me because I simply don’t know when AND how to shut the fuck up.

Perhaps this is exactly the reason why I am quite possibly the most materialistic son of a bitch in this planet. My life is one big mess. I’m a complete failure everywhere I go, everything that I do and everyone I deal with. And sometimes… no… and most of the time, I delude myself into thinking things will get better by shopping. Reality check: what else do I have at this point other than a bunch of designer bags that will depreciate its value over time?

I have no one.

I have nothing!

Absolutely NOTHING.

This experience taught me a lot of things.

  • I can’t and shouldn’t be trusted with anything.
  • I’m not good at nurturing interpersonal relationships with people.

Friends eh? You gain some, you lose them all.

Here’s the funny thing: I’m at that stage where I want to call someone… anyone… anyone whom I consider a "friend", just to reach out, open up and burst.

But I won’t. Because I know one way or another I’ll fuck up. Just like what I’ve always done in the past.

Err no. that’s not the reason why.

I won’t call someone/anyone because I don’t have the balls and the face to put up after this whole thing happened.

I need a clean slate. Yes. That’s what I need.

A clean slate and a new me.

040906_trust002

Hi. I’m Bryan. Will you be my friend?

I think you’re better off by saying NO.

I’m destined to be alone forever. Always have, always will.

It’s 2:30PM, Sunday, April 9, 2006.

Baboosh_3

PS. Discuss this blog post here.

49 Comments

  1. gorgeousbutcheeky

    Bryanboy? More like Bryanbitch ha darls??!! Cheer up sweety, what did people expect from a drugged up spoiled brat princess as yourself? A cup of tea and a biscuit?! Bitches please. Get real!! Still, it’s lonely being a complete and utter ballbitch sometimes but I know you’ll get through this babe – I shall pray for your sweet bitchy ass. Bitches with Chanel handbags rule!!! ‘K!!! xxxxooo yours in bitchfuckiness, GBC xxxxooo

  2. hey bryanboy, dont be so hard on urself. we’ve all been in these situations including me. u can’t change what happened but u can learn from them. and there’s nothing wrong with going to the mall to cheer urself up! most of all, ur not destined to be alone. so cheer up! :)

  3. rongrong

    Hi I won’t say that what you did was wrong, but I guess its not possible to have used an accurate judgment in an impaired state. Neither will I use the pretention of bitchqueens that handbags are all you have and could possibly want,because I doubt that that’s what you want to hear at the moment. As it is, feelings heal over time, and what you said will be recognised as an act of impulse. Take care. If your friends are true to you, they will know you are human too.

  4. Ohhhh been there done that……hence y I don’t drink anymore…..I fucked up really bad the last time….u live u learn like that alanis morrisette song……cheer up at least u aint britney spears

  5. gheaghea

    oh honey, there are tons of people who LOOOVE bryanboy! =)
    this thing happened once to me too. i was just happily talking shit with some girl i knew from 7 years ago and apparently, i unknowingly made a comment that made her toes curl…she fakingly laughed it off but wigged out on her husband later. she was even crying her eyes out in the middle of the friggin’ bar! the husband confronted me but slick sleazoid that i was, i got myself out of the sticky situation based on my charming powers of pursuasion…yep, i apologized (albeit grudgingly)! hey, if i had really said something offensive and made the bitch cry without meaning to, she prolly has it worse than i do. what-ev!
    so cheer up bryanbaby, shit happens sometimes…even to the best of people. be safe in the knowledge that no, you are not alone. you never are. =)

  6. graceshu

    Don’t despair! Who needs Gucci anyway?!?!?
    Re-invent yourself!
    GANBATTE, BRYAN!! :D!

  7. stop drinking, who wants to be in a state where they arent conscious of who they are, and what they are doing? Not me.

  8. everyone makes mistakes. it’s only human to do so. and it’s good that ur admitting to ur mistakes. but it’s more important to learn from them. and there’s no point in being so harsh on urself. people come people go. life is short. the length of relationships don’t really matter. it’s how u treasure and remember them.

  9. boybeater

    oh, come on, dear bryanboy!!! that was the alcohol talking not you!!! every fun person knows how this could happen to the best of us. take it easy…..

  10. i’ve felt the same way too. until now, i still don’t have that solid group of friends coz whenever i get close with a new person, i tend to forget the people i’ve had before. i dunno. i guess these things happen coz you wanna accomodate all the people who wants to be in your life.
    hope everything would turn out for the better. :)

  11. TIME HEALS.
    Cheer up Bryanboy, at least you’re true to yourself and you realize your own mistakes.
    You just have to learn from them.
    ^__________^

  12. As a former drink and bitcher myself, I would advise quitting the alchol and pills. You have so much to offer now and in the future. I would be so upset if I opened up your blog to read you had somehow slipped away from us. Look into new friends that can support you in that effort. You won’t be sorry….
    Love and kisses.

  13. an avid reader

    you know what, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. people make mistakes.. remember that. i am confident that you are a great friend, or a great person for that matter, even though you fuck things up a couple of times. who hasn’t, right?
    just be yourself. you are a good person. keep that in mind.

