Help Hannah Matronic

Written By bryanboy

Hannah Matronic Needs Help

I know it’s 7:00AM and yes, my body is nagging at me that I should go to bed.

Before I do so, I thought I’d call in all my beautiful and young (yes, I repeat, young… well, old is ok as long as you have a vagina) readers who live in the city that never sleeps, New York City.

You see, one of my gal pals, Hannah Matronic, recently moved to Bronxville (I know what you’re thinking), to go to Sarah Lawrence College. Here’s a picture in her doghouse dorm box.


She’s been there for like 3 weeks or so and the only stories that we’ve been hearing from her are awful.

I don’t blame her though cause she spent half of her cash allowance (till December – don’t ask, her parents are trying to teach her the value of money) on things like pedicures, manicures, bras, cab fares, trains, one of her faggot "friends" who had the nerve to call her cheap when she’s the one spending money on him not the other way around, let alone someone who wears Abercrombie Clearance… ON SALE.

To cut the story short, Hannah is used to the glitz and glamour of it all. In Manila, she’s a modelizing, short-skirt-and-pumps-wearing, Balenciaga-bag-carrying budding social mountaineer. She went to an international school, had her own driver, an abundance of clothes and a ton of  fantastic accessories.


And now she ended up in a god damn college dormitory with no one to socialize with other than rich American kids slash social rejects… pretentious pseudo-intellectuals who would rather talk about mortality while drinking beer off kegs.

I mean come on, can it be any more boring than that?

And her parents are trying to teach her the value of money… which pretty much means living less than minimum wage as your allowance.

It’s either a Marc Jacobs coat or a one-way ticket to anorexia for a month.

I think it’s time for intervention from me. It’s time to resurrect the REAL "Don’t you know who I am? I’m Hannah Matronic!" Hannah that she left back in Manila.

Wanna know how sad it is up there? Nobody in her school wears heels! And now she had to do the same too just for her to ‘fit in’.

How bad is that?

Nevertheless, I need your help.

If you’re someone from NYC, send me an email ( with your photo, your name, your age and how you would like to help my buddy Hannah.

You see, help comes in the form of companionship… and free drinks at fancy places.

Or heck, you can also buy her a pair of that Jimmy Choo boots that she’s been lusting for.

What you have to realize tho is the fact that she has nothing to offer you other than incessant whine on how her life sucks in Bronxville, Zimbabwe Timbuktu Sahara Dessert NY state.

I hope I’ll get a ton of responses since most of my readers are female of the generous kind.

Generous meaning you won’t mind if you tag along Hannah and show her a good time around NYC, like introduce her to young people, bring her to cool parties where nobody drinks fuckin beer, my god, I can’t believe people drink such vile.

Gay males are ok too. She’s a great fag hag.

Definitely NO straight males. Unless you belong to the Forbes 500 list.

At which point I have to charge you a service fee in the 8-9 figures.

Um yeah.

If you live in NYC, email me,


P.S. If you’re in Manila and you know Hannah Matronic, keep in mind that I am planning to send her a "care bear" (i.e. Marc by Marc Jacobs goodies) 25-kilo box via FedEx sometime soon. If there’s something you want me to include on that box, email or SMS me at +63-915-785-1492.


  1. Good luck to Hannah; I hope she gets some help soon. I’m a no-beer-drinking couture diva / fag hag myself and I went to college, so I can relate to her plight.

  2. Well, she should have done her homework. Everyone knows Sarah Lawrence is where syphilitic self-righteous hippie rich kids go to when Columbia rejects them. It’s a place where masturbation takes priority over taking a shower, where artistic talent goes to die.

  3. NYCFoblousness

    God your friend is trying wayyyyyyyyyyyy to hard fucking flip fob its fucking humid in NY why the fuck is she wearing a jacket

  4. thanks bryan! uhuhuh ikaw lang ata ang gagawa nito para sa akin.
    RE nycfob: yeah i know you motherfucker, i just wanted to try my $xxxx coat with my $xxx shoes. i have nothing witty to say except fuck you and i hope you wear northface. like i will be soon. uhuhuh.
    and to john: no all the vassar rejects go here, columbia trash go somewhere else. i came here for the small classes and uh, yeah they pretty much ignored my poor math. plus i LOOOOVE pretentious rich kids like myself. i love loathing everything.
    i’ll get to those emails stat. i feel bad yeah, but i chose to come here so i guess i’ll have to toughen up. i guess feelingng sorry for myself will only get me this far. it’s time to make arriba arriba. i’m already wearing my party face at 8 am.

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