What an awful, awful day.

Written By bryanboy

What an awful, awful day today was.

Don’t laugh – for some strange reason, God decided to punish me over the weekend for all the bad deeds I’ve done to mankind. He gave me a hideous zit on my left cheek. I don’t blame him though, I know I’ve been a really bad girl.

But come to think of it, he gave it to me right when I was suffering from a cough, colds and a chest infection/bronchitis.

Fuck it, it probably wasn’t even God. I bet it was Satan.

So off I went to my aesthetician first thing earlier in the morning. I had my zit injected, I also had an emergency extraction facial just to be sure I’m black/whitehead-free and I also had the usual microdermabrasion session. Gotta stay/gotta be flawless you know. I’ve got a gay couple flying in from Kuala Lumpur to visit Manila and I gotta play Little Miss Tour Guide, something I really despise because there’s absolutely nothing to do in Manila, not to mention the crap weather (heat and rain) and the lack of places to go to. I’ll probably just buy them dinner and a couple of drinks at some bar and let them explore on their own. I told one of the guys that I don’t go out during the day unless it’s life-threatening.

Anyway, my driver was off today so it was my fat bastard bitch of a sister who drove me to my aesthetician today. On our way back, I told her to stop on the road, in front of a shop, because I want to buy today’s newspapers. She stopped, I went out of the car and went inside the shop to buy newspapers.

I went out of the shop, not even 1 minute later, and she was NOWHERE to be seen.

I was standing there, on the road under the blistering heat, wearing nothing but a sweaty white t-shirt, gray tracksuit pants, white trainers and black chanel sunglasses. It was hot as in hotter than hell. I just had a facial done so my face is all red, I don’t have a cellphone, my handbag or even extra cash with me. Nothing. I felt absolutely naked. I was my "crash moment" (love that new term, thanks Oprah and thanks Hermes).  I was so vulnerable that you can sing Mary had a little lamb in front of me and I’ll just die right then and there.

I went back to the shop and asked the lady whether she can send my sister a text message or not. Thank god she was nice. My sister replied back, saying that she’s about 150 meters away from me, all I had to do was to walk straight (it’s just 1 long, main road). Apparently she had to park there otherwise, she’ll block traffic on the road.

That’s fucking bullshit. Bullshit bullshit bullshit.

Guess what I did? Guess what I fucking did?

I HAD TO FUCKING WALK 150 METERS,

IN MY CURRENT STATE OF

VULNERABILITY, WITHOUT A PHONE,

WITHOUT A HANDBAG, WEARING

SKANKY CLOTHES, MY FACE IS ALL

RED, I’M TIRED, THEN ADD THE

NAUSEOUS HEAT. MY SISTER IS A

CRAZY DERANGED BASTARD.

Fuckyou_1

There’s only one thing in this world that you can do to seriously piss me off.

If you want, you can go ahead and steal my handbag, steal my credit cards, my phone, my money, my wallet, my drugs, you can get me fat, make me step on dog’s poo, make me touch some animal’s genitalia, make me eat animal internal organs, heck, you can even rape me, sexually abuse me, molest me, give me a sexually-transmitted disease, mutiliate me, castrate me, whatever.

Do anything you want to do to me and I won’t complain.

As long as you don’t make me WAIT or WALK.

Don’t get me wrong. I do walk. But with the following stipulations:

a) only in temperatures of 65 degrees F (or 18 Celsius) or colder unless I’m on vacation;
b) only if I’m fully dressed up, lip gloss required
c) only if it’s 10-15 meters or less.

The most I’ll walk at any given time is 50 meters and I have to have nice music blaring on my ipod or on the background.

But walking in crap clothes, in crappy hot weather, with a crappy face?

Come on, it’s just as bad as MURDER.

Fuckyou2

Oooooo my blood boiled earlier, I wanted to strangle my fat cow bitch of a sister.

If only my mum’s cousin didn’t arrive when we got back, she’s probably in the funeral home by now, getting her makeup done.

62 Comments

  1. starstruck

    Let me get this straight… your sister drives your ass all over town for your little beauty treatments and you end up having to walk a short distance (yes, I said SHORT DISTANCE, you little pansy-ass) so she isn’t blocking traffic and you call her a “fat cow, evil cunt, bitch, troll, slut”? (!!!!)
    I’m going to call my brother right now and tell him how much I love him.

  2. star jones

    You are an asshole!!!…a dramatic fucked-up, pansy-ass asshole!
    Perhaps your Chanel sunglasses were too heavy for you to lift of your stupid face, and check down the road to see where she was parked. Your beautiful sister should have abandoned you in the hills of Manila, and let you find your skinny ass back home by yourself!

  3. Consider this the very last time I read your blog. You’re a an ungrateful sell-out!! What goes around comes around.

  4. Yes – I expect her to STOP and BLOCK traffic by parking in front of the shop and turn on the yellow hazard lights, whatever you call them. It’s only for less than a minute. Besides, other cars can use the other lane you know. And if the police or traffic person pops over, just slap their faces with cash enough to buy them a pack of cigarettes. THIS IS WHAT IS WRITTEN ON THE “THIS IS HOW WE DO THINGS BOOK – THIRD WORLD WASP (WE ASIAN SUPERFICIAL PATRIARCHS) EDITION”

  5. Hilarious, my sister and I go through exactly the same shit you and your sister are. My sister Lex is a huge bitch but I love her anyhow. Your sister is wicked hot, Ggrrrrrrr.

