Model Citizen of the Land of the Brown, the L'exotique and the Natives

Written By bryanboy

Model Citizen

I thought I’d do one last whinge before I get some serious skin-tightening beauty sleep on my Pratesi-covered mattresses.

Ever since I started this blog, I’ve received far too many emails from you, my dear readers, on how I should come visit you for some serious R & R: reckless recreation.

We all know that geography is no boundary when it comes to my fans. Who knew there’s internet access in friggin Zimbabwe? Who knew I have fans who live in Ecuador? Even folks from Winnipeg, Alberta and Littleton, Colorado, they’re all feeding themselves with verbal diarrhea coming from my little third world rectum.

As much as I’d want to visit each and every one of you, one should realize that 99% of all the countries (and that includes friggin Iraq and Afghanistan) in the world show their disgust every time they see this snot-colored piece of document that we, citizens of the brown, the l’exotique and the natives, are born with.


That’s right bitches.

Immigration officials, visa officers, diplomats and consular services representatives wordwide frown upon anyone who holds the above-pictured passport because of all the bad deeds our ancestors did, dating back when the passport got invented.

You probably won’t believe the number of citizens of this third world hell hole cesspit would do anything just to get out of the country PERMANENTLY and ILLEGALY.

And it’s fucking true.

All the stereotypes you’ve heard from your neighbour are correct.

For instance, did you know that ALL Filipinos have some sort of a relative… or a distant relative, living in the United States of the Democrats, the Republicans and the Damned?

People from my land, the land of clear blue skies, coconut trees, weather la tropicale and boring malls would do anything just to get out of the country? It doesn’t matter whether they marry a sex-starved pensioner from Europe or smuggle themselves in cheap nylon suitcases one body part at a time: a lot of people will find a way just to get out… and most of them did.

What’s even worse are illegal immigrants who are a drain to a foreign government’s resources: benefits and welfare scroungers.


So here I am, a model citizen, suffering the consequences of my fellow shitizens.

Each and every god damn country in this planet now requires a friggin visa before allowing us to breathe oxygen in their country.

Some visas are easy to get, particularly the ones where no one from my country usually go to: India, China, Mongolia, etc, while most embassies now require us to give our entire lives documented in paper: bank statements, credit card statements, income tax returns, proof of assets, house & car titles, letters from our employers or proof of our businesses and everything else that you can think of.

And yes, they even want your first born child… or your bed sheet thread count if you’re impotent.

Now I don’t mind giving out such paperwork if I wanna go to a full blown shopping and reckless recreation expedition but doing so each and every time I want to go somewhere (or getting one visa after another one expires) is a fuckin hassle.

The documents are one thing but what’s worse is the drama dealing with the embassies.

Waking up at some ungodly hour just to submit your application at the embassy is one thing.

Queueing for hours is another thing.

And having incessant chit chat with someone who wants to pry on your personal life is another…although I have to give everyone credit for not asking me my guilty pleasures, the number of people I’ve slept with and the number of times I got my hair coloured in the past.

When one of my gal pals went to a European city last year for around 2 weeks, the local embassy took around 3 weeks to a month just to process her visa application… and the embassy had her passport the whole time!

Most of these embassies employ hardcore snob-to-the-max Filipino administrative assistants who would give you the cold shoulder as if you’re a mere pleb when in reality they should be the ones hailing you because of the economic benefit they’ll get from you when you spend your dosh at their local shoppingeries.

I guess one should never forget that there are still citizens such as myself who loves living in the land of the brown, the l’exotique and the natives.

Why would I want to live somewhere else when I’m living like a fucking queen here?

I have drivers (alright, crappy, dumb drivers), I have maids.
I have Vuitton suitcases and Chanel shades.

I never fly economy
Because I hate the sound of ‘mommy’

I don’t want your fucking jobs
Coz my dry cleaning bills are worth more than your handbag!

There goes my singer/songwriting skills. Now you know why I’ll never make it to the R&B section of your local music store.

It’s true though… I’ll never, ever, ever give up whatever I have here just to live anywhere else.

Going on holidays and vacations are fine, but knock-knock-cliche-snap-snap-reality, there’s no such place like home.

So yeah, if you want me to visit your country, go ahead and write to your government and ask them to friggin waive the visa requirement for model citizens such as myself.

Otherwise screw you cause I’ll only go where the wind blows.


My Pratesi and rivotril are waiting are for me. Good night/morning/afternoon everyone! or +63-915-785-1492 if you need me.


