I’M GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD… AND I’M SCARED!

Boohoo God knows why my throat is friggin sore. It’s been like this since late last week and it only keeps on getting worse. It feels as if there’s someone cutting my throat with a pair of garden shears. I haven’t been a bad boy; it’s been more than a month since my mouth got in contact with an unidentified throbbing object.

I think it’s time for me to seriously stop smoking.

Fuck, I’ve been smoking since I was 14, possibly younger. You can blame it on my cousins who taught me how to smoke while listening to Alanis Morisette in their car right on my grandma’s wake/funeral.

Soon. Promise.

Anyway..

It’s 5:39AM and I can’t sleep. At all. I haven’t been to my shrink since last year so I don’t have any prescription manna that would put me to heaven. Oh god, did I just say that?

I have this icky feeling at the pit of my stomach that won’t go away.

I tried to count sheep hoping it would induce dreams that involve a gorgeous, fit, 20-something prince charming with nice teeth and a nice smile plus a shopping spree at Chanel.

(OH FUCK IT. WHO THE HELL NEEDS A PRINCE CHARMING WHEN DIY IS MORE SELF-SATISFYING THESE DAYS?)

I got really disturbing thoughts instead.

May god rescue me from the horrors of insanity. I’m too young to be a nutcase!

1) I thought about my lower back pains. I’ve been getting these weird lower back pains the past few months now. It’s bad enough if I’m sitting in front of my desk… it gets worse as soon as I lie down. I asked myself (mentally, that is)  ‘I wonder if I should go to my dad’s room and tell him to bring me to the hospital now cause my back pains are really bad?’

2) I just spent 2-3 hours (we ended our conversation at 5AM!!!) chatting to a wonderful, new-but-not-so-new acquaintance who showered me with her wisdom and wise words. One thing she said that hit me really good was something along the lines of  "you really gotta love what you do because in the end it’s really not about the money that makes you go to work… it’s the love of the job."

3)  I really don’t know where I’m heading right now. I want a sense of direction but my mind’s all over the place. I want to do this. I want to do that. I forgot to do this. I forgot to do that. I gotta do this. I gotta do that. I KNOW I’m definitely going somewhere but it FEELS I’m not going anywhere.

Errr maybe I should change that to ‘I KNOW I’m not going anywhere but it FEELS I’m going somewhere’?

Know what I mean?

4) I think I might have lost weight. I felt my pelvic bone and my rib cage again!

5) I’m gonna die a happy woman if I get to meet former First Lady Imelda Marcos.

6)  You know, I actually thought about death too… I HATE IT when things like that pop in my head randomly. It feels as if I’m actually gonna die. I like to think of myself as immortal. Hello – I’ve said it many, many times. I want to be 75 and wear Oscar De La Renta.

It’s sooo creepy. It’s like, the more I think about death, the more I feel I’m gonna die soon. I wanted to bring it up on my blog before but the thought of me dying soon as a result of TALKING ABOUT DEATH itself bugs me.

Am I making sense? I hope so.

Shit, I think it was yesterday that I actually made a mental will of some sort. I don’t even wanna talk about it because of the fear that I might die soon.

Do you talk about wills and all? Probably not.

UGH! DELETE DELETE DELETE THIS THOUGHT OFF MY HEAD.

*PURGE* *PURGE* *PURGE*

I HAVE 5 HOURS TO SLEEP AND I’M GONNA SURVIVE IT! I’LL WAKE UP STUNNING AND FRESH.

Today’s gonna be one heck of a day – I gotta be up by 11AM cause I have a meeting with one of the biggest fashion magazines in the Philippines. I’m gonna meet their Editor in Chief as well as a couple of editors. I’m also meeting a creative team later this afternoon to discuss a project I’m brewing.

It’s 6:24AM and I’m gonna try to go to sleep… for the umpteenth time this morning.

On that note, check out this video of Kate Moss. This is exactly why I love her. I loved the part where she banged her head to the fan.


http://www.youtube.com/?v=s6yjfsop74E

Email bryanboy@gmail.com or SMS +63-915-785-1492. Tell me I’m pretty. Tell me you love me.

Heck, if I managed to be the most beautiful creature Champs-Elysees had seen in years, I’m sure you can, too.

Sweet dreams and good night!

Baboosh!