I’m emotionally-scarred (for life) right now.

After my not-so-recent trip to Russia, I thought I looked all bloodless and pale and I need a tan badly. There are 3 ways for me to get a tan. First, do it au naturel. Second, go to the salon and get airbrushed (mystic tan — i love it. so poi-fect!), and lastly, good ol DIY. Unfortunately, jetting off somewhere el tropical is not feasible so the only option I’ve got is to fake it.

I have to admit that I’m no virgin when it comes to tan-in-a-bottle stuff. Generally, I use Dior Bronze — it’s fast, it’s safe, it’s easy and j’adore the color. It’s my favourite. Another one that I like is Peter Thomas Roth. I’ve also used Clarins and Lancaster. It takes ages for me to tan with Clarins while the latter is quite streaky. Lancaster also makes me look as if I’m a hepatitis/jaundice victim.

2 Months ago, I bought a couple of DIY St. Tropez stuff (tanning lotion, mousse and self-tan remover) to test it. I tried St. Tropez at a salon before and I got good results. I was planning to bring it with me to Moscow but I forgot it at home.

So yesterday, off I brought out my little unused bottle of St Tropez tanning lotion. I followed the instructions. Scrub, exfoliate and moisturize. Scrub, exfoliate and moisturize.

I applied the lotion throughout my body with my bare hands. I had the self-tan remover so I was quite confident that my hands will look alright so I didn’t use gloves… none of that repulsive "I-stuck-fingers-up-somebody-else’s-dirty-ass" look. A few minutes later, I used the remover and washed my hands.

Hand check: Jessica Simpson 2 shades darker

4 hours and a shower later, I’m thinking "ooooo" and "ahhhhhh". Lovin it so far — but I’m not yet satisfied. I want a darker color. I want a color that screams "I huffed and I puffed and I spent 8 hours a day, every day for 7 days at the beach, sea, sun and sex on the sand in broad daylight."

So off I tried the mousse… again, using my bare hands, I applied a thick coat all over my body.

And this is where the disaster began.

Hand check: Michael Jackson in Jackson 5

I used the self-tan remover on my fingers and on my palm. I rubbed, scrubbed and washed.

Hand check: Whitney Houston in the 80′s

I rubbed, scrubbed and washed.

Hand check: Vintage Louis Vuitton trunks

I rubbed, scrubbed and washed.

At this point, I gave up. It’s official. Although my body have this rich, fantafuckintabulous tan, my hands look like wood. It is sooo gross! What’s worse is I’m gonna be like this for days… or weeks. Who the hell knows?

Disaster

There is no friggin way I’m gettin out of the house with hands like this. Good tan gone the drain thanks to my hands.

My worst nightmare became a reality.

In a way it’s a blessing in disguise that I didn’t use it in Moscow. Otherwise, I’ve got a ruined holiday.

Lesson learned: use gloves when visiting St.

Tropez in late November.

It’s official – my hands do look like wood.