  6. Oh I love my sister too. Of course I do. We’re not fighting anymore, btw. In fact, we’re going to get morning massages done in about 7 and a half hours!! It’s 1:24AM here; I’m supposed to be sleeping. LOL

  7. I wouldn’t plan on visiting Dublin; it’s not car friendly. Most of our department stores and fancier shops are on PEDESTRIANISED streets :)

  8. have you ever tried IPL? i’m tempted to go in for that…but i think i might try a spectra peel and a diamond peel first before doing anything drastic.

  9. 150 meters = 164.041995 yards = 0.0931818182 miles.
    Yep, I’ve tried IPL. Wasn’t effective in my case, plus you have to go in for 6 sessions and too expensivo.

  10. GRETCHEN

    WOW just WOW. See I can take the blog for what it is…. although……and I know this was a bad day…. you are constantly complaining about the Fat State that you are in (which you are NOT) so whats a little walkin? Wouldn’t that be a good thing if you think your over the limit a bit?
    not hatin, just askin! :)

  11. GRETCHEN

    WOW just WOW. See I can take the blog for what it is…. although……and I know this was a bad day…. you are constantly complaining about the Fat State that you are in (which you are NOT) so whats a little walkin? Wouldn’t that be a good thing if you think your over the limit a bit?
    not hatin, just askin! :)

  12. twentyfourcarat

    Bryan, don’t ever change, you have the most entertaining blog on the internet.
    Champage kisses & caviar dreams,
    Craig

  13. meanie

    i hate walking in the heat too. btw, your sister is gorgeous!

  14. Ouch, whenever I get a microdermabrasion session at my gym I put on a giant hat and scamper off to the car.
    It’s embarassing, what kind of shot did your dermatologist give you to rid your face of the pimple?
    –mars

  15. manell

    this is one awesome blog… continue rockin this shit bryanboy!!!

  16. Peaches

    Now, now. You were just having a bad moment. I mean, how many times can you whine on a daily basis when you live like an uber pampered cabana boy? You must be a trust fund baby, ’cause you have no redeeming features or qualities that could make function in the real world. Yeah, a world where you might have to – gulp – work for a living, unless your family are part of the despotic political regime in da Filipino hood.
    When Daddy isn’t around to stop paying the bills, whatcha gonna do LoverBoy? Are you going to be dead by the age of 30?

  17. Now, now. You were just having a bad moment. I mean, how many times can you whine on a daily basis when you live like an uber pampered cabana boy? You must be a trust fund baby, ’cause you have no redeeming features or qualities that could make function in the real world. Yeah, a world where you might have to – gulp – work for a living, unless your family are part of the despotic political regime in da Filipino hood.
    When Daddy isn’t around to stop paying the bills, whatcha gonna do LoverBoy? Are you going to be dead by the age of 30?

  18. Now, now. You were just having a bad moment. I mean, how many times can you whine on a daily basis when you live like an uber pampered cabana boy? You must be a trust fund baby, ’cause you have no redeeming features or qualities that could make function in the real world. Yeah, a world where you might have to – gulp – work for a living, unless your family are part of the despotic political regime in da Filipino hood.
    When Daddy isn’t around to stop paying the bills, whatcha gonna do LoverBoy? Are you going to be dead by the age of 30?

  19. Your sister is HOT.
    Badmouthing her has demoted you from ‘Le Superstar Fabuleux’ to the mere ‘Le Superstar’. If you want the ‘Fabuleux’ part back you have to give her Photoshop Make-Overs and post them. Please Include the following versions:
    – Cavalli Chique
    – Prada Princess
    – Gucci Glamor Girl
    – Dior Diva
    What the heck, let’s also include Vintage Versace Vixen.
    But I still Loves it.

  20. Peaches, I assumed the same sort of thing at first, but if you read through the blog, there’s a fair bit of evidence that he does have his own means of support.

  21. Delilah Valentine

    I’ll be a SON OF A BITCH! I hate walking too, but I get over it. I’ve been in those situations, and almost killed some people, but after awhile I calm down. Get some zanax honey!

  22. Your sister is my new hero.
    Tell her she’s got an open-ended invitation to stay with us if she ever decides to visit NYC.
    Not that there’s anything left to actually SEE in NYC, mind you…
    Plus how can you hate her, you actually look like her, just with shorter hair.
    Oh, and she has no zits.

  23. LOL. Your blog is so entertaining! Annoying and yet entertaining at the same time. It’s my new guilty pleasure, along with the blog Third Sex in the City. Hahaha. Whiny, snotty, brand whore. Funcomealive!

  24. you are funnier when sharing this slice of juvenile anger. your last posts dramatically look like your inspiration had left away.

