I'm depressed and it's my fucking birthday

Written By bryanboy

I’m depressed and it’s my fucking birthday

I just turned 17 today 5 hours ago.

There’s definitely something in the air. I’ve been shopping (and eating) too much recently. You can usually tell I’m depressed when a) I’m gaining weight or b) I just added a ridiculous amount of new items to my wardrobe. It’s been proven that overeating and overshopping can make all my Academy Award-winning depression moments go away but this time I was wrong… I don’t mind being left bankrupt; I could always sell my ravaged rectum to a dirty old white guy and let his schlong hit my prostate for a couple of grand per hour. I just don’t want to be fat and that’s exactly where I’m heading.

Believe it or not, I managed to stay indoors over the weekend. It’s been quite awhile since I spent BOTH Friday and Saturday nights at my familia de horreur’s birdcage. I think it’s because of the fact that I got drunk on Tuesday and Wednesday last week. Oh well. At least I have bragging rights that *I* can stay at home on the weekends and I’m not really a party person.

Who am I fooling?

Anyway, I finally got hold of my new Fendi Spy bag.


I almost had a cardiac arrest when I opened the box… I (initially) got soooo disappointed with my Fendi Spy. It’s made out of Nappa leather and it’s supposed to be "metallic gold". It wasn’t even THAT metallic… it was gray! Pearlized gray! I called one of my bag hags and told her it felt as if it was made out of styrofoam and it looked like the stuff they use on car interiors.


I totally had a bitch fit so I decided to pop my Spy bag’s cherry. I gave it a spin around town on Friday afternoon. I went shopping. Yes, I fucking took that yellow brick road to Louis Vuitton. Satan made that house, I’m telling you. I could never, at least in this life, leave that bloody store empty-handed. Ok, I did once. With Mrs. T.

Anyway, it’s a serious disease. I made a personal pact that I will never set foot in that store this year and I’ve broken that promise many, many times. Heck, I even missed all of their events and parties in the past few months in order not to drop mad cash but here I am, back to my old habits again.

I really should stay away from Louis Vuitton. It’s driving me insane!!!

Heck, I was thinking of buying a fake LV bag, waltz inside Louis Vuitton’s premises, hit some random punter with my faux bag and finally get a restraining order that prohibits me from setting foot at LV for 1 year. I know I’m not the only one who wants to stay away from LV. Why isn’t there a support group for people like me?

Enough LV Madness.

Anyway, so yeah, I took my spy for a spin and I fell in LOVE with it. The bag is soo lightweight and it can hold a shitload of stuff. I wouldn’t mind using this bag in the event I turn into selling heroin for money. It’s such a gorgeous piece.

The bag is pretty much like a good friend that you fall in love with… over time. The more I use the bag, the more I like it.

Thumb22Bryanboy Loves… and Random Cheesemax

#1 – Bryanboy loves people from Laughlin. NV, De Soto, KS. Elizabethtown, KY, Joliet, IL, Salt Lake City, UT, Rome, Italy, Wuhan, China, Grinnell, IA, Milan, Caavera, Andalucia Spain, Louisenruh, Bayern Germany, Chester, MD, Sesto, Sardegna  Italy, Narva, Estonia, Bristol, United Kingdom and of course, all the fabulous people in San Francisco, CA. I love each and every one of you. Heck, you know I’d be more than happy to give you sexual favors of any kind. Say hi you fuckin cunts.

#2 – Don’t believe that whole "the best things in life are free" adage. Whoever invented that saying probably didn’t have access to Chanel or Hermès at that time. You know how I am… I substitute sex with Chanel, love with Vuitton and friendship with Dolce & Gabbana. This is how I managed to survive in the past 17 years. I’m kidding.

Here’s what I think: the best things in life are free AND EXPENSIVE. I had a 2-hour online chat fest with Mrs. T, who, by the way, is pretty much the only form of "support group" that I have at this time of the day (4AM), and she sent me a lovely birthday present… a gift that will give me nightmares for the rest of my life.

Being the pretentious gay twink that I am, I was gonna brag on how Mrs. T gave me a crocodile Kelly bag for my birthday until I read her note where it clearly indicated "Love this foto coz this foto is your gift from me".