  14. Play the role better Bryanboy.
    You should know to keep the guilt and self- pity crap off the website. Your haters will laugh at you for it and the rest of your fake fanclub dont want to read it.
    Your the vile, superficial little queer bitch from hell remember.
    Your readers want tales of gossip, glamour, excess and debauchery.
    How dare you have feelings of remorse!
    Tell it someone who cares.
    (Oops, i forgot, you dont have anyone who really cares).
    Dont shatter the illusion…your website depends on it.
    Stick to being the visious, acid-tongued, nasty homo your known for being.
    If other people dont like it, they can all F*ck themselves right?
    “Rot in a pit of filth you jealous sad little nobodys.
    Im Bryanboy, here to make you feel bad about yourself. I maintain a website so all you readers can see how fabulous my life is and how sh*t your’s is. hahahaha”
    Your not allowed to have a heart or a conscience. (at least not in public).
    Thats not how it works honey.
    XXX HEATH XXX

  15. it's me

    Well Bryanboy ….that’s called growing up. How you deal with life…in general….defines who you are.

  16. I’ve done worse in my own drunken stupidity and at least you didn’t take the sleeping med while you were still out… I would’ve done that and gotten into even more trouble. 8) I hope you friends forgive you.

  17. i still read your blog so don’t worry! :)
    lessen the alcohol and quit the pills (really), see what it does!
    uhm, MOST of the “friends” you feature are some of the biggest social climbers (who PRETEND that they’re NOT social climbers, ugh) in the entire universe! think about it, most just use you for mileage babe!

  18. as other people have said, shit happens even to the best of people. had just chanced upon this site.. (even though i’ve heard about you from the grape vine) basically, i find you brutally frank and honest and i like what i read.. all i could say is, either move on to better things (like changing if you’re up to it..) or stay where you’re in right now (the dumps.. )

  19. Tinuviel

    Yeah, been there, done that. You’re not alone. I think most people have done things they regret while drunk at some point in their lives.
    If you’re not already seeing a psychologist/counsellor, you might want to consider it. You may need treatment for substance abuse.
    Also–you DO have someone. You have your family. They probably don’t understand you completely, but from what I’ve read in your blog, I think they do love you.

  20. i luvvv your site. :) & i’m sorry you’re so upset, but ppl are bitches, so dont let it get to you!

  21. Dont be so hard on yaself darling! Especially since u were drunk, altho u cant take back wat u said u can def. try and make it right. and def. ease up on the drinkin and pills – so not good for ya!

  22. bryanboy, you don’t need those leeches. i was really surprised that you started hanging out with those people. people were able to relate with you (minus the expensive handbags!), because you were an OUTCAST. those gucci-loving people only wanted you because you’re cyber-famous. get them out of your system. pronto!

  23. I know how you feel, sometimes I think I can buy my way out of situations or make thinks easier for myself knowing I can survive by myself. It hurts so much when people turn on you and exclude you–wanting badly to fix it at the same time wanting to not care. My best advice is what im going to try to follow now, sleep on it- treat myself to some good food and try to fix what can be fixed later. Best. – D

  24. Your situation is nothing compared to mine. I just returned from London covered in puke. I was so drunked that I blacked out and apparently was still functioning. I woke up naked laid next to a naked stranger the next morning. My hotel wroom was wrecked and I had a bloody face. So, I got beat up and taken advantage of. This is something that happens in movies. I would have never thought it would happen to me.
    Would you like to trade places??

  25. Karolina

    Bryan, I’m a huge fan of your blog and believe it or not, this moment where you think everyone hates you and loathes your face will pass. It might take anywhere from a few days to a few years, but eventually you’ll realize people care about you. You just gotta lay off pills, booze, and social climbing friends as said before.
    I once had a dream I met you and I panicked, but you were the nicest person about it. So, subconsciously, I think you’re a nice person, if that cheers you up even the teensiest bit.

  26. Bryan,
    You need perspective. There is no use writing about this, when you’re knee deep in shit. Do it months from now, or once you feel like you’re “over” it, and “comfortable” again. Heck, you dont even have to openly blog about it, just promise yourself to fix this when you’re at your best, not your worst. It will be hard revisiting memories you would rather forget, and pretty much a painful inconvienience but in writing and dealing with it much later on, you’ll learn something.
    All that “time can heal” is crap. Time just makes you forget, setting you up so you’ll do it again another time. So you want to forget, or you want to fix this? All you can do is forget this for now, and come back and deal with it, with a new perspective.
    You owe it to yourself to have a gd life. Nobody is goin to do it for ya. All the best, dude. :)

  27. you better fucking listrn to me:
    dont be a bitch and people wont bitch you back.
    but you know what hurts more?
    even if youre all dolled up genuinely, there are people who love to make you sick.
    so learn from that.
    being trannie-ish and gay os something YOU CHOSE and have to deal with.
    Love is so temporary.so dont love everyone.
    Love your fucking self.
    just like i do
    and i just like me.
    i fuck up.
    dont blog about it
    just think about it and let it pass
    like seasons and trends.
    i know you might think this is B.S but trust me.
    you figure a way to listen to me and you will learn something.
    yep.you’ll learn it from me.you know why?
    because just like you i fuck up and dont know EVERYTHING.
    take it as it is.baby.

