Repeat after me:

I need a bloody boyfriend.
I need a bloody boyfriend.

I need a bloody boyfriend.
I need a bloody boyfriend.

I need a bloody boyfriend.
I need a bloody boyfriend.
I need a bloody boyfriend.
I need a bloody boyfriend.

I need a bloody boyfriend.
I need a bloody boyfriend.

Reality hit me when I got up about 2 hours ago. It’s not funny waking up at 7PM with "You’re so Vain" playing on my ipod. I spent the entire day sleeping at my younger sister’s bed because my bedroom is full of shite. I haven’t had the maid change my sheets and my bed is full of clothes and paperwork.

Anyway, here’s my realization: you know there’s something wrong in your life when you’re 18 (+4) years old and:

1) You spend a majority of your time working at home.

2) You sleep on your younger sister’s bed because your own bed is full of crap.

3) You barely get out of the house. When you do get out of your bird cage, the only people you end up socializing/having some form of a human-to-human contact with are the ones from either the medical (aestheticians, massage therapists, salon stylist, manicure and pedicure ladies) and retail (shop assistants, store managers, door openers, store security guards) industries.

4) You have far too many profiles at various online personals web sites and get far too many messages but you ignore all of them and not take them seriously because you think you’re far too superior than all of those junk.

5) You’re surrounded by couples. Everywhere you go, every thing you see that have genitalia is coupled with something. The planet is one huge couples-for-christ convention where everyone’s motto is procreation. Your friends are either married… or have a bf/gf.

6) The only form of intimacy in your life is whenever you snuggle with your faggot cat and the sounds of his purr makes you sleep. It’s so wrong and so intimate to the point where your own cat thinks you’re another cat.

Fedex_logo 7) You get orgasms not by traditional sexual methods but 3 things: whenever you flex your credit card to go shopping, whenever you open paper bags with your recently purchased stuff and whenever the FedEx guy arrives… not because he’s cute — instead, you know that package from Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue or Dior is inside the FedEx van.

8) And when you do go out with your friends to go clubbing, you’d rather put on a huge dose of high-voltage pomp, attitude and arrogance instead of being the lonely, desperate-for-a-fuck lonely debbie standing alone at the corner of the club. You shrug off people who show interest because you *never* socialize with mere mortals.

9) You’ve lost your libido last year, back when you were 17 (+2) years old because you’ve slept with every Tom, Dick and Harry out there. However, there may be (extremely rare) times when you get horny (aka mating season) — and when that happens, you buy plane tickets to somewhere far flung, fuck the brains out of all their citizens and suck as much cockerel as possible. You’d rather travel for to get a one night stand than do "locals".

My god. What a boring life eh?

You’re so vain… You probably think this song is about you. You’re so vain! I’ll bet you think this song is about you, don’t you? Don’t you?