Oooooh I am sooo fuckin envious. I’m gonna see you in designer hell Mrs. T.

Fuck it, I REALLY WANT A CROCODILE KELLY/BIRKIN BAG! That would be the best birthday present EVER!

#3 – Look at what I got as a birthday present over the weekend… a 3-month old baby!!! I’m thinking of good male names for a German Shepherd.

Sometime last year, my Miniature Pinscher baby, Daria, passed away due to some liver and kidney infection. She gave me a lot of love and affection in spite of having her for only a month. I still miss her though.

Hopefully my new baby will do the same.

Shit, hopefully my new baby give me my much-need masculinity and testosterone action I never had.



He’s sooo big and he’s sooo lovely! He needs to be thoroughly trained though. I’ll make sure I’ll take the extra mile just to take care of him.

#4 – Get your Hollywood trashtastic outfits ready cause we’re gonna party until the cows come home.

#5 – I think the best birthday present one can give to himself is the gift of good health. I need to stop smoking ASAP. I know I said I want to die ala Nan Kempner, complete with her couture and her portable oxygen tank. I want to take that back. I don’t want to die with a lung or heart disease. I want to die of old age.

#6 – I am sooo happy to know that I’m not the only one who is gaining weight these days.



#7 – Random Cheesemax on the net

  • click here | L’Oreal Buys The Body Shop for $1 Billion. Holy fucking shit.
  • click here | Someone please buy me this trunk as a birthday present
  • click here | That gay Stephen Gately of Boyzone fame got married… to a man, of course
  • click here | And I still can’t believe Perez got to hang out with La Lohan. Lucky git. Imagine me hanging out with John Galliano.

I think that’s all for now. I’m gonna sleep in a bit cause I have to do some errands later today. It’s friggin 5:18AM and I need to be up before 12 noon.

As always, you know where to contact me. Email bryan@bryanboy.com or SMS +63-915-785-1492.

It’s my 17th birthday today god dammit. Don’t be a cheapskate and buy me presents. Email me and I’ll tell you where to send them.

It’s my special day so you better buy me something nice.

Never forget: the best things in life are free and expensive.

I love you all.


PS. Discuss this blog post here.


  1. From Italy
    I found your blog just 2 days ago and I understood i cant get enough of it

  2. Sam Gurr

    It’s all good, it’s my birthday on 21st aswell and i’m fucking depressed.

  3. Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy your 17th birthday as much as you enjoyed your previous 17th birthdays!

  4. Love the new Louis Vuitton BRYANBOY!!
    Keep it up!
    Louis Vuitton LOVES you and I
    Muscle Mary

  5. Mikaela

    HOORAH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! i just came across your blog from xeng zulueta’s..anyways! i effin’ love your new spy bag..its a beauty! oh and trust me dahling..you look fabulous! :)

  6. Happy birthday to you, and happy birthday to me, I’m at work so not a great birthday for me either.
    March 21st forever!

  7. happy birthday! how about naming your new dog Karl? he’s German isn’t he? and if you ever find or start a Louis Vuitton support group… do tell. i just can’t seem to shake it off either. cheers!

  8. Bryan,
    You should like give money names to your dogs. Like currencies, this little one, you can like call him Kronar.
    The next one, you can call Dinar lol

  9. From one fashion slut to another, have a happy birthday now. It’s mine also and i’m feeling fucking lonely as hell.

  10. Happy Birthday to the sexiest, most bodylicious Bag Hag! I’m like so addicted to your blog!
    Some curves will look good on you…then you can fit into Roland Mouret’s Galaxy Dress!

  11. Happy birthday, BB! You’re my best guilty pleasure ever. Can’t get enough of you.

  12. yo ! BB !!!
    happy birthday hahhaha
    i just saw you in Mega Magazine..
    goodluck on your party !!!!

  13. Happy Birthday biatch.
    You know that the rumor is the Paris was pregnant (by someone other than her Bf, which is why they broke up) but that she had an abortion. That’s just the word on the blvd. So perhaps that’s why she was looking a little larger.

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