  28. William

    Could people please stop saying “u” for “you”? You sound like 12-year-olds with learning disabilities. Thanks in advance.

  29. Well I feel sorry that your friends are so shallow they can’t even forgive a drunken infraction by you and had to resort to cheap backstabbing actions such as posting anonymous comments on your blog saying how they always hated you. ano ba yan? if they were really your friends they would have forgiven you and forgotten about it. move on hon been there done that, crying over spilt milk and over friends who obviously never really were friends wont resurrect the dead. My advice is you quite drinking and pillpopping clean up your act and find some new friends I did it and Im a much better person for it. why not do something for charity so good things will come back to you?

  30. Fuck the bitches, or better off, let them fuck themselves! Try not to worry and in the future control the amout of trust towards other people. Use you’re instinct in friend selection.
    p.s. ->William. He is not saying “u” for “you” he is writing it. If you wanna be a such a language purifier than do it right!:P

  31. If they’re REAL friends, they’ll stick with you thru thick and thin. If they hold a grudge based on something you said while intoxicated, kiss the motherfuckers goodbye because they’ve just successfuly demoted themselves to being frenemies or at the very best, acquaintances.
    Cheer up emo kid :D

  32. Tanya Turner's Tits

    Hey, fucking up is part of everyone’s weekly agenda. We’re just pretty good at covering it up.
    I admire you being so honest about it, even though your detractors are probably revelling in your self-loathing right now.
    Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and look in the mirror. In addition to being fabulous, you’ve revealed to us that you have a heart too. This hasn’t always been evident on your blog.
    Good for you, a little introspection does us all good. If people can’t accept an apology then more fool them. Who hasn’t been shit-faced and trashed a few mates now and then. I know I have.
    Love ya.

  33. supercow

    Ay daot! In fairness, nasense ko nga ang maldivich aura mo. They spkike up one minute and then vanish entirely the next. Parang walang nangyari. Well, siguro ingat lang sa kilos sa mga taong di mo masyadong kachums or di mo talaga kachums. Of course, maloloka yon pag minaldita mo sila. Unlike if you really know the person, he/she can easily get back to you with a slap. :D Seriously, wala nang backstabbing. Sampalan nalang ang drama. Lol. Darna!

  34. drags-to-riches

    that was soo paris hilton..
    but hey, she’s still around and she did more
    faux pas so hang in there ;p
    what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger ;p

  35. you’re still fabulous honey..
    thanks for the e-mail reply.
    remember babe, you are loved..
    not only by me,
    but by the swarms of people and fabulous biatches who believe in u and love you unconditionally… no matter what…

  36. Alicia Santos-Daniels

    You could always have lunch with Giselle Cordero. But not in this town.

  37. manbitch

    i read your blog often but i never post a comment until now. i so can relate to what you said! i too trust easily that i lose the trust of my other friends coz i have such a big mouth! but i learned from that already. i’ve learned to control what i say. well, i got better at it. peace out bryanboy. :)

  38. I think a lot of us have been in similar situations — don’t be so hard on yourself, Bryan Boy. First of all, if you haven’t already, offer a sincere apology to the friends you hurt. Let it go after that (in other words, write it off as an embarassing incident and don’t make a big deal or bring it up every single day), and they will forgive you in time if they are true friends. If not, fuck em if they can’t take a joke. As for trusting the wrong people, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stabbed in the back…and now everyone wonders why I am such a cold bitch who never opens up. It sucks, but remember, you didn’t do anything wrong, he did. Don’t let the assholes get you down. I read this blog for the laughs and to check out your new designer acquisitions, but you seem like a really sweet person too…so big hugs, and best wishes of happiness to you.

  39. Get over it!
    We say things that we regret… it’s one of those things.

  40. hi bryan! sorry for this super delayed comment.
    anyway, it’s hard for fabulous people to gain real friends. more often than not, a lot of people would want to be your friend, but with vested interests.
    I do agree with some of your readers. do choose your friends next time. and know when to stop drinking for the night.

  41. really my friends and i love you but sometimes,we cannot understand you and your rantings.bless your soul and maybe you will learn from all your mistakes.

  42. Dude, calm down Bryanboy…most friendships fall apart. Of all the people I have met in the last ten years I have about 5 friends total, and none of them even live in my same city. It’s just what happens. You should be more aware of not being outright mean to people, but you can’t get upset about not keeping friendships. It just happens, life goes on and you can’t cater to everyone’s ego, etc… people grow apart. People that get pissed at you for getting drunk and being mean one time aren’t really your friends anyway. Honestly, do what you need to do to make yourself feel good about you, but don’t sweat how other people feel about you unless you are actually hurting them. Drama is so boring.

  43. lostmyway

    bryanboy…i love you! and i hope that all is better by now. unfortunately, i relate to the entire incident…many of us have been there. it’s an AWFUL feeling but all you can do is learn from it, try to be a better person, and do your damndest to not do it again.

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