  25. poor brittany and jill

    i guess they’re going to read your blog every day and slam whatever they can b/c you made fun of that dork buying fake dior off of ebay – oooh and her friend is mad too now..
    hey britt – do you know what a beard is – b/c your fiance has a nice one…

  26. um starjones and starstruck

    ..are totally the girls you made mad – “my bff is the best!”

  27. glitterati

    Bryan, you are the fuckin’ BOMB. You are gorgeous and we know it

  28. Enid Coleslaw

    god, you’re so glam. i love you to bits. your blog is my bible, and i read it knowing that i’m one of those geekies you would totally make fun of. but meh! *heart*

  29. Patrick

    Bryan how do you really feel about your sister? Don’t beat around the bush, let it all out, you can do it.

  30. lol, i love your sense of humor. i think the obagi skin treatments that you’ve been doing (or lack thereof, leading to the pimple) have been the key to pubscent moodiness :-P
    –mars

  31. Yeesh, kinda moody. You should have some chocolate, trust me, it’d be good for you.
    I was just curious, how old are you?

  32. I love, love, love your blog!!! You’re hilarious!!! I especially love the bitchiness and shalowness of it all…anyone who takes anything you post too seriously is totally missing the point…or are they?

  33. He’s 18(+4, +5) years old. According to one of his posts.
    What a way to gain immortality, Bryan :-P
    –mars

  34. Save your self the energy next time and slap some designer toothpaste on that bitch. It will be gone in a few hours.

  35. Hey babe! Wow she made you walk, seriously she is such a mole. But then again, you are looking slightly well….porky… lately so the walk might have been good for you.
    Love ya long time.
    Jay.
    P.s – You might want to look into laser resurfacing your looking a little dull lately. Cha xoxo

  36. Beachside Prep

    Helloooo, I introduced your blog to ym best friend Kimberly and she absolutely loved it!(also I’m wasted)…sOOO just wanted you to know that your acquiring new fans every day.

  37. Patrick

    look Bitch you need to post. The awful day has come and gone and then some. Move on byotch!! If you flew to Gucci in St. Petersburg again then why didn’t you post to say you are away. Get on it, pronto woman!

  38. Dude, you got some serious problems. With all the people in Rwanda and other third world countries suffering without food or water here you are bitching about “walking 150 m without a handbag” go fuck yourself fool. I’m so glad there are not too many people like you. Oh and about doing drugs? have you ever seen a dead baby being unstitched only to find packets of cocaine and ecstacy to sell to drug users like yourself. BTW I’m just kidding. I don’t take you seriously.

  39. Patrick

    are you just at a buffet for like a year you fat bitch? Wheres the post?

  40. ur#1fan

    I love ur blog. But I don’t think this would be considered a Crash moment. Crash is a movie about racism. You weren’t racially or ethnically discriminated against. Get it?!?!

  41. ok… some of you people sat here and read this shit just to bitch? you give these frivilous rants way too much power. All this bitching and hateration is just making me laugh and not making me hate bryan… (luv ya)

  42. mandy

    BryanBoy, u are so damn funny. I read almost all of ur blog in 2 days and this, particularly this one, where u got all pissed up by just walking up 150m is making me laughing like hell. YOu really make ppl love you. I love you. I never realise there could be such an amazing person on earth. U are one UNIQUE human being. And the way u talk(write ur blog), it’s magic. U bring color to my life which is so dull. ^_^. I love you. Muakzz~!!

  43. fuck you!
    Do you realize how many miles some peopl has to walk in order to eat at least once a day?
    No because you were lucky enough to be born well off.
    I hope you will know how it feels like, I bet you will stop bitching on small things moron!

  44. fuck you!
    Do you realize how many miles some peopl has to walk in order to eat at least once a day?
    No because you were lucky enough to be born well off.
    I hope you will know how it feels like, I bet you will stop bitching on small things moron!

  45. treyck

    this was definetly a crash moment my mom did the same thing it made me feel like crap!

  46. joynoelle

    ei…its my first time here…and its been like just 15 mins browsing and reading ur blogs,… so far im hell of being entertained by ur adventures! gracious…i hate walking too…esp if uve came from ur good ole derma…with red spots all over ur face due to some traumatic pricking and peeling…u cant just help but walk with ur head down thinking u myt get to see people staring like yah (feeling like ur a red-faced monstrous creature)…but on the brighter side c’mon ur ain’t that bad r u…not giving credit to ur sis’ lil’ help of driving u around…think of it this way…wt if ur sis didnt offer to drive u to ur destination and ul end up looking for someone else that would cost u time..more reasons to hae a totally bad day…next if she’ll wait for u outside and wont look for a place to park..wt if somebody caught her violating traffic rules and she’ll end up paying fees and all,…thats twice of a bad luck ayt? relax a bit……dnt forget its better to smile at bad things than look ugly after all,,

  47. my first time here, and i instantly fell in love with you..i’m sure i’d be addicted to you..at pinaglakad ka ng sis mo ha? i wonder ano kaya inabot nya sa yo?

  48. oh man, can you bitch or can you bitch. lol. you are one of the biggest ass ever. love ya.

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