  1. i’m half filipino, i just came back from there last month..i stayed there for about a month. it was my first time visiting…interesting to come across your site, i saw it on handbag_fetish lol

  2. I dont know why people like the aforementioned Tom bother to pollute the blogosphere with their nastiness. If you dont like “confused druggies”, why did you log onto this site?
    Who is the confused one here? Ignorant idiot american fuck.

  3. For a person who really hates your blog, that Tom guy (comment poster below) sure LOVE reading your blog and commenting. Insecure much?

  4. i think i’m in love with you. i love your site! it makes me smile and i love the pictures! dior! gucci! LV! i’m from singapore but am studying in toronto now. maybe you should go check singapore out. shopping is awesome there. paragon’s the best =)

  5. white trash is so endearing sometimes. hoy indio, bat di mo pa sinasabi na ano ang mather mo???
    telebabad tayo mamaya! di mo naman binabayaran yang telepono mo diba? as in fixed rate lang yan… kasi may ganyan din si harvey.

  6. ugh i know, right?! i totally hate self-hating filipinos! i’m not exactly filipino myself but, damn, i look filipino, born and raised in the philippines, so fuckit I’M FILIPINO!

  7. Very true about the Philippines. Why the hell do we have to apply for visas whenever we want to go to other countries? I’ve been to Europe and it’s all because my uncle is a consul in Paris and he issued us special requests before we could fly. Otherwise, it would have taken us weeks to process everything.
    Indeed it’s easier to get visas to China. I’m planning to go to Beijing in February and I might just get a Schengen visa from them so to free myself from hassles of the fucking system of the Philippines! It’s so unfair!
    Tsk tsk tsk I’m starting to hate TNTs.
    That’s right Bryan, make these people realize that WE CAN’T JUST LEAVE our beloved homeland even if we have all the right to travel abroad and have the good faith to return.
    The government should implement drastic measures against those who are illegally staying in the US and Europe.

  8. the virus

    sa totoo lang kakosang bryan, hindi ko gusto ang tabas ng dila mo! ayos lang sana kung ilabas mo man ang baho ng pinanggalingan mo (pilipinas) pero ang itakwil at kamuhian kaming mga katulad mo pilipino, fuck!!!! di kita mapapatawad!!!! pero wala akong magagawa… ito lang ang pakatandaan mo, isa ka ring pilipino, at kahit anong gawin mo sa katawan mo, di na mababago ang lahing pinanggalingan mo. kahit magpasexchange ka pa, wala kang magagawa… alam mo na ang ibig kong sabihin…

  9. the virus

    by the way, is there anyway i can hack this site??? hehe. don’t be afraid, i was just asking! trust me…

  10. Well, they are working on it. Strict regulations and other stuff especially if your destination is on the Scandinavian parts. It’s a lot easier to get a visa to France. But at least I am proud to know that they praised the Filipinos here for being hardworking and also peace-loving people. Since most of the crimes committed here are done by people coming from the muslim world and Africa. The media has some sort of statistics for that. That’s why its a strong no for Turkey to be part of the EU. But Turkey and the Turks are very nice probably just a difference of culture from the rest of Europe and not to mention the extremist same as those rebel muslims in Mindanao

  11. Bloody Stilettos

    That is sooo true. These fucking other countries think they’re so above us. sampalin ko kaya sila ng stock certificates ko, mothafukas. I mean dont get me wrong, I have friends from all over the goddam world its just that generally there are a lot of bigots out there. fuck that. Why would I want to live somewhere else when Manila is a fantabulous place? yes, pollution and all.

  12. *applaud*
    so true.. why do we need visas every time we sneeze? I am now living in Bermuda for quite sometime now and honestly.. nothing compares to home – “the land of the brown, the l’exotique and the natives” – despite the pollution, fucking politicians and the highway51 parking lot.

  13. bad-ass madapaka

    If stupid ignorant white AmeriKKKans weren’t too fanatical about cheap labor, Filipina tight pussy, and cheap ass shit, this whole TNT situation wouldn’t happen, di ba?
    Is there a law that can be implemented by the Philippine gov’t that only Europeans can go to the Philippines, NOT fuckass trailer trash Americans?
    Stop polluting my bahay kubo with your tasteless inbred styles!!

  14. I soo fuckin’ agree with you who chose to live here than migrate!! I can’t understand why everyone migrates to get fucked up when they alredi have great life in here!! not to mention the racists!!

  15. Agent Provocateur

    omg, even Madagascar required me to get a visa. LOL?
    i wanted to bitchslap the consul and ask her “who would illegally migrate to the barren deserts de l’afrique???”
    i swear that as soon as i change my nationality, i will hold a passport burning party televised live over the sweaty armpits of the third world. haha

  16. danskie

    go to ASEAN countries instead.They don’t require filipinos a visa for 14 days visit.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *