Mall Rat Extraordinaire

Written By bryanboy

Bryanboy Mall Rat Extraordinaire


As part of my "research" for an upcoming article/piece, I spent the entire day hopping from one mall to another on the lookout for "good finds" (aka cheap thrills), chic post-shopping eateries and such. I went to a grand total of 4 "malls" today: Podium, Shangri-la Plaza, Greenbelt 4 and Glorietta plus 1 department store, good old Shoemart.

Podium was dead; I texted all of my friends and told them it felt like I was in a mausoleum. A mausoleum filled with stiff-looking, shirt-and-tied ninetofivers who looked down on me because I look like a punk kid gone camo.

Oh yes. You should’ve seen the looks on the faces of these 30-something, office clerk workers when I entered Starbucks.

Just because I look like a ghetto trash army rag doll (cum rag is more appropriate because my black t-shirt’s got gold paint splatters) it doesn’t mean you can go high all hoity toitty on me.

My entire body is covered with invisible "You’re-Staring-At-Me-And-Giving-Me-Crappy-Looks" sensors. I get internal titillations every time someone’s eyeball roll to my direction.

Heck, even my Birkin bag, which I used today, is covered with such detectors.

That’s right. I ditched my Chanel 2.55 in the car and brought the holy grail of handbags with me when I went to Podium.

Punk kid my ass when my Birkin bag is DEFINITELY more than their third world annual income.

Editorial Note: One of the joys of owning a *genuine* Birkin bag is the bragging rights that come along with it.

Fucking Yuppies. God I despise them. Prtentious yuppies in white, blue, gray or pink button down shirts with trousers and loafers that scream OFFICE WORKER!

Darlings, just because you’re in a bloody office uniform it doesn’t give you the right to feel you’re loaded, so cut the snobbery, bitch!

Don’t get me wrong though. I really have nothing against office workers. Or clerks. Or minimum wagers. Afterall, their taxes fuel most politicians’ fat wallets therefore giving us more golddigger opportunities.

But it’s cunts like me who keep the GLOBAL economies afloat. Paris, New York, Milan, plus all the sweatshops all over the world that print the "Made in Italy" label.

Think about it.

Office workers = Local Economy
CLMs (Cunts Like Me) =  Global Economy

Anyway. Enough teenage angst.

Let’s continue with the pomp and the high-voltage tales of tension pretension that you guys love.

Don’t blame me darlings, I’m smoking Cartier Lights. I’m obliged to be pretentious as my lungs get filled with Cartier tar! HK Duty Free I <3 You!

Now if only Graff or Verdura made cigarettes…

Shangri-la housed the only place (Homme et Femme) in this third world cesspit that I call home where one could find Balenciaga, Dior Homme, Costume National and Marni amongst others.

Editorial Note: will you please create another shop (or move) to friggin Makati this way I don’t have to do the 2-hour driving trek from the suburbs to your shop?

I like that shop. I really do.

Me likey likey so much that my original intention was only to look at their latest batch of Dior Homme but the sizes they have are size 3 or OBESE sizes (ruins the sole purpose of Dior Homme when they carry Dior Homme for fat people. GET THE ONES FOR RAIL ANOREXIC THIN BOYS PLEASE).

I ended up adding yet another Balenciaga bag (olive) to my collection, its matching coin purse keychain and a Balenciaga assymetrical sweater/top.


For truthful journalism’s sake, I have to tell you that the color is a little tad darker in real life.

I also went to Escada – that’s right bitches – the first time (ever as in ever) I’ve set foot in the store where I thought only Eurotrash grandmothers shop (despite the perennial quirky feminine youthful female orgy ad campaigns) but boy oh boy I found it fun and normal.

So "fun and normal" to the point where I added myself on the waiting list for the Escada/Siemens Denim and Diamonds cellphone (about US$900). Isn’t it j’adorable? It’s better than my random Nokia fuck-up child that can’t even take photos using the back camera because of a "memory" problem.


Greenbelt 4 was nothing new – same old same old. It was rather disappointing actually. It feels as if its halls are your house and the shops are your rooms. There was just nothing there that caught my eye. I even went to BVLGARI and tried a couple of watches – I found a really nice yellow gold piece but I didn’t like the strap.

Then I went to Vuitton (oh salvation) but the only good thing there is a dark plum-coloured velvet scarf with fringes.

Forget Glorietta. Most of the shops were closed because it was late.

One shop that DID caught my eye and made my Chanel black caviar 2.55 felt cheap was this:



Fake Burberry… Fake Chanel… Fake Everything!

Why on god’s name is this sort of thing allowed at a fucking mall considering we have GENUINE Burberry shops?

