What to Look for in a Guy, BONUS: Limited Edition Bryanboy PORN!

Written By bryanboy

What to Look for in a Guy

Calling the attention of all single mother fuckers out there. Hear ye! Hear ye!

After all these years, now I know why I’m still fucking single. My standards are way too far up my own ass… I shouldn’t take my little guide religiously… and so…. seriously.

Whoever said love is blind should be shot to the ground and squished like roadkill. Fuck ‘love is blind’. Love is much better behind a pair of Boucheron (or in my case, Gucci) sunglasses.

For those of you out there who might be interested on what my standards are, feel free to read below. I added some nice celebrity (and pornesque) shots to illustrate what I meant.

1. He must be taller than you by at least a couple of inches… even with heels.
Save the midgets to the little people. People like you and me need a man who is taller than us.

Renee

2. He must be fit, well-proportioned and have better-than-average looks.
This is a tricky one. Someone who looks nice and presentable enough is good. On the other hand, going for someone who has a killer body and a hollywood smile is pretty much asking for trouble.

Skip the beautiful boys and go for the beautiful-but-not-so-beautiful kind.

Parisstavros

Stavros

Paris

3. He must be well-off.
One of our mantras in the Bryanboy School of Golddigging is "why date a parasite when that parasite can be YOU?". Let’s face it – nobody wants to date a fucking leech. Unfortunately.. most men here (who bat for my team at least) are fucking leeches. At least that’s what I’ve been told. Not that I’ve ever dated a guy here… in fact, I HAVEN’T!

Perhaps this is one of the main reasons why I’m still single in this cesspit of the third world. It already makes me sad knowing the fact that I’m not attractive. So why make me feel worse by going out with me only because you think I have money?

Stavrosniarchos

I’m not saying that we should all root for the wealthiest guy in the world… all I’m trying to say is it’s a matter of balance… like the picture above. Besides… who wouldn’t want to get nice orange boxes with brown ribbons once a week? 

BTW.. AVOID students at all costs. That’s right. Those damn creatures (no matter how wealthy they are) will fuck you in the head.

4. Go for a gentleman.
It’s always nice when a guy treats you like a princess. A true gentleman is very, very hard to find these days. They are so hard to find that even our old hag Kate Moss goes for the young ones. I wonder, who the hell is this 20 year old mystery guy?

Would it be nice if you have a man at your disposal to help put your shoes on? Isn’t that sweet?

Katemossyoung

5. Always opt for the er.
Bigg-ER. Bett-ER. Great-ER.

Never sell yourself short. There is nothing wrong for wanting anything that ends with an ER. Bigger, better, greater.

Small

Biggerbetter

Thirdworld_1

Jackpot

Email me and tell me you love me. Email bryanboy@gmail.com.

Baboosh!

41 Comments

  1. jay vee

    damn i’m dissmiss cauz’ i’m a fucking student, a poor young boring and lost personn
    but i’m sure you’ll find the right personn tomorow at the corner of the street in your way to the supermarker ;)
    kiss gorgeous bryan

  2. LOL X 100000000
    you should come here BB, i’m sure the rich and white men of OC will not mind smooth, skinny fem boy like you ….

  3. You are so nuts, so discreetly understated, yet so modest for NOT using a giant sauerbraten as a prop. Nice technique too, practice makes perfect!

  4. This is fucking hilarious!!! Hahahahaha
    “Why date a parasite when that parasite can be YOU?” —> LOL!!!
    By the way, since you asked, that guy with Kate Moss is 20-yr-old James Burke. They were supposed to have met through mutual friends. :)

  5. it’s my firt time here.i’d love to say i love it.
    by the way,you’re fucking amazing.and i fucking fucking fucking love you.

  6. Hehee
    You are way too cool!
    I nominated you for Best Asian Blog, Bloggies Award… Go nominated yourself. Hey evryone go nominate Brianboy… He is the best. WE LOVE YOU IN PUERTO RICO HONEY!!!
    HERE’S THE ADDRESS FOR NOMINATIONS
    http://2006.bloggies.com/

  7. Your gold-digging standards are not unlike my own…good thing you don’t live where I would have to compete with you, bitch!
    Your pictures with the hotdogs and their aftermath made my day!!
    :)

  8. massimo

    I read somewhere that Kate Moss’ new guy is Jamie Burke, a 20-year-old musician who went to an exclusive all-boys boarding school in England.

  9. “oh my god…i’m calling PETA about those hot dogs!!!!!
    Posted by: mauricio | January 05, 2006 at 04:40 AM”
    Hahaa~~! ;)

  10. haha…this post is sooo funny….i also have a list similar to your’s especially the golddigging part.haha….really cool.

  11. Goodness bryanboy! that post created quite a scandal in the net cafe when I laughed so hard!
    “Gifted” Filipino Men are the rare kind. I’ve seen some, and my jaws are aching until now.
    I had a gay friend who has this saying “Hindi bale pangit, basta may t*ting galit”. Of course, I wouldn’t follow that advice. I don’t wanna end up with a retard.
    anyway, there ARE Filipino men who are in a serious, non-golddigging, relationships with gays. but, again, they are a rare kind. I know of one gay who has the same boyfriend since highschool (he’s in his late 20’s by now).

  12. empressmarujaisastupidname@checkyourgrammargirl.com

    first off i’d like to congratulate bryan for finally making the first move and teach our fellow girls/gays to go for the big “ER”.
    secondly, i agree with tips 1-10. never
    ever make the mistake of dating a leech.
    i did once, just to find out if paying for
    a man doesnt mean anything. YIKES!
    third, damn empress maruja should get off
    this friggin board and wash the dishes
    and mop the floors!!!!!!!!!

  13. as they say, good or bad publicity is still good publicity…
    some poser is acting like a rich biatch. i doubt if s/he IS rich even.
    sorry bryanboy, i just have to react…

  14. Paris’ BF actually looks attractive in the, “I’m about to kiss you but I’m still resisting for some reason” picture.
    no?
    Just a useless thought.

  15. Nice pics Bryan and good advice aside but I already married the poorest man I could find. 8)

  16. argggh bryanboy, i try and follow these guidelines- but i have to admit, i’m a sucker for those dirt-poor brown boys from the third world!!

  17. U’re totally right. . .U’re guidelines are super realistic. . .I totally love this guy!!!

  18. hey dude, you made me laugh…
    what a true one….
    love yah dude….
    i saw you on tv then i started visiting your online diary, its mah frist time…
    its cool….
    hey guy, keep rockin…
    suck on…. that!!!

  19. I’ve never been so obsessed with someone in my life as I am with you. You are all I think about. Yes, it is scary.

  20. dOpeCHiQ

    hmmmnn. .. nice bLog dude. .. you reaLLy made us Laugh. .. esp. when i read about that ^speedy.bag.thing^ .. LOL .. ;) .. i just saw my brother reading diz site .. den i saw it nga en started reading na .. haha .. hope we can see more of you en ^the bag thingy^ hehe .. you rock! hehe

  21. i love you please gimme a baby!!!! you’re exactly what I want when I have a beautiful white baby with an American, he must be as malandi and materialistic as you lol.

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