Whatever happened to copyright laws, intellectual property, anti-counterfeit laws etc?

Bah. Whoever owns that shop must have some god damn NERVE (and BALLS) to sell counterfeit goods.

Oh well.

Who the hell owns Glo-fucking-rietta?

Does anyone in the Philippines know?

If you do, will you please print this post and send it to the powers of be?

Stop playing in the dark with your glo-sticks and give a stern warning to whoever owns/operates that shop.

My Chanel 2.55 needed a fucking Xanax when we passed by the shop earlier. Had my genuine handbag had the mouth to talk and the voice to sue, it would’ve won millions of dollars in damages – hassle, emotional distress and visual battery.

I’ll update you in a bit.

I’m thirsty and in need of something to drink.

You know where to contact me. or +63-915-785-1492.



  1. LOVE the balenciaga bag!!! :) I hope you don’t mind, but how much does it cost? I’ve been seeing knockoffs everywhere, but if I have to starve a bit to get a piece, I’m game!!! :) All in the name of bryanboy’s theory of keeping the global economy afloat!

  2. The bag is P64,998 and then the coin case/keychain is P15,498. If you convert it to US dollars it’s USD$1,182 and USD$282 respectively. I’m actually having buyers remorse now; I want one in a brighter color but these bags are always GONE *before they even arrive at the shelf* at the store.

  3. You are such a nasty, ugly queen!!! You make me ashamed to be gay. There’s gay men and there’s fags. You, you nasty trick, are a fag.

  4. you’re just jealous cause you’re a 34 year old man who probably hasn’t even come out of the closet yet.
    my advice: do yourself a favor and shoot a gun up your mouth.
    the world has too many faggots these days and you’re just one of em.

  5. i was at podium and shangri-la earlier and i missed you! damn it.
    uhm, i think the ayalas own glorietta and greenbelt ^_^

  6. I thought it was rude how you talked about the office workers, and anyone that isnt in a high class society with the means that you have, considering that the majority of them are the ones visiting your site, and clicking your banners. You could use a taste of humbleness.

  7. please take whatever you read from me with a pinch of salt.
    you’ve been reading my blog now vance and i expect you to know ‘better’.

  8. What a rich bitch…lol!
    American Malls are no better…fucking boring places…
    The holy shrine of all social and chic people…Paris…
    That place may put an end to your social highness…lol!
    And true…third-world just can’t stop STARING at social high chic people….that’s i hate going home!

  9. I agree, American malls are also shit, I dont think we even have a Dior in Philadelphia. Unless your in Cali or NYC, you wont find anything but bullshit.

  10. Grim Reaper

    If I find out that the reason why you’re concealing your family name is because you’re from a political family, which only means you’re using taxpayer’s money, you better seriously watch out.

  11. OH MY GOD!!! You wonder why people stare at you…you’re dressed like a drag queen! A boy doesn’t wear high heals, girl clothes or purses. Even a twinky fem fag has more credibility than you do…god..*barf*

  12. glorietta is owned by the ayalas. that store with the fake goods is owned by brother and sister duo of carlo and lorraine. you must know them, they frequent the same places and manila is a small world.

  13. You.
    Make the world frown.
    Less people like you, and more office workers would definately make the world a better place. Those workers are the ones that actually do something in society, unlike you who spends all life complaining about fake purses and people that unlike you, have a life. Get over yourself and that horrific attitude.

  14. Wow, you’re getting a lot of hatred today. I for one happened to particularly enjoy today’s post because I despise 1) 9 to 5 office sweatshops and 2) hideous counterfeit Chanel handbags. I would seriously list those two things among my biggest pet peeves in life. I think that the only thing worse is actually seeing an office worker carrying a nauseating false eBay special designer bag. Anyway, thanks for keeping it real.

  15. people who hate you without even knowing just shows that theyre jealous of you. just be yourself (:

  16. Angel Koh

    I forgot how I actually chanced upon your blog, I’m from Singapore and I simply loves reading your blog… Keep it up and don’t mind those peeps throwing bad names @ you coz… I personally think you have got style =)

  17. You wrote “Don’t get me wrong though. I really have nothing against office workers. Or clerks. Or minimum wagers. Afterall, their taxes fuel most politicians’ fat wallets therefore giving us more golddigger opportunities.
    But it’s cunts like me who keep the GLOBAL economies afloat. Paris, New York, Milan, plus all the sweatshops all over the world that print the “Made in Italy” label.
    Think about it.
    Office workers = Local Economy
    CLMs (Cunts Like Me) = Global Economy
    Anyway. Enough teenage angst.”

    More fabulous than bryanboy writes “Tsk tsk that is not teenage angst….angst is about inner turmoil…what you have is good old shallow delusions, you ugly bitch.
    Your simplistic look on economy is so stupid…makes me wonder where your brain cells are….your mom probably raised a you as a talking handbag…fabulous on the outside….hollow on the inside….tsk tsk… i pity you, bryanboy. you have so much to learn.
    Please start with your grammar, it is atrocious. I guess you wouldn’t understand that word.
    you are an ugly boy in a dress, you’re not a diva….you’re too horrid to be a drag queen….you’re just a stupid boy in heels feeling that the world revolves around your whiney bitch ass.
    Besides, despite all your genuine luxury items, they do not really cover up the fact that you look like a baklita from the kanto somewhere in Tondo.

  18. youre so ugly, even the most exspensive bag wont make your ugly FOB filipino ass look good

  19. You have proven the very philosophy that things do not make you pretty; because, honey, let’s be honest…you’re as beautiful as a sub-saharan warthog covered in blistering hives. And to those equally superficial cunts who are blindingly supportive of you, I say, go ahead! This is a democracy…you are allowed to air out your thoughts no matter how astoundingly stupid they are.
    Bryanboy, bitches like you make me feel the state should sanction murder of posers such as you.
    Please leave the country NOW…..unless of course you cannot afford to live and splurge in the likes of Tokyo….to this….tsk tsk…hanggang manila ka lang pala, baklita ka lang pala talaga
    Toodles, bitches, I’ll see you at the mall with a disdainful look in my face.

  20. I LOVE YOUR BLOG BRYAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
    and I love your STYLE :D
    Some people really need to take a CHILL PILL!! It’s HIS blog! don’t like it?! DON’T READ IT MORON!!
    Don’t know WHY some stiffs take things soooo serious and get sooo OBVIOUSLY jealous & mad over someone elses OPINION ~.~

  21. Something tells me that you might be able to trace all these hatefull comments to a particular IP somewhere out of the UK…
    I hate people who talk tough behind the mask of Anonymity and shame. How sad.
    How can you be just barely strong and secure enough to voice your negative opinions of Bryan… but not strong enough to own up to them?? Such cowardice and debasement! A picture perfect definition of the word “Pathetic”…

  22. Confessions of a Thin Gay Drama Queer

    These mother fuckers who hates Bryanboy are just jealous of him. Y’all should get a life my God… Can’t you just be thankful at least you’ve something authentic+fabulous to read, compared to some ole’ cheap local fashion magazine. You go Bitch! Strut! Walk! Work! Turn to the Left… now turn to the right! sashe… shante! coz everything looks good on you! Walk the runway bitch!

  23. Pia Magalona

    I’ve seen that Le Dix bag at Homme et Femme and I really wanted to get it kaya lang I felt guilty naman blowing 64K on a bag.
    I even figured, what the heck, I have a 10% discount at that shop, so I could’ve gotten it for less.
    But no, I still felt guilty so I didn’t buy it. Then I saw it posted here and I’m so happy for you that you got it, because contrary to your 2nd-thoughts, olive is a very classic color to get it in.
    Just want to say again that I’m glad the Le Dix has found a good home in you, Bryanboy.
    Btw, keep up your originality. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, it’s nobody’s business what you wanna do.
    You’re also an interesting read, I must say.
    Love, Pia

  24. Hi. I love you bryanboy. you are the only thing that cheers me up during my manydayslongcold

  25. I’m one of those office workers and I actually don’t find your post offensive. I actually like your blog and I agree with Pia’s comment that as long as you’re not hurting anyone then just continue being fabulous ;-)
    You should block the IP addresses of these haters from seeing your site.

  26. I forgot to mention on my previous comment that I love the bag! I think the color’s great.

  27. GRABE! dapat lagi ako meron ACIDO sa bag ko para pag nakita kita IBUHOS KO SAYO!!!!!! baklita!!!!

  28. Your bag probably IS a knockoff. Get over yourself. You’re hot, you dress cute, but you certainly don’t look like you spend much money on your clothing or acessories. So if you are spending as much as you want everyone to believe, I advise you to try shopping at Wal-Mart for a change. Donate some money to charity.

  29. if you don’t mind me asking, where did you get that bag from? I can’t find it anywhere, apparently you can only get it in Paris, New York and LA.

  30. ur Balenciaga bag = sooo sexy!!
    I want the box style bag in the greyish taupe…with the matching keyring of course! I been carrying the black classique with a brown keyring and someone had the audacity to ask why i had a tea strainer attached to my bag. fuck em to hell lol.

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